Tiki Humor

The sales person asks, “What are you looking for in a car?” The snail says, “I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge “S” on each door.”

The salesman says, “That’s a weird request, why?”

The snail says, “Because when I drive through town I want people to say, “Look at that S-Car-Go!”

With a pair of Caesars

But I had to leave, it was soda pressing.

Chew chew trains

He was a little horse.

because pepper water makes them sneeze

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

A woman buys an expensive dress and her husband is angry how much money she spent. She says “The Devil made me do it.” He asks why she didn’t say “Get behind me Satan!” She responds “I did! And he told me it looked good from the back, too!”

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

A young man goes into the Job Center in Wichita, Kansas, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more – “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Houston, Texas. That’s about 616 miles from here.”

“Oh, is that where the job is?”,

“No sir – that’s where the end of the queue is right now.”

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend’s
birthday, and since they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note,
romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his girlfriend’s younger sister, he went to Nordstom
and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties
for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the
sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without cheking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his girlfriend
with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed that you were
not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. If it
had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the
long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that
are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me the pair
she had been wearing for the past three weeks. They
were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and
they looked really good.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the
first time, as no doubt, other hands will come in contact
with them before I get the chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them as
they will naturally be damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the year. I hope you
will wear them Friday night.

With love,
From your
Sweetheart

P.S.
The latest style is to wear them folded
down with a little fur showing.

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF!

1. EACH PLAYER SHALL FURNISH HIS OWN EQUIPMENT FOR PLAY – NORMALLY ONE CLUB AND TWO BALLS.

2. PLAY ON A COURSE MUST BE APPROVED BY THE OWNER OF THE HOLE.

3. UNLIKE OUTDOOR GOLF, THE OBJECT IS TO GET EH CLUB IN THE HOLE AND KEEP THE BALLS OUT.

4. FOR THE MOST EFFECTIVE PLAY, THE BLUCH SHOULD HAVE A FIRM SHAFT. COURSE OWNERS ARE PERMITTED TO CHECK SHAFT STIFFNESS BEFORE PLAY BEGINS.

5. COURSE OWNERS RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RESTRICT CLUB LENGTH TO AVOID DAMAGE TO THE GOLE.

6. THE OBJECT OF THE GAME IS TO TAKE AS MANY STRIKE AS NECESSARY UNTIL THE COURSE OWNER IS SATISFIED THAT PLAY IS COMPLETE. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESLULT IN VBEING DENIED PERMISSION TO PLAY THE COURSE AGIAN.

7. IT IS CONSIDERED BAD FORM TO BEGIN PLAYING THE HOLE IMMEDIATLY UPON ARRIVAL AT THE COURSE. THE EXPERIENCED PLAYER WILL NORMALLY TAKE TIME TO ADMIRE THE ENTIRE COURSE WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION TO WELL FORMED BUNKERS.

8. PLAYERS ARE CAUTIONED NOT TO MENTION OTHER COURSES THEY HAVE PLAYED, OR ARE CURRENTLYU PLAYING, TO THE OWNER OF THE OURSE BEING PLAYED. UPSET COURSE OWNERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DAMAGE PLAYER’S EQUIPMENT FOR THIS REASON.

9. PLAYERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO BRING PROPER RAIN GEAR FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION.

10. PLAYERS SHOULD ENSURE THEMSELVED THAT EHIR MATCH HAS BEE PROPERLY SCHEDUALED, PARTICULARLY WHEN A NEW COURSE IS BEIGN PLAYED FO THE FIRST TIME. PREVIOUSE PLAYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BECOME IRATE IF THEY DISCOVER SOMEONE ELSE PLAYING ON WHAT THEY CONSIDERED TO BE A PRIVATE COURSE.

11. PALYERS SHOULD NOT ASSUME A COURSE IS IN SHAPE FOR PLAY AT ALL TIMES. SOME PLAYERS MAY BE EMBARRASSED IF THEY FIND THE COURSE TO BE TEMPORARILY UNDER REPAIR. PLAER ARE ADVISED TO BE EXTREMELY TACTUFUL IN THSI SITUATION. MORE ADVANCED PLAYERS WILL FIND ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF PLAY WHEN THIS IS THE CASE.

12. THE COURSE OWNER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MANICURING AND PRUNING ANY BUCH AROUDN THE HOLE TO ALLOW FOR IMPROVED VIEWIN OF, ALIGNMENT WITH, AND APPROACH TO THE HOLE.

13. PLAYERS ARE ADVISED TO OBTAIN THE OURSE OWNERS PERMISSION BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO PLAY THE BACK NINE.

14. SLOW PLAY IS ENCOURSGED. HOWEVER, PLAYERS HSOULD BE PREPARE TO PROCEED AT A QUICKER PACE, AT LEAST TEMPORARILY, AT THE COURSE OWNER’S REQUEST.

15. IT IS CONSIDERED OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE, TIME PERMITTING, TO PLAY THE SMAE HOLE SEVERAL TIMES IN ONE MATCH.

001. Friendly fire – isn’t.
002. Recoilless rifles – aren’t.
003. Suppressive fires – won’t.
004. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
005. A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
006. If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
007. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
008. If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
009. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
010. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
011. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
012. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
013. If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
014. The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
015. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they’re ready.
when you’re not.
016. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
017. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
020. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
021. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
022. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
023. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
024. The easy way is always mined.
025. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
026. Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for
aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
027. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
028. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
029. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
030. Incoming fire has the right of way.
031. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
032. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
033. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
034. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
035. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
036. Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
037. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
038. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
039. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
040. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
041. Tracers work both ways.
042. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
043. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
044. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
045. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
046. Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
047. Weather ain’t neutral.
048. If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
049. Air defense motto: shoot ’em down; sort ’em out on the ground.
050. ‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.
051. The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.
052. Napalm is an area support weapon.
053. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
054. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
055. Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.
056. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
057. The one item you need is always in short supply.
058. Interchangeable parts aren’t.
059. It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.
060. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
061. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
062. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
063. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
064. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
065. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
066. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
067. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel’s HQ.
068. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
069. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
070. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
071. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
072. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
073. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
074. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.
075. Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
076. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
077. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
078. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
079. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
080. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
081. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
082. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
083. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
084. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
085. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
086. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
087. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
088. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
089. Murphy was a grunt.
090. Beer Math –> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
091. Body count Math –> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
092. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
093. All-weather close air support doesn’t work in bad weather.
094. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
095. The crucial round is a dud.
096. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
097. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
098. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
099. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
100. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
101. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
102. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
103. Odd objects attract fire – never lurk behind one.
104. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
105. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
106. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
107. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
108. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
109. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
110. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
111. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
112. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
113. Walking point = sniper bait.
114. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
115. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
116. If the enemy is in range so are you.
117. Field experience is something you never get until just after you need it.
118. All or any of the above combined.

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn’t trade him for the world

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It has to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me.”

He couldn’t see that well.

What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tools along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”

Tom got a horrified look on his face and began choking.

She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”

“Impeach.”

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.

“I’ve been transferred to Detroit – I’ve heard the people are crazy there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.

A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”