Tiki Humor

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

_Mother:_ “Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can’t you
agree once in a while?”

_Georgia:_ “We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do
I.”

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch
whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along
came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down
and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.
Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his
leg.

“Oh, Lord,” he groaned, “I hope that’s blood!”

“I know I’m old, but I’m crazy about you,” stated Mr. Moneybags. “When I
go I’ll leave all my fortune to you if you’ll have me.”

“Have you any bad habits?” asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.

“Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit.”

“You dear old thing. Of course I’ll marry you. And we’ll have our
honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won’t we?”

I guess Michael Jackson was rich. He not only purchased a ranch, he bought the farm.

A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle
[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some
reward.–_George Washington_.

If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want
to get rich you must go about it in some other way.

“How did you find the weather in London?” asked the friend of the
returned traveler.

“You don’t have to find the weather in London,” replied the traveler.
“It bumps into you at every corner.”

An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in
winter in the North of Scotland.

“Why, it’s nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States,”
said the American. “I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumping
from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and
stuck in the air like a mass of ice.”

“But, man,” exclaimed the Scotsman, “the law of gravity wouldn’t allow
that.”

“I know that,” replied the tale-pitcher. “But the law of gravity was
frozen, too!”

Chris and Choche were talking one day when Chris says, “I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back.” “So what happened?” Choche asked. “Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?” “Why would he want you to sit to pee?” Choche asked “Well”, said Chris, “With my bad back, he doesn’t want me picking up anything too heavy.”

via Sat July 4 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach
the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.

“Why,” said he, “does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white
at her marriage?”

As no one answered, he explained. “White,” said he, “stands for joy, and
the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman’s life.”

A small boy queried, “Why do the men all wear black?”–_M.J. Moor_.