A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
“Well, Sandy, you’re getting very bent. Why don’t you stand up straight,
“Eh, mon,” replied Sandy, “d’ye see yon field of corn?”
“I do,” said the laird.
“Ah, weel,” said Sandy, “ye’ll notice that the full heids hang down, an’
that the empty yins stand up.”
The maiden of, er–forty or so, was much upset.
Quoth she to a younger friend:
“Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was
nothing but a hopeless old maid.”
“That’s pretty frank!” exclaimed the friend.
“Yes; wasn’t it unladylike of her?”
“It certainly was rude,” agreed the other. “Still, it’s better than
having her tell lies about you.”
During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his
right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped
into the doctor’s to have them attended to.
“Doctor,” he asked, anxiously. “When this hand of mine heals, will I be
able to play the piano?”
“Certainly you will,” the doctor assured him.
“Then you’re a wonder, doctor. I never could before.”
“Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?” demanded
the boss angrily.
“It’s like this, boss,” explained the tardy one; “you kept telling me
not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn’t watch
it at home either.”
_Tommy:_ “What’s an echo, pa?”
_Pa:_ “An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of
the last word.”
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.
The lady from the South commented, Well, isn’t that precious?
The first woman continued, When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz ¦
Again, the lady from the South commented, Well, isn’t that precious?
The first woman continued boasting, Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, Well, isn’t that precious?
The first woman then asked her companion, What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?
My husband sent me to charm school, declared the Southern lady.
Charm school? the first woman cried, Oh, my God! What on earth for?
The Southern lady responded, Well for example, instead of saying, Who gives a shit? I learned to say, Well, isn’t that precious ¦.
– Bits & Pieces Â» Charm school
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly
it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of
the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the
appearance of the hoop’s owner. He arrived.
“Please, I’ve broken your window,” he said, “and father’s come to mend
Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work,
while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man
“That’ll be three shillings, mum.”
“Three shillings!” gasped the woman. “But your son broke it. The little
fellow with the hoop. You’re his father, aren’t you?”
The man shook his head.
“Never seen him before,” he said. “He came round to my place and said
his mother wanted her window mended. You’re his mother, aren’t you?”
It was the usual domestic storm.
“Oh, dear! oh, dear!” moaned wifey in tears. “I wish I’d taken poor
mother’s advice, and never married you!”
Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last
“Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?” he demanded.
Wifey nodded violently.
A look of deep remorse crossed hubby’s face.
“Great Scott,” he cried, in broken tones, “how I wronged that woman!”
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds
himself rather short of cash just now. His account was Â£60 over drawn,
and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to
suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.
“Oh, aye,” replied the pawky one. “I’m Â£60 short am I? Will ye just look
up an’ tell me hoo my account stood in June?”
“Oh,” the banker said, “you were all right then; you had Â£250 to your
“Aye, an’ did I ring you up in June?” was the caustic rejoinder.
_The Client:_ “I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they
_The Lawyer:_ “Well, what do you expect?”
_The Client:_ “Full of booze. Isn’t that what f. o. b. means?”
During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked
how it was that the Jews were so wise.
“Because,” said the Jew, “we eat a certain kind of fish;” and he offered
to sell one for ten dollars.
After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
into it, then exclaimed: “Why, this is only a smoked herring.”
“See?” said the Jew. “You are getting wise already.”
“Yes,” said the old man to his visitor, “I am proud of my girls and
would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won’t see thirty-five again. I
shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
have $5000 with her.” The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
“You haven’t one about fifty, have you?”
An elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the old man leans over and says to his wife, Dear, there’s something I have to ask you. It’s always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I must know: Did he have a different father?
The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. Yes, she admits. He does.
Tears well up in the old man’s eyes. Please, he says, Can you tell me who it was?
The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, You.
– The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…
How is the Pope like a Christmas Tree?
The balls are just for decoration.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
“He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?”
“But, my dear daughter, you’ve only known him three weeks.”
“I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
he might find out some things about me he won’t like, too.”