Tiki Humor

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Just thinking…

Q: What’s red but smells like blue paint?
A: red paint

I saw this while drunk and watching Myth Busters.  Credit goes to the always beautiful Kari Byron.

“He’s a smart one. Once he sees the crate, he gets pretty nippy, but we’ve learned a few tricks over the years,” chief VP wrangler Ted Irving breathlessly said while applying pressure to a deep gash on his forearm. “If we break a rabbit’s legs and throw it in there, he will eventually go in to finish it off. Doesn’t work with dead rabbits, though. Cheney only eats what he kills.”
– Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open retail stores to compete with Apple.

Microsoft says that their stores will be just like Apple stores … except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question.
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Retail Stores

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.

“Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

– DeadDog -» DeadDog Archive -» Password Problems

The Adult Entertainment Industry is asking the government for a $5 billion bailout.

A lot of people are against this. They’re afraid if they give the porn industry a bailout, they’ll just blow it.
– DeadDog -» DeadDog Archive -» Bailout

John Oliver on The Bugle: Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner is like apologizing
for spelling someone’s name wrong on a birthday cake you made them out of shit.

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: “No!” and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. TheY sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear: “Can I pay in Canadian currency?”
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » International Incident

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.”What the fuck?” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out. “April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?” “It’s not talcum powder,” she shot back. “It’s fuck’n ‘Miracle Grow’.”
– Mon Mar 2 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.