Tiki Humor

Minnesota Party

Sick of the city, Sam quits his job and moves to Minnesota, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. After six months of isolation, someone knocks on his door. A huge bearded man is standing on his porch.

Name’s Lars, the man says, from down the road. Having a party Saturday. Wanna come?

Definitely, says Sam. After six months out here, I’m ready to meet some people.

Gotta warn you, says Lars, there’s gonna be some drinkin.’

No problem: I can drink with the best of them, says Sam.

More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.

Well, I like people, Sam says. I’ll be there.

Lars starts to walk away, but then turns back. I seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

Not a problem, says Sam. I’ve been alone for six months! Just one question, though: What should I wear?

Lars shrugs. Whatever you want. It’s just gonna be the two of us.

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Jesus and Satan have an argument

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.

Very well, then. said God, Let us see it Jesus fared any better.

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished and stuttered, But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?

God chuckled and replied, Jesus saves.

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Peddling Dirty Pictures

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York’s finest for peddling dirty pictures. But you’re mistaken, said the kid. These pictures aren’t dirty. Selecting one, the policeman said, Do you mean to tell me this isn’t a dirty picture? The young man responded, Don’t be such a prude, officer! Haven’t you ever seen five people in love? 

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prison for the next 20 years

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, What’s wrong with you? He replied: Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?

Remember, he said, I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.

Baffled, she said, Yes.

The husband bawled, I would have gotten out of prison today. 

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Four types of women having sex

Four types of women having sex:

1. Asthmatic “ ah ah..ahh

2. Obedient “ yes, oh yes ah yes,

3. Greedy “ more..more..pls

4. Religious “ oh god..oh..oh my god oh my God!!!

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Pointless Paranoia, Meet Pistol Packin

(A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.)

Lady: Wait! That picture in the ID doesn’t look like him at all!

(I look at the ID. It appears he’s been sick since the photo was taken, but it’s clearly the same guy.)

Me: Well, ma’am, I’m fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you’d just step up “

Lady: No! You can’t sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God’s sake! You should call the police!

Me: Ma’am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I “

Lady: I need to talk to your manager!

(I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.)

Man: Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches?

(He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.)

Lady: Well um yes, that’s, uh, fine!

(She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, I’ll be right back! She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.)

Me: What was that you showed her?

Man: Oh, my handgun permit.

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Sounds like a fun party

A little boy says to his mother, Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white. His mother replied, Don’t even go there! From what little I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!

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The Best Of Intentions, The Worst Of Retentions

Customer: Hello?

Me: Hello ma’am, this is **** Bookstore. I’m calling to let you know the book you ordered has come in.

Customer: What? You’re who?

Me: This is **** Bookstore. You ordered a book from us and it’s here.

Customer: I ordered a book?

Me: Yes.

Customer: I don’t remember ordering anything.

Me: The order sticker says you ordered it last week. The title is Improving Your Memory.

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Room 1221

A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.

She replies, if your cock is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.

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Odd Menu

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere , parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

˜Yes?’ she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, ˜may I help you?’

The ole biker leans over the bar, I was wondering young lady, he whispers, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs Why yes, Yes, I sure am.

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.

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A shark on whiskey is mighty risky

A shark on whiskey… is mighty risky. But a shark on beer… is a beer engineer

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George W. Bush Statue

Dear Sir:

We have the distinction of being members of a committee to raise $200,000,000 to be used for placing a statue of George W. Bush in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.

The committee was in a quandary about selecting the proper location for the statue. It was thought unwise to place it beside that of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside that of Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George W. Bush could never tell the difference.

After careful consideration, we think it should be placed next to the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all, in that he started out not
knowing where he was going, and in arriving did not know where he was, and in returning did not know where he had been ” and managed to do it all on borrowed money.

The inscription on the statue will read: “I pledge allegiance to George W. Bush and to the national debt for which he stands, one man, expendible, with graft and corruption for all.”

Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly five thousand years later, Ronald Reagan said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Now George W. Bush has stolen the shovels, kicked our asses, raised the price of Camels, and laid waste to the Promised Land.

If you are one of the few who has any money left over after paying off Bush’s huge national debt, we will expect a generous contribution from you toward this noteworthy project.

Yours sincerely,

National Committee on the Bush Bust

P.S. It is said that Michael Steele is considering changing the Republican party emblem from an elephant to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is getting screwed!

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The Best Law Enforcement

The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. Their press release on their “successful operation” notes “The rabbit had it coming.”

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “OK, OK — I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

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General Cosgrove Quote

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

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legs or breasts?

When asked if I preferred legs or breasts, I told the stranger that I had a particular fondness for nice hairy pussies. He then informed me that this wasn’t an option when choosing a KFC Bargain Bucket.

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She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.

Rod continues slowly sipping his beer and then thoughtfully says, You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.

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belligerent drunk

 

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: I can lick any man in the fuck’n place!

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?

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Game over. Geek wins.

 

Michael Jordan having retired, with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

* If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
* If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
* If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
* He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
* If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
* If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.
* He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
* He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
* This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it?

However

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Geek wins.

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Jesus and Satan On The Computer

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don’t have any?’
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES….

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to improve his stamina

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey? Mrs. Stone answered, Well, he’s a little behind with the pills, but he’s about six months ahead with the whiskey.

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meet with President Bush

An old man wearing a VFW hat walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn’t live here anymore.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, “Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn’t live here anymore.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I’ve told you already that he is no longer in office. He’s never coming back. Don’t you understand?”

The old veteran answered him, “Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it ” he didn’t attend the funeral of a single Marine killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, you know.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!”

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Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?  he hissed at the parrot Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, I’m just trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?

Moses,  replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed.

What kind of people would name a bird Moses?

The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

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can’t afford to get pregnant

“I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can”t afford to get pregnant!” said Edna to her friend Priscilla. “But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy, “Priscill a responded. “He did.” replied Enda. “That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant!”

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Asshole Bleach

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job. The second woman says Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached! To which the first replies, Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!

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Ice Cream Eater

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it! The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, Aren’t you going to do anything!? The husband replies, First of all, you have too many shoes as it is.Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!

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