Tiki Humor

Triplets

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets, was in a supermarket. Suddenly, a man with a balaclava and a gun burst in and shouted, “Everybody put your hands on your head, and get down on your knees! This is a robbery!”
All of the customers did so, but the pregnant woman couldn’t because she was too large. The thief noticed this, and shot her three times in the uterus before making an escape.

A couple of months later, the triplets were born. They, of course, survived the shots and grew up well without many complications.
Three years after the incident, the mother was in the kitchen reading the newspaper. One of the triplets came into the kitchen and said, “Mummy, I found a bullet in my poo!”

The mother brushed off the comment and said, “That’s nice, dear.”
The next day, when the mother was sat in the kitchen, another of the triplets hobbled in and said, “Mum, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother, again, just said, “That’s nice dear.”

The day after that, the mother was in the lounge watching the news, the third of the triplets walked in and said, “Mummy, I -”

“Let me guess, you found a bullet in your poo?”

“No, I farted and shot the cat.”

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Getting Fucked

One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she’s lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish.

The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies I have no arms and no legs. I’ve never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked!

So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says Now you’re fucked!

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Kinky Sex

A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she’s so down to which she replies, My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.

What a coincidence! he said, My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.

So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman’s apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.

Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headeding towards the door.

What’s going on? she asks. I thought you wanted to get kinky?

The man turns to her and says, Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.

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Question Of Height

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can’t stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor’s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, “What’s wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”

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Bank Robbery

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?” The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…” The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!” The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?” The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”

The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”

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Top Ten Reason to Masturbate

Think of all the money you will save on personal ads.

Your hand will never leave you.

Natural endorphins create a happy mood and outlook on life.

Your dildo doesn’t care if you have sex with another dildo.

Your pocket pussy won’t be hurt if you don’t call the next day.

You don’t have to spend time and money taking your penis pump to dinner.

Your vibrator never wants sex in the morning unless you do.

You don’t need to ask your dong if it has been tested for STD’s.

Your hand does not care if you go right to sleep. And Ravens #1 reason to masturbate..

You get to cum first and last!

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Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a not word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome.” That will bring on a “whatever”

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying you are in big trouble.

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology

*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it’s true

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Still Mourning

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter, seeing that her Mom was lonely, repeatedly urged her to start dating. On her daughter’s advice Karen finally went on a blind date.

After dating for just six weeks Karen and her new boyfriend fell in love. Eager to move the relationship to the next level he asked her to join him for a weekend at his cabin by the lake.

Their first night there, she undressed and stood nude in front of him except for a pair of black lacy panties.

Why the black panties? he asked.

My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.

He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night, so he kindly suggested they just go to bed. The following night saw the same scenario. There she stood wearing her black panties. Without saying a word he took off all his clothes. He was naked except for a black condom that he had on.

She looked at him and asked curiously, What’s with the black condom?

I would like to offer my deepest condolences , he replied.

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Religious Convictions

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

So I ran over and said “Stop! don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said,”Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?”

He said, “Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?”

He said,”Reformed Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

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Star light, star bright

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Ah crap, it’s a satellite.

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canoe ride

“I nanea no ka holo o ka wa’a i ke akamai o ke ku hoe.”

One can enjoy a canoe ride when the paddler is skilled.

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Think Twice

I’ll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night.

one man said to the other. I’ll say. replied the second,

First, I have to think up a reason for going out.

Second, I have to think up why she can’t go with me.

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Hey are you pregnant ?

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home,and they start fucking.

He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.

He says, Hey, are you pregnant?

She says, That wasn’t a nipple, that was a boil.

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stimulus package

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

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red but smells like blue?

Q: What’s red but smells like blue paint?
A: red paint

I saw this while drunk and watching Myth Busters.  Credit goes to the always beautiful Kari Byron.

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Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate

“He’s a smart one. Once he sees the crate, he gets pretty nippy, but we’ve learned a few tricks over the years,” chief VP wrangler Ted Irving breathlessly said while applying pressure to a deep gash on his forearm. “If we break a rabbit’s legs and throw it in there, he will eventually go in to finish it off. Doesn’t work with dead rabbits, though. Cheney only eats what he kills.”
Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

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Microsoft Retail Stores

Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open retail stores to compete with Apple.

Microsoft says that their stores will be just like Apple stores except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question.

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Password Problems

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.

“Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

DeadDog -» DeadDog Archive -» Password Problems

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Bailout

The Adult Entertainment Industry is asking the government for a $5 billion bailout.

A lot of people are against this. They’re afraid if they give the porn industry a bailout, they’ll just blow it.

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Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner

John Oliver on The Bugle: Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner is like apologizing
for spelling someone’s name wrong on a birthday cake you made them out of shit.

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International Incident

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: No!  and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. Ther sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: NO WAY, BUDDY!  and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear: Can I pay in Canadian currency?

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Underwear Dust Cloud

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
What the fuck? he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. April, he hollered into the bathroom, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?

It’s not talcum powder, she shot back. It’s fuck’n ˜Miracle Grow’.

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Some Bad News and Some VERY Bad News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Toe-Raising Sex

A couple were engaged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner’s toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked: Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don’t?

Silly,  she replied, I take my pantyhose off in the shower!

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Viagra Prescription

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra and requests the largest dose possible. The doctor asks why he needs so much and the man explains that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor nods and fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same man goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks: Why? Is your penis in that much pain?

No, the man responds. It’s for my wrists – the girls never showed up!

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