Tiki Humor

laws of gravity

“How did you find the weather in London?” asked the friend of the
returned traveler.

“You don’t have to find the weather in London,” replied the traveler.
“It bumps into you at every corner.”

An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in
winter in the North of Scotland.

“Why, it’s nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States,”
said the American. “I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumping
from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and
stuck in the air like a mass of ice.”

“But, man,” exclaimed the Scotsman, “the law of gravity wouldn’t allow
that.”

“I know that,” replied the tale-pitcher. “But the law of gravity was
frozen, too!”

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pain in my back

Chris and Choche were talking one day when Chris says, I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back. So what happened? Choche asked. Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee? Why would he want you to sit to pee? Choche asked Well, said Chris, With my bad back, he doesn’t want me picking up anything too heavy.

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Brides in White

The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach
the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.

“Why,” said he, “does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white
at her marriage?”

As no one answered, he explained. “White,” said he, “stands for joy, and
the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman’s life.”

A small boy queried, “Why do the men all wear black?”–_M.J. Moor_.

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paper cutter

“What are you cutting out of the paper?”

“About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
through his pockets.”

“What are you going to do with it?”

“Put it in my pocket.”

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Few Female Statues

“How very few statues there are of real women.”

“Yes! it’s hard to get them to look right.”

“How so?”

“A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn’t seem true to life.”

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Worm Food

A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and
the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event
she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking
up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd.

“Isn’t this perfectly gorgeous!” she exclaimed. “Just think, it came
from a poor little insignificant worm!”

Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said:
“Yes, darn it, an’ I’m that worm!”

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Half and Half

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of
withering scorn: “If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up.”

The little conductor calmly replied: “Shure, ma’am, if ye was half a
woman I would!”

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Half Deep

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.

“No,” replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: “I thought you said it wasn’t deep?”

“It isn’t,” was the reply; “it only takes grandfather’s ducks up to their middles!”

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Faulty Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

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What size would you like?

A great woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. Yes we do, he answers. What size would you like?

She replies, Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now.

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Dry Sermon Revolt

“We will take as our text this morning,” announced the absent-minded
clergyman, consulting his memorandum, “the sixth and seventh verses of
the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs.” Never suspecting that his
vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the
previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon
celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had
diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very
different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read
aloud these words of Solomon: “Give strong drink unto him that is ready
to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink
and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more.”

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they say celebs die in threes.

they say celebs die in threes.

leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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Michael Jackson had a heart attack

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service

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Diamonds will cut glass and more!

_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
it will cut glass.

_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
on a woman’s heart.

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Michael Jackson requested to be buried at sea

Michael Jackson requested to be buried at sea…between two buoys.

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What was the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

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why did michael jackson love halloween?

free delivery

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It has been announced that Jacko will not be buried or cremated.

It has been announced that Jacko will not be buried or cremated. Due to his high content of plastic he is scheduled to get recycled and made into toys, so just for a change the kids will get to play with HIM !!

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Michael Jackson’s dates in London have been cancelled

Michael Jackson’s dates in London have been cancelled. They are James (aged 9) and Thomas (aged 11)

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McDonalds’ New Burger

McDonalds are bringing out a new burger called the McJackson. It’s 50yr old meat stuffed inside 12yr old buns.

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michael jason didnt suffer a heart attack!

michael jason didnt suffer a heart attack!!! He was found in the childrens ward having a stroke

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Died of food poisoning

I heard Michael Jackson died of food poisoning……he was eating 12 year old nuts

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Light Headed Laird

A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:

“Well, Sandy, you’re getting very bent. Why don’t you stand up straight,
like me?”

“Eh, mon,” replied Sandy, “d’ye see yon field of corn?”

“I do,” said the laird.

“Ah, weel,” said Sandy, “ye’ll notice that the full heids hang down, an’
that the empty yins stand up.”

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might of been worse

The maiden of, er–forty or so, was much upset.

Quoth she to a younger friend:

“Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid.”

“That’s pretty frank!” exclaimed the friend.

“Yes; wasn’t it unladylike of her?”

“It certainly was rude,” agreed the other. “Still, it’s better than having her tell lies about you.”

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Miracle Piano Player

During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his
right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor’s to have them attended to.

“Doctor,” he asked, anxiously. “When this hand of mine heals, will I be
able to play the piano?”

“Certainly you will,” the doctor assured him.

“Then you’re a wonder, doctor. I never could before.”

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