Tiki Humor

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter’s purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter’s purse and finds cigarettes. She says, “Oh my god, I’m so ashamed! My Daughter smokes.”

So, the redhead goes through her daughter’s purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter drinks.”

So, finally, it’s the blonde’s turn and she finds a used condom. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter has a penis.”

Sat Dec 20 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, “You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I’ve fucked every woman in this room.” To which his friend responded, “Well then, between the two of us we’ve fucked them all!”

Joe and Myrtle were married for over 50 years when Joe died. A few months later, Myrtle died, too. In heaven, Myrtle looked around for Joe, and found him … behind a cloud, fucking another woman! “Joe! Darling!” she cried. “What are you doing?” “Hang on, Myrtle,” replied Joe. “Don’t ‘darling’ me. The deal was clear: till death do us part!”
– Fri Jan 23 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Gitmo within a year.

Know how he can make sure it closes even faster? Make it a bank.

- Jay Leno
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Executive Order

I was teaching my chemistry class about elements on the periodic table, mentioning that since silicon and carbon have similar properties, science-fiction writers theorize about silicon-based life forms on other planets. “But,” I stressed, “there is no evidence that silicon-based life has existed here on Earth.” From the back of the room, a voice flashed back, “Have you never seen porn?”
– Mon Jan 26 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot.
The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”
“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”
“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.
“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”
“Then why did you buy this car?”
“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”

A couple years ago i worked for Best Buy / Geek Squad. This is one of the more memorable quotes from clueless customers:

“Do you give me an IP address, or is that something i need to purchase”

At least she was smart enough to get the wireless network configuration box open.

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

Two brothers go on a camping trip in the mountains together. Once they had found a good spot to camp at, they decided to try something fun. Each brother would go his own way for a week, then return to the good camping spot and tell the other all about what they had seen and done. The two men agree that this is a good idea, and strike off on their own.
A week goes by, and they both return to the campsite. They set up their tents, and begin to tell their stories about what they had done the previous week.
The older brother says, “I walked down a ravine, and followed a small stream that was in the bottom of it. I saw lots of deer and birds. I slept next to a beautiful lake, and at night the sky was so full of stars that I swear that I saw the entire galaxy going by overhead.”
The younger brother says, “That sounds great! As for myself, I walked along a railroad track for a day or so. Eventually, I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, and carried her off the tracks in my arms. Soon, we were making love like crazed animals, in every position imaginable! We did that for the rest of the week, until I had to say farewell, leave her behind, and come back here.”
The older brother is amazed and very jealous of his younger sibling. “I suppose she gave amazing blowjobs too, didn’t she?” he says sourly.
“I’m afraid not, I never found her head.”

Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes » The Final Step Is Acceptance

(I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month one of our mentors listen to our calls, to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)

Me: “Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****”

Customer: “Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.. It says: ‘Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do i do?!”

Me: “Er…is there a button that says ‘OK’?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you tell me what happens when you click the ‘OK’ button?”

Customer: “Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!!” *hangs up*

Me: “…you’re welcome?”

Mentor: *after listening in* “You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank… the same person I entrust my life savings to.”

ME