Tiki Humor

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore, he keeps getting attached by ducks.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog

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A woman gets on a Bus with her Baby.

A woman gets on a Bus with her Baby. The Bus Driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest Baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you,

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If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices

is it irrelephant?

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Why didn’t the boat dock?

Too much Pier Pressure

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What days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays

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what did one hat say to another?

you stay here. i’ll go on a head

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I feel bad for people that mow the edges of golf courses.

They have a rough job.

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I just completed my first marathon in the Middle East.

Iran to Iraq

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I’m a man who likes to drive with high heels on…

I call it drag racing.

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Did you know that a nose cannot be twelve inches long?

Otherwise it would be a foot.

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Two weed dealers are laundering money into the bank. Where is it going?

A joint account.

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The other day, I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, I opened it up and all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

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Apparently you can’t use beef stew as a password .

It’s not strogonoff.

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Where do cows go after elementary school?

To a second dairy school.

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What do you call an oatmeal cream pie that looks like Michael Jackson?

Lil Deb HEE-HEE

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Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

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I will only give someone a kleenex if I’ve known them for a long time.

I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.

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My wife told me that John Cena and his wife are getting divorced…

She got tired of not being able to see him.

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A $20 Trick

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty bucks,” she says.

He’s never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

via

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How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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I only learned 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

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I’ve always wanted to replace the Mediterranean with orange soda.

I guess it’s always been my greatest Fanta Sea.

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Why did the little kid fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

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