A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes get big and he says, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!”
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, “Ohhhh. Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”
A blonde is standing in an elevator with a few other people when a man wearing a black suit steps on. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulders of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and after door closes someone says, “Someone should really give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”
The blonde then responds, “Yeah… Hey, how do you give shoulders?”
…and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I can fart the star spangled banner in any key you want, for a drink. The bartender says, you can fart the national anthem in any key? Hell, I will give you three drinks for that! The drunk says, ok, what key? The bartender says how about “G”? Ok, So the drunk makes two people move from their stools and gets up on the bar, drops his pants around his ankles and bends over. He gets red faced and then shits all over the bar and the floor. The bartender is pissed! He goes, what the hell you son of a bitch? The drunk goes, gimme a break, even the great Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he performed!
So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now my hose, bra, and panties.” I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”
Today I was getting an examination and the doctor said that I’m going to have to quit masturbating
I asked why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”