Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: I can lick any man in the fuck’n place! The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?
— Mon April 27 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit
Michael Jordan having retired, with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
* If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
* If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
* If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
* He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
* If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
* If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.
* He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
* He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
* This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn’t it?
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.
Game over. Geek wins.
— Wednesday Morning Humor: Game over. Geek wins.
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job.’
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don’t have any?’
God just shrugged and said,
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey? Mrs. Stone answered, Well, he’s a little behind with the pills, but he’s about six months ahead with the whiskey.
— Sun April 19 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit
An old man wearing a VFW hat walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine replied, “Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn’t live here anymore.”
The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.
The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, “Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn’t live here anymore.”
The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I’ve told you already that he is no longer in office. He’s never coming back. Don’t you understand?”
The old veteran answered him, “Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it ” he didn’t attend the funeral of a single Marine killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, you know.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!”
— snopes.com: Funeral Rights
A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, Jesus is watching you.
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, Jesus is watching you.
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, I’m just trying to warn you.
The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
Moses, replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed.
What kind of people would name a bird Moses?
The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
— The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…
“I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can”t afford to get pregnant!” said Edna to her friend Priscilla. “But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy, “Priscill a responded. “He did.” replied Enda. “That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant!”
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job. The second woman says Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached! To which the first replies, Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!
— Thur April 16 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit
A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it! The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, Aren’t you going to do anything!? The husband replies, First of all, you have too many shoes as it is.Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!
— Tues April 14 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit