Tiki Humor

A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and
the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event
she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking
up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd.

“Isn’t this perfectly gorgeous!” she exclaimed. “Just think, it came
from a poor little insignificant worm!”

Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said:
“Yes, darn it, an’ I’m that worm!”

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of
withering scorn: “If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up.”

The little conductor calmly replied: “Shure, ma’am, if ye was half a
woman I would!”

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a
youngster if it was deep.

“No,” replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found
that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: “I
thought you said it wasn’t deep?”

“It isn’t,” was the reply; “it only takes grandfather’s ducks up to
their middles!”

Image via Wikipedia

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
– Bits & Pieces » Traffic camera

Image via Wikipedia

A great woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. “Yes we do,” he answers. “What size would you like?”She replies, “Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now.”
– Mon June 29 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

“We will take as our text this morning,” announced the absent-minded
clergyman, consulting his memorandum, “the sixth and seventh verses of
the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs.” Never suspecting that his
vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the
previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon
celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had
diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very
different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read
aloud these words of Solomon: “Give strong drink unto him that is ready
to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink
and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more.”

they say celebs die in threes.

leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service

_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
it will cut glass.

_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
on a woman’s heart.

Michael Jackson requested to be buried at sea…between two buoys.