During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed…
… Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I m not sure the IRS finds that believable. I m a great gambler, and I can prove it, says Ralph. How about a demonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay. Go ahead. Ralph says, I ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye. The auditor thinks a moment and says, No way! It s a bet. Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor s jaw drops. Ralph says, Now, I ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. The auditor can tell Ralph isn t blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. Want to go double or nothing? Ralph asks. I ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between. The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. Are you okay? the auditor asks. Not really, says the attorney.
This morning, when Ralph told me he d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you d be happy about it.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient And ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug….. Do you want a bed near the window?”
Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”
Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”
Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”
Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”
Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”
Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”
Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”
“1. Don’t tell people everything you know.”
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest ; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.” The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.” The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.” Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well……?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24″ waist and 34″ hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”
“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”
“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”
“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.
“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” ”No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it.” Intrigued, the woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” ”It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains. ”What’s it telling you now?” ”Well, it says that you’re not wearing any panties…” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!” The man exclaims, “Damn—it must be broken again. It’s always running an hour fast!”
Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, “Ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who
greeted him with a bright,
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”
She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more
He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
The man smiled back to her and once again,
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s
Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”
The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry,
Honey, It’s Thursday — duuhhh
It was at a party and the host was getting worried
because there were too many people and not enough
She was sure that not all these people were invited
but did not know how to tell which ones were the
crashers. Then the husband got an idea.
He turned to the crowd and said, ‘Will those who are
from the bride’s side of the family stand up please?’
About twenty people stood up.
Then he asked, ‘Will those of you who are from the
groom’s side of the family stand up as well?’
About twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, ‘Will all those who stood up
please leave, this is a birthday party!’.
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine-cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said : ‘I don’t think you should take one, Dad. They’re very strong and very expensive.’ ‘How much?’ asked Grandpa. ‘$10.00 a pill.’ answered the son.‘I don’t care,’ said Grandpa,‘I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.’ Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.He called Grandpa and said : ‘Dad, I told you each pill costs $10.00, not $110.00. ‘ ‘I know,’ said Grandpa. ‘The hundred is from Grandma!’