Tiki Humor

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

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My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…

…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge

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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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I saw a theatre production about puns recently

It was a play on words

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Does anyone know where I can go to hangout and meet people?

I’m asking for a friend.

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What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.

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My wife has an extraordinary ability to cook persevered food from a jar.

Her cooking is uncanny.

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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere

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I’m terrified of elevators

I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them

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Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?

They’re good but they haven’t gotten to a gig yet.

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Last night I had a dream about Legos

I’m trying to figure out what it means but I just can’t put it together.

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I tired to sue the airport for losing my luggage

Sadly I lost my case

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I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen

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I’ve started eating my meals from scales instead of a plate…

I’m aiming for a well balanced diet.

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Did you hear about the new school for deaf children?

Apparently it has all the bells and whistles.

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She’s beyond repair..

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. I said, “No. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.”

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Dad jokes?

Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!

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Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

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How do you think the unthinkable

With an ithberg

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Just finished cleaning the toilet.

Scrubbed the shit out of that thing.

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Why did the one legged man go to the bank?

To check his balance

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Dad: What mouse walks on two legs? Me: uhh..Mickey Mouse

Dad: What duck walks on two legs?

Me: Donald Duck!!

Dad: All of them, you moron

Me: shit

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s pretty time-consuming

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What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

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Vending machines are kind of homophobic

If the bill you feed it isn’t straight, it will reject it.

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