Tiki Humor

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come”. The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come”? and the Indian replies, “Ear sticky”.
– Tues Feb 17 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods.

When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said, “Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular … and that’s just not us.”

Michigan’s Department of Education banned schools from giving students an “F” in any subject.

It’s for the good of the kids. When they are grown up and running the auto companies they’ll have the experience necessary to ask for a bailout.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practicalexam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » First-Time Stewardess

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb!’”

.

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says, “Do you know that you have a steering wheel in your pants?”

The pirate replies “Ay, it’s driven me nuts.”
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Pirate Humor

Former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever.

Black Republicans said they were thrilled … both of them.

– Jay Leno — DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Historic Election

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The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, “Mommy what’s that between your legs?” She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, ” Grandma what’s that between your legs?” She replied, “That’s my squirrel.” The little boy said, “Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours.” Grandma replied, “Well, your mommy’s squirrel hasn’t cracked as many nuts as mine has!”
– Fri Feb 13 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office.

“Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.”

“What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”
– The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…

President Bush is hosting a lunch this month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents.

Bush said, “I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.” He doesn’t know what happened.

- Conan O’Brien
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Presidential Lunch