My wife told me that John Cena and his wife are getting divorced…
She got tired of not being able to see him.
Loading...A $20 Trick
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I only learned 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
I’ve always wanted to replace the Mediterranean with orange soda.
I guess it’s always been my greatest Fanta Sea.
Why did the little kid fall into the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she’ll let it go!
why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
A man is at a funeral.
He goes up to the widow and says, “I’m so sorry for your loss, may I say a word?”
The widow says, “Yes, go ahead”
The man goes up to the stand and says, “Plethora”
The widow then says, “Thank you, that means a lot”
I had terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
Why did the bear wear slippers?
To cover his bear feet
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
What do you call an alligator that likes to start trouble?
An instigator
Did you know there’s a pastry that can’t be made or sold at night?
A day-nish.
Woman walks into a library and says have you any books about paranoia?
Librarian says their behind you.
Why do Norwegians have bar codes on their ships?
So when they dock they can Scan the Navy in!
Where do square riverbeds get their water from?
Box springs.
A Hot Dog Walks Into A Bar and Orders A Beer
The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why a stadium gets too hot when game ends ?
Because all fans leave the stadium
A truck full of NyQuil crashed on the highway this morning.
The cops are saying there will be no congestion for eight hours.
How do you feel after you eat pot brownies that aren’t quite done?
Half baked.
How to you punish beef?
Ground them.
Man: Your honor, my wife never laughs at my Star Wars jokes…
Judge: Say no more, may divorce be with you!
(4.86 out of 5)