Tiki Humor

belligerent drunk

 

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: I can lick any man in the fuck’n place!

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?

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Game over. Geek wins.

 

Michael Jordan having retired, with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

* If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
* If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
* If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
* He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
* If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
* If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.
* He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
* He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
* This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it?

However

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Geek wins.

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Jesus and Satan On The Computer

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don’t have any?’
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES….

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to improve his stamina

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey? Mrs. Stone answered, Well, he’s a little behind with the pills, but he’s about six months ahead with the whiskey.

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meet with President Bush

An old man wearing a VFW hat walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn’t live here anymore.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, “Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn’t live here anymore.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I’ve told you already that he is no longer in office. He’s never coming back. Don’t you understand?”

The old veteran answered him, “Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it ” he didn’t attend the funeral of a single Marine killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, you know.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!”

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Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?  he hissed at the parrot Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, I’m just trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?

Moses,  replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed.

What kind of people would name a bird Moses?

The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

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can’t afford to get pregnant

“I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can”t afford to get pregnant!” said Edna to her friend Priscilla. “But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy, “Priscill a responded. “He did.” replied Enda. “That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant!”

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Asshole Bleach

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job. The second woman says Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached! To which the first replies, Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!

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Ice Cream Eater

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it! The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, Aren’t you going to do anything!? The husband replies, First of all, you have too many shoes as it is.Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!

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Tiny Sex

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, How the hell do the two of you have sex? The big guy says, I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down. His friend says, You know, that don’t sound too bad. The big guy says, Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.

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cash to cover the cleaning bill

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. Damn, he says. I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.

Not to worry, says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. Why are there two twenties? she asks.

The drunk replies, Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too. 

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Playing Doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age, the neighbor said. Sexuality?! the mother yelled. He took out her appendix!

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12 shots of tequila

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast.

You would if you had what I have, the man says, throwing back number 11.

Well, what is it you have?

The man throws back his last shot and says, Fifty cents.

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S&M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?
Sally replies It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M. Sue is aghast. Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that. Oh, sure, says Sally, He snores while I masturbate.

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Arab Terrorists Vs Marine On Airliner

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’ As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’

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Larry’s bar

A man goes to see a psychiatrist and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes down to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she fucks anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?  Relax, says the doctor. Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?

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Balls

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ” something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ˜Why do you love doing that?’

˜Because,’ she replied, ˜I miss mine.’

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Rules for hunting lawyers

Washington state attorney season and bag limits

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
The devil visited a lawyer\’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I\’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you\’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife\’s soul, your children\’s souls, and their children\’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”

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Married

John wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!

John sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

John looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

“Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. John asks, “Son…what happened last night?”

His son replies: “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

The father continues “So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

“Oh, THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”

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Getting a divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

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Triplets

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets, was in a supermarket. Suddenly, a man with a balaclava and a gun burst in and shouted, “Everybody put your hands on your head, and get down on your knees! This is a robbery!”
All of the customers did so, but the pregnant woman couldn’t because she was too large. The thief noticed this, and shot her three times in the uterus before making an escape.

A couple of months later, the triplets were born. They, of course, survived the shots and grew up well without many complications.
Three years after the incident, the mother was in the kitchen reading the newspaper. One of the triplets came into the kitchen and said, “Mummy, I found a bullet in my poo!”

The mother brushed off the comment and said, “That’s nice, dear.”
The next day, when the mother was sat in the kitchen, another of the triplets hobbled in and said, “Mum, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother, again, just said, “That’s nice dear.”

The day after that, the mother was in the lounge watching the news, the third of the triplets walked in and said, “Mummy, I -”

“Let me guess, you found a bullet in your poo?”

“No, I farted and shot the cat.”

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Getting Fucked

One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she’s lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish.

The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies I have no arms and no legs. I’ve never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked!

So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says Now you’re fucked!

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Kinky Sex

A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she’s so down to which she replies, My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.

What a coincidence! he said, My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.

So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman’s apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.

Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headeding towards the door.

What’s going on? she asks. I thought you wanted to get kinky?

The man turns to her and says, Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.

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Question Of Height

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can’t stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor’s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, “What’s wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”

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Bank Robbery

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?” The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…” The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!” The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?” The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”

The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”

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