Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper’s position…
Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”
Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:
1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
11. The owners recognize the wisdom of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. “Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.” The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.” The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. “I don’t get it. Why won’t you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.”
The guy says, “Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls… But a talking frog is cool!”
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” Snap! he was dead.
Then the Redneck said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, “What’s wrong with you?” The Redneck replied, “You guys are so stupid….. I’m wearing a condom.”
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.” The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”
“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?”
“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.”
“Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”
“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are over 250 wheelbarrows missing?”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”
As a 100 year old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-280. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
* Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
* Big Money Works
* Bought My Wife
* Brutal Money Waster
* Bimbette Motor Weapon
* Break My Window
* Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
* Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
* Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
* Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
* Dead or Dying Gas Eater
* Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express
* Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
* Fix It All the Time
* Fix it again, Tony!
* First On Recall Day
* First On Race Day
* First On Rust and Deterioration
* Fix Or Repair Daily
* Found On Road, Dead
* Fault Of R&D
* Fast Only Rolling Downhill
* Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
* Found On Russian Dump
* General Maintenance
* Great Mistake
* Garage Man’s Companion
* Got A Mechanic Coming?
* Had One Never Did Again
* Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive
* Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
* Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
* Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment
* Put In New Transmission Often
* Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s A Cadillac
* Send Another Automobile Back
* Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
* Sorry Arsed Auto Builders
* Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
* Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
* Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
* Virtually Worthless
# My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
# I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
# Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don’t have.
# The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
# In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
# The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
# An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
# I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
# The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go–so I ran over him.
# I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
# I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
# The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
# A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
# I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
# A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A blonde begged her friend at the highway department for a job, any job at all.
“Sure,” he said, “I can’t seem to keep people who paint the lines down the center of the roads. Will you paint stripes?”
The blonde agreed and began work immediately. The first day the blonde painted 5 miles of stripes. The next day the blonde painted three miles. But on the third day she only painted one mile of stripes.
The supervisor took the blonde aside and asked what was wrong. “You worked so hard and painted so fast the first couple of days. Why are you working so slow now?”
The blonde replied, “The bucket keeps getting farther away.”
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediatelysprings into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune … the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I’m an IRS Agent.”