Tiki Humor

A Very Gay Day

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

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Three very macho mice

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ˜em like candy.  The second mouse, not to be outdone says, Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.  The third mouse says, You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you, but I gotta go fuck the cat.

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Barman’s Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy hops.
Thou will be drunk,
And I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale, The Bitter and The Lager.
Forever and ever, Barmen

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Redneck Computing

You know you’re a good ol’ boy computer operator if…

* Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.

* You’re right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.

* When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin’ it real good with some WD-40.

* You can’t understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn’t recognize the words “col’beer”, “hon”, and “frog-strangler”.

* One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle. You get the itch to start a message with the words, “Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?”

* You can’t figure out why Microsoft doesn’t have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it’s good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?

* Instead of “bytes”, you think of it as “horsepower”.

* You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.

* You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fistfight.

* Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else’s. Instead of an apple, your command button has an okra on it.

* Congratufreakin’lations – you hold the world record for most number of hits – on the World Wrestling Federation web page.

* The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into the paper holder.

* Most of the e-mail you send starts with “I’ll tell you what,” “This ain’t no bull,” or “It’s got to where you cain’t…”

* Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.

* You’re pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.

* You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes. But you with there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own still.

* Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during football games and wrestling matches anyway.

* The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.

* You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide.

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She wants on top

She Wants On Top!

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.

Angelina says, “Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he’always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he’s a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore.”

The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi.

“Giuseppi, isa dis true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?”

Giuseppi says, “Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she’sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go’sa back to when I’ma young boy. My poppa, he’sa very smarta man. I always follow ev’ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, ‘Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw
up.”

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Survivor, Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor – Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they’ll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, “I’m gay”, “I’m a vegetarian”, “I voted for Al Gore”, “George Strait Sucks”, “Hillary in 2008”, and “I’m here to confiscate your guns!” The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

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what’s your southern astrological sign?

Some people (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are their own “Southern” astrological signs.

OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or – maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 – May 21)
When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

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I fucked your mom

Three guys are drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar.

After a while he approaches the guys, and pointing at the one in the middle, shouts “I’ve fucked your mom!”

The three guys look bewildered and the man resumes drinking at the bar.

Ten minutes later he comes back and screams, “Your mom’s sucked my cock!”

Ten more minutes and the same thing happens. He announces loudly, “I’ve had your mom up the ass!”

The young guys have had enough of this, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, “Dad, you’re fuck’n drunk, go home!”

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Your Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If…

* if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer

* if he says “these are not the beers you’re looking for”

* if that “Disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans and spare ribs

* if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside

* if he calls his young apprentice, “Juner(JR)”

* if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up

* if the Force isn’t the only thing that runs in the family

* if he calls Hank Williams Jr. “Master”

* if his landspeeder has a gun rack

* if he meditiates to old CCR records

* if he calls Yoda his Li’l green buddy.

* if he has ever said, “Anger… fear…aggression… Yankees…the dark side are they.”

* if his X-Wing has a still in it

* if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base

* if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid

* if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them

* if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock

* if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill

* if he uses Jawas for a drink holder

* if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other

* if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck

* if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD

* if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth

* if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.

* if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored

* if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored

* if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

* if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

* if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

* if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling

* if his father ever said to him, “Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

* if he’s ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light

* if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery

* if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an “Ugly” contest

* if his father’s name is Garth Vader

* if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids

* if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister

* if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs

* if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power

* if he’s ever used a light saber to skin a deer

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African Roulette

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

“The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.”

President Clinton frowned. “Russian roulette’s not a friendly, nice game.”

The African leader smiled. “That’s why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how.”

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. “You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex,” he told Clinton.

This gained Clinton’s immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. “How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?”

The African leader said “One of them is a cannibal.”

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Military Bonus Requirement

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between any two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.”

The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants…he did…. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he said, “where are your testicles?!”

The general replied, “Back in Nam!”

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A fly in your beer?

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!

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signs of a good date

These three women were roommates. One night they had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time. The first one said, You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up. The second one said, No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared. The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. Now THAT’S a good fuck’n date!

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Tall woman and a midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,  said the woman, especially with the size difference and all.  Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,  said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. If you think that was good,  said the midget with a smirk, Just wait till I get BOTH FUCK’N legs in there!

 

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Military Bravery

Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!”

“YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. “Now that’s bravery!” exclaims the general.

“Bravery, nothing,” snorts the Army general. “Get over here, private!”

“YES SIR!!” replies the private.

“Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.”

“YES SIR!!” replies the private, and completes the task.

“Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!”

They look to the Marine. “Private,” the Marine Corps General commands.

“YES SIR!!”

“Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing ‘The Halls of Montezuma’, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.”

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, “TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!”

The general turns to the others and says, “Now THAT’S bravery!”

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I am a conservative!

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

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Poor Doug

Doug sat at the bar drowning his sorrows — he’d had a bad day. First, his wife left him for a phys-ed teacher and he found his car had been keyed in the middle of the night. When he arrived at work, he was told his job had been made redundant and he was no longer needed. To top it all off, his doctor’s office called with his test results; Doug had herpes. Probably from the phys-ed teacher.

And so Doug was pounding shots of tequila between sobs. A man sitting at the other end of the bar watched him intently for a few minutes before weaving his way carefully to Doug’s stool.

“Buddy, you look like you’re having a hell of a day,” he slurred.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Doug replied, sniffling.

“Let me cheer you up,” the man said. “I want to show you something.”

The drunk man led Doug over to a window and pointed to the alley four floors below. He explained that the way the buildings were built allowed a thermal to rush up the alley whenever a subway train went by underground. This thermal, the man insisted, was so powerful that it would hold a man in the air and gently lower him to the ground as it dissipated.

“So basically, you’d feel like you were flying,” the man finished.

Doug expressed his disbelief and the man said he’d prove it. He waited until a train rumbled by and leaped out the window. Unbelievably, the man hovered serenely just outside the window before floating slowly toward the ground. As he regained his footing, he looked up at Doug and yelled, “Now you try it!”

Doug waited a few minutes until he could hear a train. He climbed up onto the window sill, took a deep breath, jumped… and plummeted to his death on the concrete below, screaming all the way.

A waitress happened to be walking by and poked her head out the window only to see the drunk man standing over Doug’s spattered remains, giggling to himself. She grimaced and called down to him, “Superman, you are SUCH a prick when you’re drinking.”

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blonde handyman

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

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Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

# Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

# Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

# Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”

# Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

# Granny found cuffed to her walker.

# Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

# Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.

# You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of Hustler.

# Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

# Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for “doggy style.”

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Bob was in trouble

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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charitable lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

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Escaped Prisoner’s Choice

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

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Jackass Truck Driver

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

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which days men prefer to have sex

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex.

It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter ‘T’…

Examples of those days are:

* Tuesday
* Thursday
* Thanksgiving
* Today
* Tomorrow
* Thaturday
* and Thunday

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Professional Advise

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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