Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tools along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”
Tom got a horrified look on his face and began choking.
She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.
“I’ve been transferred to Detroit – I’ve heard the people are crazy there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”
If you take only one Mormon he drinks all your beer.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
“Why yes,” says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”
The shopkeeper says, “I’ve got just the thing for you.” and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.
“Are you sure?” asks the farmer, “I have very many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”.
“I’m sure.” says the shopkeeper, “This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Yes,” says the dog, “I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.” The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn’t be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. “Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of these sheep.”.
“Okay.” replies the dog, “You have nine hundred sheep.”
When you’re from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
When the young boy says. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susan pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment…then says “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.