Tiki Humor

God Will Save Me!

A city is experiencing a terrible flood. A man is sitting on his front porch watching the water rise and a jeep drives up. “Get in! Everything’s going to be underwater!” “No thanks. God will save me. An hour passes and the water Has risen in the house. A boat comes by. “Get in! You’re going to drown!” “No thanks. God will save me.” The water rises over the house. The man is now on the roof. A helicopter flies overhead. “We’ll lower a line. Grab it or you’ll die!” “No thanks. God will save me.” The man drowns. When he gets to Heaven and meets God he says, “God! Why didn’t you save me?!”

“I sent a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?”

via Much of the Religious Right is becoming increasingly obsessed with a war on demons. In this worldview every obstacle from microphone static to cancer is a manifestation of an attack by the devil. : science.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 4.25 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

why brides wear white

The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach the significance of white to a Sunday-school class. “Why,” said he, “does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white at her marriage?” As no one answered, he explained. “White,” said he, “stands for joy, and the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman’s life.” A small boy queried, “Why do the men all wear black?”

via Fri Feb 12 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 4 shots of whiskey

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks the fellow, “what’s the occasion?”

The guy says, “my first blowjob.”

The bartender says, “Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I`ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!”

The man says, “No thanks. If 4 shots don’t get rid of the taste…”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Can cold water clean dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, ’Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied, ’They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ’Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said, ’I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! ’Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Baseball Vs Porn

A man watching a baseball game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.

“For heaven’s sake, watch them fuck,” his wife said.”You already know how to play baseball!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , ,

Women, the best freaking firewall in the world

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Тerabyte/sec

This means that the female eggcell withstands this DDoS attack at 1,5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that this only small data package that it lets through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

via Women, the best freaking firewall in the world : funny.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (8 votes, average: 4.38 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

so a democrat break his foot…

“A member of the House Democratic Caucus goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you have a broken foot. The good news is, you’re a congressman, which means you have health insurance, which means you’ll be able to get treatment without going totally bankrupt, unlike many of your constituents, who you are actively betraying by thinking only of your electoral prospects. And also,” the doctor continued, “I can’t believe you actually broke your foot by jumping off a bridge just because a Republican told you to. What kind of spineless loser are you? Get out of my office. I can’t stand to look at you.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (9 votes, average: 2.22 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

In a vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?

via Thur Jan 14 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 2.33 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

I have a dick, and you dont!

Boy: I have a dick, and you dont!

Girl: My mother said, when I grow up, I can have as many as I want

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (5 votes, average: 3.40 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Rolex and Timex

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

via Thur Jan 14 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 3.25 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Ranult and Ford’s New Car

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the “Clitaurus.” It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (5 votes, average: 4.60 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

We’re in trouble

The Population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (6 votes, average: 3.83 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

rude beer drinker

A man comes home one day and sits down the cough with a thud. He bellows to his wife to bring him a beer. She comes out with a can in her hand. He says, “In a glass you wench.” She leaves and returns with a glass of beer. He takes the beer without saying anything. She says, “I could have poisoned that.” He looks at his wife and says,”And I would drink it anyway.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 3.25 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Male or Female?

I am still out there job hunting. I always have a problem when filling out the job application and I get to the part about ‘Sex: F or M.’ I never knows which to choose – I really like to Fuck, but I spends most of the time alone Masturbating.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Be Careful What You Bet On

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed…

… Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I m not sure the IRS finds that believable. I m a great gambler, and I can prove it, says Ralph. How about a demonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay. Go ahead. Ralph says, I ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye. The auditor thinks a moment and says, No way! It s a bet. Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor s jaw drops. Ralph says, Now, I ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. The auditor can tell Ralph isn t blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. Want to go double or nothing? Ralph asks. I ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between. The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. Are you okay? the auditor asks. Not really, says the attorney.

This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you d be happy about it.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient And ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug….. Do you want a bed near the window?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (5 votes, average: 4.80 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Where’s the scratch?

Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”

Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Going Home Early

Is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (5 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Two rules to success in life

1. Don’t tell people everything you know.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Over confident CEO

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”

From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

religious kids

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee..
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest ; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well……?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24″ waist and 34″ hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (5 votes, average: 4.20 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

The Winking Sales Man

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”

“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”

“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

She needs larger breasts

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

telepathic watch

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it.”

Intrigued, the woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says that you’re not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”

The man exclaims, “Damn—it must be broken again. It’s always running an hour fast!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Ever been picked up by the fuzz?

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, “Ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,