Tiki Humor

Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”

“Impeach.”

Posted by tiki god

February 18th, 2017 at 6:44 am

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Meanwhile, In Detroit…

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.

“I’ve been transferred to Detroit – I’ve heard the people are crazy there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

Posted by tiki god

February 13th, 2017 at 7:02 pm

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What’s the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.

Posted by tiki god

January 19th, 2017 at 4:18 pm

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Brunette At The Doctor’s Office

A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

Posted by tiki god

January 6th, 2017 at 6:01 pm

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Why do ex-mormons always take two Mormons fishing?

If you take only one Mormon he drinks all your beer.

Posted by tiki god

January 3rd, 2017 at 4:45 pm

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A farmer has 895 sheep

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

“Why yes,” says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”

The shopkeeper says, “I’ve got just the thing for you.” and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

“Are you sure?” asks the farmer, “I have very many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”.

“I’m sure.” says the shopkeeper, “This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes,” says the dog, “I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.” The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn’t be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. “Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of these sheep.”.

“Okay.” replies the dog, “You have nine hundred sheep.”

Posted by tiki god

December 22nd, 2016 at 8:03 pm

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Country Susan

When you’re from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

When the young boy says. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susan pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment…then says “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

Posted by tiki god

December 19th, 2016 at 5:42 pm

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not

Posted by tiki god

December 16th, 2016 at 1:04 am

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Your helium addiction

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Posted by tiki god

December 1st, 2016 at 3:17 pm

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A flight on its way to Sydney

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

Posted by tiki god

November 4th, 2016 at 8:00 am

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