Tiki Humor

Bubba, a farm boy fresh off the tater wagon, and not accustomed to bein’ with the ladies, met a sexy babe at the “Dead Steer Country & Western Bar” She told him she wanted to take him home and ride him like a cowgirl on a bucking bull. She wasn’t very good, though; he was able to throw her off in less than 8 seconds, each and every fuck’n time!
– Thur Feb 12 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside, they heard a shopkeeper say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!” So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.”

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”

The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Mon.”

The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got a wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years.

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped off his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold on the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, “You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!” — The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. “Veronica, I just don’t know what to do,” Gloria said to her friend at work. “That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?”

“Oh, my God!” her friend exclaimed. “He’ll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he’ll rip off your dress and you’ll have fantastic sex!”

“What should I do?” asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, “Wear an old dress.”
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Rip-Roaring Date

A blonde, bosomy cheerleader confessed to her priest that she often had sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. “Now, my daughter,” consoled the priest, “I’m sure if you think about it, you’ll know you’ve been doing something wrong.” “Yeah, I guess you are right,” replied the cheerleader. “Maybe it would be more comfortable in the backseat.” — Wed Feb 11 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

Voters in Louisiana, on Saturday, kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer.

How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money … make him treasury secretary.

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WASHINGTON—In an alarming development with wide-reaching implications for America’s safety, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and CIA Director Michael Hayden issued a joint report Monday warning that the next 9/11 could in fact occur on a different date.

The report, based on intelligence gathered by field-agents, found that a future 9/11 might take place on an entirely new month and day, including 4/24, 6/13, or even 10/12. According to the report, the nation could realistically find itself in the midst of a 5/25 scenario, as well as a potential 3/14 situation in the months to come.

8/28, 6/19, and 11/7 were also cited as possible 9/11s.
– Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Click through to read the rest of this terrifying report.

With today’s focus on exercising, I’ve been trying to talk my husband into joining me in a 20-minute walk each night. One evening after reading an article called “Brighten You Sex Life,” I felt I had a new argument to present. I told my husband that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life. He replied, “Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away?”
– Mon Feb 9 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

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After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
– Bits & Pieces

ME

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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Drunken Driving

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse.

“I want to get weighed,” replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed.” Amber responded.

By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.”
– DeadDog