Tiki Humor

Little Johnny’s ‘Bookish’ Father

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he were here today.

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

Marcy, the teacher said. You may go first.

Marcy replied, My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.

The teacher said, Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?

Kevin stood up and announced, My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.

Very good, the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he

knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell accountant.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (6 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Blond Farmer

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course, the farmer is blond.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing and looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks, Ah, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies, I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.

How? asks the man, puzzled.

Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (6 votes, average: 2.50 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Cure For Balding

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, er, female juices. But you’re balder than I am,  protested the customer. True,  admitted the barber, but you’ve gotta admit I’ve got one hell of a mustache!

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (9 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Daughter’s Purse

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter’s purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter’s purse and finds cigarettes. She says, “Oh my god, I’m so ashamed! My Daughter smokes.”

So, the redhead goes through her daughter’s purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter drinks.”

So, finally, it’s the blonde’s turn and she finds a used condom. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter has a penis.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (9 votes, average: 3.89 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Fucked them all

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I’ve fucked every woman in this room. To which his friend responded, Well then, between the two of us we’ve fucked them all!

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (8 votes, average: 3.63 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Heavenly Fucker

 

Joe and Myrtle were married for over 50 years when Joe died. A few months later, Myrtle died, too. In heaven, Myrtle looked around for Joe, and found him behind a cloud, fucking another woman! Joe! Darling! she cried. What are you doing? Hang on, Myrtle, replied Joe. Don’t ˜darling’ me. The deal was clear: till death do us part!

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (7 votes, average: 3.29 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Executive Closure of Gitmo

President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Gitmo within a year.

Know how he can make sure it closes even faster? Make it a bank.

– Jay Leno
DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Executive Order

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (8 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , , ,

Carbon and Silicon Life

I was teaching my chemistry class about elements on the periodic table, mentioning that since silicon and carbon have similar properties, science-fiction writers theorize about silicon-based life forms on other planets. But, I stressed, there is no evidence that silicon-based life has existed here on Earth. From the back of the room, a voice flashed back, Have you never seen porn?

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (7 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Old Maids

One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot.

The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”

“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”

“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.

“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”

“Then why did you buy this car?”

“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (7 votes, average: 2.57 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , , ,

IP Address

A couple years ago i worked for Best Buy / Geek Squad. This is one of the more memorable quotes from clueless customers:

“Do you give me an IP address, or is that something i need to purchase”

At least she was smart enough to get the wireless network configuration box open.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (8 votes, average: 2.75 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Lazy Frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (7 votes, average: 3.57 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Camping

Two brothers go on a camping trip in the mountains together. Once they had found a good spot to camp at, they decided to try something fun. Each brother would go his own way for a week, then return to the good camping spot and tell the other all about what they had seen and done. The two men agree that this is a good idea, and strike off on their own.

A week goes by, and they both return to the campsite. They set up their tents, and begin to tell their stories about what they had done the previous week.

The older brother says, “I walked down a ravine, and followed a small stream that was in the bottom of it. I saw lots of deer and birds. I slept next to a beautiful lake, and at night the sky was so full of stars that I swear that I saw the entire galaxy going by overhead.”

The younger brother says, “That sounds great! As for myself, I walked along a railroad track for a day or so. Eventually, I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, and carried her off the tracks in my arms. Soon, we were making love like crazed animals, in every position imaginable! We did that for the rest of the week, until I had to say farewell, leave her behind, and come back here.”

The older brother is amazed and very jealous of his younger sibling. “I suppose she gave amazing blowjobs too, didn’t she?” he says sourly.

“I’m afraid not, I never found her head.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (13 votes, average: 4.38 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

The Final Step Is Acceptance

(I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month one of our mentors listen to our calls, to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)

Me: Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****

Customer: Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!

Me: Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.

Customer: Oh, okay.. It says: ˜Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do i do?!

Me: Er is there a button that says ˜OK’?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Can you tell me what happens when you click the ˜OK’ button?

Customer: Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!! *hangs up*

Me: you’re welcome?

Mentor: *after listening in* You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank the same person I entrust my life savings to.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (7 votes, average: 4.43 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Penguin’s Car

A penguin is driving his car across the country for his summer vacation. Suddenly, his car starts to make horrible noises. The penguin drives his ailing car into a roadside mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be about an hour until he can diagnose the problem. The penguin decides to kill the time by wandering over to a nearby mall.

He casually waddles through the mall, doing some window shopping. Then, he buys himself a vanilla ice cream cone to eat, since it’s such a hot day.

The Penguin starts to walk back to the shop, and while he eats his ice cream it drips all over his face and front.

As he enters the shop, the mechanic looks up from under the car’s hood and says to the Penguin, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

Embarrassed, the Penguin quickly says, “No, I swear it’s just ice cream!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (5 votes, average: 4.60 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , ,

Pregnancy Test

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.

Honey, I have some really great news for you! she said.

Great, tell me what you’re so happy about! he replied.

I’m pregnant! she said.

He kissed her and told her, That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!

Then, she said, Oh honey, there’s more!

He asked, What do you mean, ˜more?’

She said, Well, we aren’t having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how he knew.

She said, Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (6 votes, average: 2.83 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,