Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours? Sally replies It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M. Sue is aghast. Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that. Oh, sure, says Sally, He snores while I masturbate.
— Mon March 30 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’ As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’
A man goes to see a psychiatrist and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes down to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she fucks anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do? Relax, says the doctor. Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ” something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ˜Why do you love doing that?’
˜Because,’ she replied, ˜I miss mine.’
— DeadDog Â» DeadDog Archive Â» A TEAR TO YOUR EYE
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
The devil visited a lawyer\’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I\’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you\’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife\’s soul, your children\’s souls, and their children\’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”
John wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can\’t believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!
John sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
John looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. John asks, "Son…what happened last night?"
His son replies: "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
The father continues "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
"Oh, THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I\’m married!"
A farmer walked into an attorney\’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”
The attorney said, “No, you don\’t understand, do you have a case?”
The farmer said, “No, I don\’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No you don\’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that\’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”
And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”
A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets, was in a supermarket. Suddenly, a man with a balaclava and a gun burst in and shouted, “Everybody put your hands on your head, and get down on your knees! This is a robbery!”
All of the customers did so, but the pregnant woman couldn\’t because she was too large. The theif noticed this, and shot her three times in the uterus before making an escape.
A couple of months later, the triplets were born. They, of course, survived the shots and grew up well without many complications.
Three years after the incident, the mother was in the kitchen reading the newspaper. One of the triplets came into the kitchen adn said, “Mummy, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother brushed off the comment and said, “That\’s nice, dear.”
The next day, when the mother was sat in the kitchen, another of the triplets hobbled in and said, “Mum, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother, again, just said, “That\’s nice dear.”
The day after that, the mother was in the lounge watching the news, the third of the triplets walked in and said, “Mummy, I -”
“Let me guess, you found a bullet in your poo?”
“No, I farted and shot the cat.”
One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she’s lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish. The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies I have no arms and no legs. I’ve never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked! So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says Now you’re fucked!
— Thur March 19 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit
A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she’s so down to which she replies, My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.
What a coincidence! he said, My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.
So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman’s apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.
Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headeding towards the door.
What’s going on? she asks. I thought you wanted to get kinky?
The man turns to her and says, Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.
— The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…