Tiki Humor

a midget with a speech impediment

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, “How will I recognize him?” “That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. “Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth”?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

“Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf”? The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouf, can I thee her twat”?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

“Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit”?

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world’s greatest divorce letter

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Raffles and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 20, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent roller skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’m never really thought of that before.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I tossed her about a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Suzanne, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.”

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the f**king remote is?

Love, Dan

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Clever speeder

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

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Quarelling Children

_Mother:_ “Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can’t you agree once in a while?”

_Georgia:_ “We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I.”

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Whiskey Accident

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.

Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

“Oh, Lord,” he groaned, “I hope that’s blood!”

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Sleepwalking Newly Wed

“I know I’m old, but I’m crazy about you,” stated Mr. Moneybags. “When I go I’ll leave all my fortune to you if you’ll have me.”

“Have you any bad habits?” asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.

“Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit.”

“You dear old thing. Of course I’ll marry you. And we’ll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won’t we?”

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Michael Jackson was rich

I guess Michael Jackson was rich. He not only purchased a ranch, he bought the farm.

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George Washington on wars

A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle
[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some
reward.– George Washington

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Making A Living

If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want
to get rich you must go about it in some other way.

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laws of gravity

“How did you find the weather in London?” asked the friend of the
returned traveler.

“You don’t have to find the weather in London,” replied the traveler.
“It bumps into you at every corner.”

An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in
winter in the North of Scotland.

“Why, it’s nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States,”
said the American. “I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumping
from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and
stuck in the air like a mass of ice.”

“But, man,” exclaimed the Scotsman, “the law of gravity wouldn’t allow
that.”

“I know that,” replied the tale-pitcher. “But the law of gravity was
frozen, too!”

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pain in my back

Chris and Choche were talking one day when Chris says, I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back. So what happened? Choche asked. Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee? Why would he want you to sit to pee? Choche asked Well, said Chris, With my bad back, he doesn’t want me picking up anything too heavy.

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Brides in White

The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach
the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.

“Why,” said he, “does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white
at her marriage?”

As no one answered, he explained. “White,” said he, “stands for joy, and
the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman’s life.”

A small boy queried, “Why do the men all wear black?”–_M.J. Moor_.

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paper cutter

“What are you cutting out of the paper?”

“About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
through his pockets.”

“What are you going to do with it?”

“Put it in my pocket.”

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Few Female Statues

“How very few statues there are of real women.”

“Yes! it’s hard to get them to look right.”

“How so?”

“A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn’t seem true to life.”

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Worm Food

A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and
the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event
she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking
up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd.

“Isn’t this perfectly gorgeous!” she exclaimed. “Just think, it came
from a poor little insignificant worm!”

Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said:
“Yes, darn it, an’ I’m that worm!”

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Half and Half

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of
withering scorn: “If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up.”

The little conductor calmly replied: “Shure, ma’am, if ye was half a
woman I would!”

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Half Deep

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.

“No,” replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: “I thought you said it wasn’t deep?”

“It isn’t,” was the reply; “it only takes grandfather’s ducks up to their middles!”

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Faulty Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

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What size would you like?

A great woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. Yes we do, he answers. What size would you like?

She replies, Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now.

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Dry Sermon Revolt

“We will take as our text this morning,” announced the absent-minded
clergyman, consulting his memorandum, “the sixth and seventh verses of
the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs.” Never suspecting that his
vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the
previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon
celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had
diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very
different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read
aloud these words of Solomon: “Give strong drink unto him that is ready
to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink
and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more.”

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they say celebs die in threes.

they say celebs die in threes.

leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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Michael Jackson had a heart attack

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service

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Diamonds will cut glass and more!

_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
it will cut glass.

_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
on a woman’s heart.

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Michael Jackson requested to be buried at sea

Michael Jackson requested to be buried at sea…between two buoys.

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What was the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

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