When the nurses ask me how tall I am I tell them 5’10
I used to be taller but I got married and settled down.
Loading...I have a steroid addiction, but there is one silver lining.
It has only made me stronger.
I’m desperately looking to make friends with someone called Moderation.
My wife says that I should drink with him every day.
My friends used to call me "Mushroom"
Because I was such a fun guy.
If a man and woman need a marriage licence, what do two women need?
A liquor licence
My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience…
The second time let me down
A man goes into a job interview.
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, “Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?”
The man replied, “Oh, that’s when I went to Yale.”
The employer is even more impressed. “That’s great, you’re hired!”
The man is super happy and says “Yay, I got a yob!”
How do you insult someone who is pledging a fraternity?
You call them Oedipus — a Greek motherfucker.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.’
A good joke is like a good fart.
If you have to force it, it is probably sh*t
What do you call a guy standing next to a hole?
Doug
6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
My wife asked me, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”
someone wrote a book on clock fetishes
its about fucking time
I asked my North Korean friend how things were going there.
He said, “I can’t complain.”
What did the tall girl say to the short guy?
“Can you go up on me?”
I just realised it’s been years since I did the hokey pokey
I guess I forgot what it’s all about
What do you call the world’s smartest butcher?
Cleaver.
How do you handle a red-head’s anger?
Gingerly
Why are professional hand models so lucky?
Because they get a lot of hand jobs.
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said “so you know how we always finish each other’s sentences…”
A horse walks into a bar with a maths problem that says ‘If a shape has a width twice the size of its length, which is the greatest in size?’
The barman says ‘y, the long face’
As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..
and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
(4.86 out of 5)