Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, “I will give you $1000 if you let me have sex with you.” The girl looked at him shocked and said, “Hell no!” He said, “I’ll be real quick; I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I’ll be finished by the time you’ve picked it up!”
She thought for a moment and told him that she had to ask her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, “Ask the guy for $2000. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won’t even have time to get his pants down!” She agreed and accepts the proposal. 2 hours go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend to call back. Finally after another fifteen minutes he calls and asks, “What the hell happened?!” Heavily panting, she managed to reply, “It’s all in quarters!”
An Irishman walks into a bar in Ireland orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; wouldn’t you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?” The fellow replies: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in America and the other, in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The fellow becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers. When the fellow goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The fellow looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye and says: “Oh, no, everyone’s fine. You see, it’s just that I’ve given up beer for Lent.”
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.” The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” “I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed
A city is experiencing a terrible flood. A man is sitting on his front porch watching the water rise and a jeep drives up. “Get in! Everything’s going to be underwater!” “No thanks. God will save me. An hour passes and the water Has risen in the house. A boat comes by. “Get in! You’re going to drown!” “No thanks. God will save me.” The water rises over the house. The man is now on the roof. A helicopter flies overhead. “We’ll lower a line. Grab it or you’ll die!” “No thanks. God will save me.” The man drowns. When he gets to Heaven and meets God he says, “God! Why didn’t you save me?!”
“I sent a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?”
via Much of the Religious Right is becoming increasingly obsessed with a war on demons. In this worldview every obstacle from microphone static to cancer is a manifestation of an attack by the devil. : science.
The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach the significance of white to a Sunday-school class. “Why,” said he, “does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white at her marriage?” As no one answered, he explained. “White,” said he, “stands for joy, and the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman’s life.” A small boy queried, “Why do the men all wear black?”
A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks the fellow, “what's the occasion?”
The guy says, “my first blowjob.”
The bartender says, “Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I`ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!”
The man says, “No thanks. If 4 shots don’t get rid of the taste…”
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, ’Are these plates clean?’
His grandfather replied, ’They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ’Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said, ’I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! ’Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’
A man watching a baseball game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife. “For heaven’s sake, watch them fuck,” his wife said.”You already know how to play baseball!”