Tiki Humor

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied, “Oh I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass.”
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Blind Man

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, “Come on in.” Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, “Are you the people who broke my window?” The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. “Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Fantastic!” says the husband. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” says the genie, “it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?”

“I want a house in every country in the world,” says the wife.

“Consider it done,” the genie replies, turning back to the man. “And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either.”

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, “How old is your husband, anyway?”

“Thirty-five,” she replies.

“And he still believes in genies?”
– The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. “This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, ‘What a coincidence!’

My girlfriend wanted me to make love to her like in the movies. So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face. She got pissed. I guess we don’t watch the same fucking movies! — Sat Dec 27 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

A woman walks into a post office to mail a letter. He notices a man standing at the counter with a pile of pink envelopes. She watches as he places a Love stamp on each one and then sprays it with perfume.

Her curiosity gets the better of her, so she approaches the man. “What are you doing?” She asks.

“I’m mailing 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, “Guess who?”

“Why would you do that?” asks the woman.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” was the man’s reply.
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » trick

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you go first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Annie?”

Annie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Annie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a 7-year-old?”

DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Shameful Occupations

Image via Wikipedia

One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out: “Ouch you fucking wanker!”

Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. She said: “Father, my boys just won’t stop swearing and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, have you tried smacking them?” the priest asked.

“No,” she replied. “Doesn’t the church look down on that?”

“Well,” the priest said, “yes, but in some cases we’ll make an exception.”

The next day, the two boys came down for breakfast and she asked Tommy what he wanted to eat.

Tommy said: “Gimme some fucking waffles.”

The mother backhanded Tommy so hard that he flew out of his chair and landed against the door.

Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy became very quiet. His mother asked him what he wants for breakfast, and he replied,

“Well you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no fucking waffles!”
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Colorful Language

Image via Wikipedia

The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese.

You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.

- Jay Leno
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Big Numbers

Image by Tim Morgan via Flickr

Two secretaries were talking about their work.

“I hate filing,” said one. “No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I’m looking for. I forget where I have filed them.”

“I used to have that problem too, but no more,” her blonde friend said. “Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can’t miss it!”
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Blonde Filing System

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don’t worry, we still have one engine left.”

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”