Tiki Humor

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience

The second time let me down.

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that burned down?

All that’s left is de Brie.

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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

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What do you call a retarded boob?

Stupidity

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What’s it called when a cowboy comes back to life?

Reintarnation

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What do cigarettes and squirrels have in common?

They’re both perfectly safe until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

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I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I just don’t know why.

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

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Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing?

I think it’s total non scents.

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What’s the quietest dinner?

A Shhhh Kebab

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Dé jà pú

that weird feeling you’ve been through this shit before

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I think the most important part of a home is the toilet

After all, we all spend a shit load of time there

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Your dad is in prison and he has a stutter.

He’s never going to finish his sentence.

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What’s least spoken language on earth?

Sign language

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Why did the environmentally-friendly factory require that its workers start wearing suspenders to work?

They wanted to eliminate waist products.

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So my wife recently gave birth to our son in the car on the way to the hospital, I think we shall name him…

Carson

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What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time

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Tuck in my chin, pull my knees to my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll.

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My sister bet me $1,000 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

It’s ok though, she always comes crawling back.

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My son asks me, "What does gay mean?"

Me: “It means ‘happy,”

Son: “Oh, so are you gay, then?”

Me: “No, son, I have a wife.”

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What’s blue and not heavy?

Light blue

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

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I went to a really moving wedding the other day

Even the cake was in tiers

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If you’re cleaning out your vacuum cleaner

In that moment, you are the vacuum cleaner

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