Tiki Humor

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

* Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

* I say zip it — zip it good!

* Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

* Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

* Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

* Just Say Whoa!

* The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

* Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

* Leave It Near Beaver

* Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5″ reruns.

* You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

* Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

* Spend a little time away from the orifice.

* “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door.

“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want these blinds?”

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Upcoming Easter and
Passover days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case
against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The
argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the
passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring,”Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the Ruling , “Your honor, how
can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah,
yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance
or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is
the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God,
then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.. Court is
adjourned.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said “lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a poll-ice roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?” asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No, sir”, said Earl. “We’s on the patch!”

# You can enjoy a beer all month long.

# Beer stains wash out.

# You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

# Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play hockey.

# When your beer goes flat you toss it.

# Beer is never late.

# Hangovers go away.

# A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

# Beer labels come off without a fight.

# When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.

# Beer never has a headache.

# After you have had a beer the bottle is still worth 10¢.

# A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.

# If you pour a beer right you’ll always get a good head.

# You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

# A beer always goes down easy.

# You can share a beer with your friends.

# You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer.

# A beer is always wet.

# Beer doesn’t demand equality.

# You can have a beer in public.

# A beer doesn’t care when you get home.

# A frigid beer is a good beer.

# You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there’s an accident.

Pat calls Mike’s wife, Mary, and says: “Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there’s been an accident down at the Guinness.”

“Saints Preserve us,” says she, “is Mike alright?”

Pat responds, “I’d like to tell ya that, but it’d be a lie!”

“Ya don’t mean that me Mike’s been hurt?” says Mary.

“Sure, an it’s worse than that,” says Pat, “he’s fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!”

“Oh, well” says Mary, “At least it was quick, ya know he couldn’t swim a lick!”

“Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that,” says Pat, “but it’s be a lie… He got out three times ta pee!”

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.”

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

The Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

* No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

* Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.

* Beer has never caused a major war.

* They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

* When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.

* Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

* You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

* There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.

* You can prove you have a Beer.

* If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”