Tiki Humor

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

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My friend bought a dog from a blacksmith

As soon as he got it home, it made a bolt for the door

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Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

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How much room do you need to grow a fungus?

As mushroom as possible.

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Everyone thinks Thor is so great…

It’s because his brother is low-key….

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What do you call someone who has 10 ants?

A landlord.

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Why are pediatricians always so angry?

They have very little patients

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A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.

He’s been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he’s come down with a sore throat and can’t hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

“I’m sorry,” says the director, “but we can’t delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I’ll let you in on a little opera house secret.” The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. “Drink this. It’s a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again.”

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. “Euch! This is… awful! What’s in this tea anyways?”

“Well, it’s a secret herbal tea blend made with… well… fish broth.” The director replies. “Tuna, specifically. We’ve found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we’ve tried.”

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. “So… what did you think? Did I get the part or not?” He asks.

“I’m sorry,” said the director, “you performed well, but we’ve decided to give the part to someone else.”

“That’s OK,” the man says, “I’m just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea.”

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punch line becomes apparent!

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What does a Hawaiian Spider do in his free time?

Surf the web.

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I’m dieting religiously.

I no longer eat in church.

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I really hate slut jokes..

They’re whoreable

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How can you tell if a joke is a dad joke?

It’ll be apparent.

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I was in an elevator at the bottom floor when two guys came in arguing to each other. When we got to the top floor, they started to fight.

I’ve never seen something escalate so fast.

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I go to the gym religiously.

About twice a year around the holidays.

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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice it when you replace random words with musical instruments.

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What do you do if attacked by a mob of clowns?

Go for the juggler

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I didn’t understand my friend telling me the difference between a rotary and a traffic circle…

It was a roundabout explanation.

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A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00 and a slice in the Bahamas is $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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Why did the chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

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I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

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Why do cow’s have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose.

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I got tired of playing the triangle in my band

It was just one ting after another

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What do you call a person who never farts in public?

A private tutor

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When my ex wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.”

I wanted things to end on a positive note.

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