A little boy says to his mother, Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white. His mother replied, Don’t even go there! From what little I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!
— Thur May 28 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit
Me: Hello ma’am, this is **** Bookstore. I’m calling to let you know the book you ordered has come in.
Customer: What? You’re who?
Me: This is **** Bookstore. You ordered a book from us and it’s here.
Customer: I ordered a book?
Customer: I don’t remember ordering anything.
Me: The order sticker says you ordered it last week. The title is Improving Your Memory.
— Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes Â» The Best Of Intentions, The Worst Of Retentions
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.
She replies, if your cock is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.
— The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere , parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
˜Yes?’ she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, ˜may I help you?’
The ole biker leans over the bar, I was wondering young lady, he whispers, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs Why yes, Yes, I sure am .
The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.
— DeadDog Â» DeadDog Archive Â» Menu
The doctor took Choche into the room and said, Choche, I have some good news and some bad news. Choche said, Give me the good news. They’re going to name a disease after you.
— Fri May 15 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit
A shark on whiskey… is mighty risky. But a shark on beer… is a beer engineer.
We have the distinction of being members of a committee to raise $200,000,000 to be used for placing a statue of George W. Bush in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.
The committee was in a quandary about selecting the proper location for the statue. It was thought unwise to place it beside that of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside that of Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George W. Bush could never tell the difference.
After careful consideration, we think it should be placed next to the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all, in that he started out not
knowing where he was going, and in arriving did not know where he was, and in returning did not know where he had been ” and managed to do it all on borrowed money.
The inscription on the statue will read: “I pledge allegiance to George W. Bush and to the national debt for which he stands, one man, expendible, with graft and corruption for all.”
Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly five thousand years later, Ronald Reagan said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Now George W. Bush has stolen the shovels, kicked our asses, raised the price of Camels, and laid waste to the Promised Land.
If you are one of the few who has any money left over after paying off Bush’s huge national debt, we will expect a generous contribution from you toward this noteworthy project.
National Committee on the Bush Bust
P.S. It is said that Michael Steele is considering changing the Republican party emblem from an elephant to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is getting screwed!
— snopes.com: The President’s Statue and the Promised Land
The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. Their press release on their “successful operation” notes “The rabbit had it coming.”
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “OK, OK — I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
— Top 10 Best Comebacks | Top 10 Lists | TopTenz.net
When asked if I preferred legs or breasts, I told the stranger that I had a particular fondness for nice hairy pussies. He then informed me that this wasn’t an option when choosing a KFC Bargain Bucket.
— Tues May 5 Â« Lefturn’s Funny Shit