Tiki Humor

A woman made her first visit to a Gynecologist one day. . .

A woman made her first visit to a Gynecologist one day. She was incredibly nervous and the old, and very experienced, doctor could tell.

As he asked her to sit up on the bed and put her feet in the stirrups he saw her knees were shaking. The doctor asked “you seem a bit tense. Would you like some numbing?”

The girl was a bit embarrassed but very relieved and said “Oh yes please!”

The doctor rolled up his sleeves, shoved his face between her legs, and went “NUMANUMANUMANUMA”

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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They can smell it, but they can’t eat it.

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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

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Which rock group has 4 men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

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How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None! They’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

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What does Hilary call an FBI agent with 9 bullet holes in the chest?

The worst suicide she has ever seen

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What do computers snack on?

Computer chips.

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Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

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How does a reaver clean their harpoon?

They put it though the Wash

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what’s darth vader’s corrupt brother’s name?

taxi vader

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Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar . . .

Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar. A patron walks up to the bar and asks the barman if thats Hitler and Stalin sitting over there. He says yes. The man goes over to Hitler and Stalin and asks what they are doing. “We’re planning world war 3″ says Stalin. “We’re going to kill 14 million jews and 1 bike repair man” says Hitler “Why the bike repair man?” The patron asks. Hitler says to Stalin “See? I told you no one would ask about the jews.”

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I know someone who talks like an owl

I know someone who talks like an owl

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What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains no letters?

An Empty Envelope.

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Meanwhile, when I was much younger…

I remember the time, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parent’s home. I had scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp Cocktail, 3 lb Lobster, even Champagne. I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?” “No,” she replied, “but Mom’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said, “Would you care for dessert?”

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Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…

I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…

“Really?” she said, “Go on then…try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded “Come on, what day was I born?” “Yesterday.” I replied.

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A bear goes into a bar

A bear goes into a bar, sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: “sorry, we don’t serve drug users in here” bear: “but I don’t do drugs” bartender: “what about that barbitchyouate”

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My first hooker…

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would give me a hand job for 500 dollars and I laughed and said “500 Dollars!? Why that much?” She then whipped out her cell phone and showed me a picture of a Lamborghini “You see this car? I paid for it by selling hand jobs.” So I shrugged and said “What the hell, I need to live a little, I’ll do it” so we go back to my hotel and she gives me the best hand job I ever had.

She leaves and I pass out. The next night I go back to the same casino bar, and sure enough she’s there again and I decide I wanted some more. I walk up to her and say “You were amazing last night, how much would it cost for a blow job?” She then smiles and says “1 grand.” Again I’m a little bit set back by the price and I said “A grand? Is it that good?” She then whips out her phone and shows me a picture of a HUGE, luxurious house. She then says “See this house? I paid for it with blowjobs” so I said “Alright let’s do it” so this time we go into her car and she decides to blow me in the parking lot, and its the best blowjob I ever had.

We sit there and I’m blown away by this woman, so I ask her, “how much would it cost for some pussy?” She then laughs and points to the casino. “You see that casino?” I said “…yeah?” She says “If I had a pussy, I would own that casino.”

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Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller…

Robber: “Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!’

Cashier (puzzled) “Did you mean to say “or you’re history?”

Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”

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One Marine is better than…

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters”.

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred Isis ‘S.O.B.’s’”.

Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters.” The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s two of them.”

 

One Marine is better than… originally appeared on MyConfinedSpace on February 25, 2015.

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One Marine is better than…

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, “maybe I’ll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!”

The vendor said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.”

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, “those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about.” Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, “Damn, this one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

One Marine is better than… originally appeared on MyConfinedSpace on February 20, 2015.

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Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Classic conditioning

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I need you to masturbate

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you’d like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I’m really sorry sir, but I don’t have any stamina left now. I can’t do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car keys, drop my daughter home.

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Warm Suicide

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, “Go away! There’s nothing you can say to change my mind!”

He says, “Well, if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, why don’t we have sex? At least I’ll enjoy it.”

“Absolutely not! You’re disgusting!”, she replies. The man turns and starts walking away.

“Is that all you’re going to say? You’re not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?”

“I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you’ll still be warm!”, he says.

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$400 a fuck

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going.

He replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.”

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