Tiki Humor

Expensive Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and says “What kind of scotch have you got?”

The bartender says “I have the finest scotch in the world!, but it’s very expensive, it costs about 300 dollars a glass, but you have to do some other things first before you are allowed to have it”

The guy says, “What do I have to do?”

The bartender replies, “well, In addition to the 300 dollars, there is a woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm her entire life, AND, there is a native silverback gorrilla out back that has a very serious back problem, If you can give the woman an orgasm, AND cure the gorilla of its back problem, you can have the scotch”

The guy says “You’ve got a deal!” And with that, he places 300 dollars on the table and triuphantly strides out back. He is out there for almost an hour, people can hear grunting, and the sounds of the intense physical strain of the man trying to cure the gorilla. After a very long time of wrestling with it, the man comes back into the bar, his shirt ripped to shreds and covered in bruises

“Alright!” he says, “Now where’s that woman with the back problem?”

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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?

What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?

Wanna buy some candy?

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A man was at a bar….

A man was at a bar one night and saw a beautiful redhead sitting in the booth opposite him. After about 5 minutes, he got up the guts to go talk to her. Just as he sat down, she sneezed and her glass eye flew out from her socket.

On reflex, the guy shot out his arm and caught her eye and gave it back to her. They started talking and the redhead invited the man to go to a movie with her, then go back to her place for a nightcap. In the morning, she cooked him a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and the man said, “Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you?”

The redhead replied, “No, you just happened to catch my eye!”

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Superior Blowjob

A man feels lonely one night, so he calls an escort service. When the girl arrives, she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. He asks her for a blowjob. She smiles. “All right baby, I give the best blowjobs in the country. There’s just one thing: I can only do it in the dark.” The man gets pretty excited. He sits down on his armchair and turns off the lamp next to him, plunging the room into darkness. He hears some fumbling, and pretty soon shes going at it. She’s right; it’s the best blowjob in the country.

The next day he calls her again and asks her to come over. He sits back in his armchair and turns off the lamp. It’s better than the first time. He can’t believe how good it is. He wonders how the hell she’s doing it. So the next day he calls her again, determined to find out her technique. When she’s blowing him for the third time in darkness, he reaches his hand out to turn on his lamp, but knocks a small round object off the table. He turns on the lamp to find a glass eye on the floor.

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Spilt BBs

A woman is cooking a pot of soup for her family when she accidentally bumps into a shelf next to the stove, spilling a large container of BB’s into the soup. Rather than take the time to fish them out, she serves the soup to her family.

Later that night, her husband comes over and says “Honey, guess what? I just pissed BB’s!”

A short time later her daughter comes over and says “Mom, guess what? I just pissed BB’s!”

A short time after that her son comes over and says “Mom, guess what?”

“Let me guess. You pissed BB’s” the mother says.

“No,” the son says, “I was jacking off and I shot the cat.”

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

2, one to change the lightbulb and 1 to hold the cock…I mean father….I mean ladder.

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Why don’t you ever see black people on a cruise?

Why don’t you ever see black people on a cruise?

Because they fell for that trick once before.

via What are your best dirty jokes? GO! : AskReddit.

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not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, “Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

But another voice kept reminding him, “Howard, you are a fuck’n veterinarian.”

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pickle slicer fucker

There’s a man who has been mandated by his pickle factory to go see a psychiatrist. Every week it’s the same story: the man wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer, and the shrink has to talk him out of it.

Finally, the man can’t take it anymore. “Doc, I gotta do it. I gotta stick my dick in the slicer. I can’t even explain why, but I have to.”

The shrink says, “No; you’ll lose your dick, they’ll have to replace the machinery, it’ll just be awful.” But it’s to no avail.

The next week the man comes into the office with a huge grin on his face.

“I did it, I finally did it. I had fucked the pickle slicer.”
“How was it? How do you feel?”
“Great.”
“Did you get fired?”
“Yeah.”
“What did they do with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, they fired her too.”

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new words

A Grade 5 Class is being asked 3 syllable words. Each kid is asked to stand up and say a word. 1st Kid – Banana, 2nd kid telephone…. etc

Comes to Little Billy and he just doesn’t get it…. Teachers says:

Your homework tonight is to learn a 3 syllable word and tell us before we start class tomorrow.

Next Day the Teacher asks Billy:

Billy stands up and says: “Contagious”

Teacher is floored….. “Where did you learn that word?”

Billy: Last night during the snow storm, my mom was outside shoveling…. My Dad looked out the window and said:

“It is gonna take that Contagious!”

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a murderer, masohist, sadist, necrophiliac and pyromaniac are siting together

So a murderer, masochist, sadist, necrophiliac and pyromaniac are siting together and the sadist says: “Hey let’s get a cat and torture it!”, and the murderer says: “Ok, let’s torture a cat and then kill it!”, so the pyromaniac says:”Great, let’s torture a cat, then kill it, and then burn it!” and then the necrophiliac says:”Yeah ok, but let’s torture the cat, then kill it, then burn it, and then fuck it!”, to which the masochist replies:”Meow”

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assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…..He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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cab driver revenge

A man is in Las Vegas and losing his ass. He cannot win anything, and before he knows it, he has absolutely no money left. The only thing he does have is his plane ticket home, but he has no way to the airport.

He walks out of the casino and sees a solitary cab with the cabby leaning against it. He walks over and asks the driver if there’s any way he could just take him to the airport. He swears that he will wire the cabby the money the moment he gets home, but the cabby is a total dick.

“You know how many fucking losers I deal with everyday that give me that bullshit story? Fuck you ya piece of shit. Get away from me before I call the cops”, the shithead cabby says.

Well, the guy walks half way to the airport, finally thumbs a ride, and gets home.

He has an outstanding year in business and makes a killing in the market.

Almost a year to the day, he goes back to the same casino where he previously lost his ass, but this time he kills. He cannot lose. Blackjack, slots, you name it, and he’s kickin’ it’s ass.

When it’s finally time to go, he walks out of the casino and sees a line of about 5 cabs. As he looks down the row, he sees that same asshole that gave him such a hard time the previous year, leaning against his cab at the end of the cab line.

He goes up to the nearest cabby and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabby says $10.

The guy says, “OK. How about I give you an extra $2 and you suck my cock?”

The cabby nearly hits him, and tells him to get the hell out of there before he calls the cops.

So the guy goes to the next cab and the next cab, and so on, asking the same thing, “How much for a ride to the airport…how about I give you an extra $2 to suck my dick?”, and each time he gets told to go away.

Finally, the guy comes to the shithead cab driver from last year, and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”, to which the cabby says $10.

So without another word, the guy hops in the cab.

As the cab is pulling past the other cab drivers, the guy holds up 2 $1 bills against the side window, smiles and gives the other cab drivers the thumbs up.

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What’s the best things about being married to a Panda?

What’s the best things about being married to a Panda?

No-one notices the black eyes.

And you get to fuck a Panda.

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Secret Code

Secret Code

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: ‘Bud, you’re holding it upside down!’

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No that’s Wales

An American visits Edinburgh. Of course he soon finds himself in a pub talking to a Scotsman.

The American is very complimentary about Scotland, giving more and more reasons why he loves the country and the Scottish people. As the drinks flow, the reasons for admiration become more and more outrageous. Eventually he says one of the reasons why he loves Scotland is because the men are brave enough to shag sheep.

The Scotsman replies “No that’s Wales”.

“My god!” answers the American “Do you stick it in the blow hole?”

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Two Welshmen, two Scots, and two Englishmen are stranded on a desert island

Two Welshmen, two Scots, and two Englishmen are stranded on a desert island. When they’re finally rescued ten years later, the Scots have built a distillery but are still arguing over whose round it is, the Welshmen have formed a close harmony choir, and the Englishmen are still waiting to be formally introduced.

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A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught drunk out of their skulls in Saudi Arabia

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught drunk out of their skulls in Saudi Arabia and are dragged before the Sultan. Angrily the Sultan tells them

“Although the penalty is usually death for such a heinous act, today is a day of the celeration of honesty so I will spare your lives. Instead I will give you 20 lashes from our most horrible whip. Yet I still feel sympathy for you on this holy day so I will give you each one item to strap to your back.”

The Irishman thinks about it and chooses a pillow. They lead him to the post, tie a pillow to his back and start whipping away. After 5 whips the pillow bursts and the Irishman takes 15 whips on his back. He returns to the men crying his eyes out and begging them to choose wisely.

The Englishman steps forward and chooses the lid from a barrel. Again he's led away and has it tied to his back. 10 whips in the barrel lid smashes and he receives 10 whips to his back. He returns to the Scotsman and wipes the tears from his eyes, begging his friend to choose better.

The Scotsman steps forward to the Sultan and says “Oh mighty Sultan, as today is a day of honesty I have to tell the truth. I drank the most out of all of my friends and it was my idea to drink in this country. It is I who should receive the most whips.”

The Sultan smiles and says “My friend this is truly a moment of heroic proportions from you. I will however have to increase your punishment to 100 lashes from the whip. I will still let you choose something to be tied to your back however”

“Thank you Sultan, I choose the Englishman”

via reddit.

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A story with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories… There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’

via A story with a moral « Bits & Pieces.

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preganent blonde

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy.

He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the fuck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”

He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!” He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!”

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faces women find attractive

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

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Stranded

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. ” ‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

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Stud Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new Stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new Rooster struts over to the old rooster and Says,’OK old fart; Time for you to Retire

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot
handle ALL of these Chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens Over in the corner?’

The young rooster Says, ‘Beat it: You are washed Up And I am taking Over.’

The old Rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young Stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken Coop.’

The young rooster Laughs. ‘You know you don’t Stand a chance, old man. So, just to be Fair, I will give you a head Start.’

The old rooster takes Off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the Farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet Behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is Squawking and running as hard as He can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun And – BOOM – He blows the Young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and Says, Dammit…Third gay rooster I bought
this Month.’

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My husbands home!

“You know,” a guy told his buddies, “I’m a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work.”
“What did she do?” someone asked.” She was so happy to have me home,” he said, “that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she’d shout, ‘My husbands home! My husband’s home!'”

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma'am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

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