Tiki Humor

Did you know that a nose cannot be twelve inches long?

Otherwise it would be a foot.

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Two weed dealers are laundering money into the bank. Where is it going?

A joint account.

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The other day, I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, I opened it up and all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

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Apparently you can’t use beef stew as a password .

It’s not strogonoff.

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Where do cows go after elementary school?

To a second dairy school.

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What do you call an oatmeal cream pie that looks like Michael Jackson?

Lil Deb HEE-HEE

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Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

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I will only give someone a kleenex if I’ve known them for a long time.

I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.

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My wife told me that John Cena and his wife are getting divorced…

She got tired of not being able to see him.

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A $20 Trick

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty bucks,” she says.

He’s never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

via

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How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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I only learned 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

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I’ve always wanted to replace the Mediterranean with orange soda.

I guess it’s always been my greatest Fanta Sea.

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Why did the little kid fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

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Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she’ll let it go!

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why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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A man is at a funeral.

He goes up to the widow and says, “I’m so sorry for your loss, may I say a word?”

The widow says, “Yes, go ahead”

The man goes up to the stand and says, “Plethora”

The widow then says, “Thank you, that means a lot”

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I had terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

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Why did the bear wear slippers?

To cover his bear feet

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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

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What do you call an alligator that likes to start trouble?

An instigator

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Did you know there’s a pastry that can’t be made or sold at night?

A day-nish.

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Woman walks into a library and says have you any books about paranoia?

Librarian says their behind you.

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