Tiki Humor

Blonde : “I would like to have a globe of the earth.”

Sales Man: “What size, madam?”

Blonde: “Life-size, of course.”

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them. A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: You’re showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won’t have worms. 
– Sat June 13 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

Foreman: “‘Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to
your one?”

Laborer: “‘Cos ‘e’s too blinkin’ lazy to go back fer the other one.”

Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London,
and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During
the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself
very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine
disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he
was heard to remark, “Well, I hope they’ll not be very long wi’ the
whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi’ these mineral waters.”

“Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?”

“How old are you now?”

“Forty.”

“Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?”

“No. I don’t drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven’t
any vices.”

“Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?”

Sick of the city, Sam quits his job and moves to Minnesota, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. After six months of isolation, someone knocks on his door. A huge bearded man is standing on his porch.

Name’s Lars,  the man says, from down the road. Having a party Saturday. Wanna come? 

Definitely,  says Sam. After six months out here, I’m ready to meet some people. 

Gotta warn you,  says Lars, there’s gonna be some drinkin.’ 

No problem: I can drink with the best of them,  says Sam.

More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too. 

Well, I like people,  Sam says. I’ll be there. 

Lars starts to walk away, but then turns back. I seen some wild sex at these parties, too. 

Not a problem,  says Sam. I’ve been alone for six months! Just one question, though: What should I wear? 

Lars shrugs. Whatever you want. It’s just gonna be the two of us. 
– The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out. 

Very well, then.  said God, Let us see it Jesus fared any better. 

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished and stuttered, But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it? 

God chuckled and replied, Jesus saves. 

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York’s finest for peddling dirty pictures. But you’re mistaken,  said the kid. These pictures aren’t dirty.  Selecting one, the policeman said, Do you mean to tell me this isn’t a dirty picture?  The young man responded, Don’t be such a prude, officer! Haven’t you ever seen five people in love? 
— Sat June 6 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, What’s wrong with you?  He replied: Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? 

Remember,  he said, I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years. 

Baffled, she said, Yes. 

The husband bawled, I would have gotten out of prison today. 
– The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…

Four types of women having sex:

1. Asthmatic “ ah ¦ah..ahh

2. Obedient “ yes, oh yes ¦ah yes,

3. Greedy “ more..more..pls

4. Religious “ oh god..oh..oh my god ¦oh my God!!!
– Wed June 2 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

(A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.)

Lady: Wait! That picture in the ID doesn’t look like him at all! 

(I look at the ID. It appears he’s been sick since the photo was taken, but it’s clearly the same guy.)

Me: Well, ma’am, I’m fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you’d just step up “ 

Lady: No! You can’t sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God’s sake! You should call the police! 

Me: Ma’am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I “ 

Lady: I need to talk to your manager! 

(I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.)

Man: Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches? 

(He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.)

Lady: Well ¦ um ¦ yes, that’s, uh, fine! 

(She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, I’ll be right back!  She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.)

Me: What was that you showed her? 

Man: Oh, my handgun permit. 
– Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes » Pointless Paranoia, Meet Pistol Packin’