A guy walks into a bar and says “What kind of scotch have you got?”
The bartender says “I have the finest scotch in the world!, but it’s very expensive, it costs about 300 dollars a glass, but you have to do some other things first before you are allowed to have it”
The guy says, “What do I have to do?”
The bartender replies, “well, In addition to the 300 dollars, there is a woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm her entire life, AND, there is a native silverback gorrilla out back that has a very serious back problem, If you can give the woman an orgasm, AND cure the gorilla of its back problem, you can have the scotch”
The guy says “You’ve got a deal!” And with that, he places 300 dollars on the table and triuphantly strides out back. He is out there for almost an hour, people can hear grunting, and the sounds of the intense physical strain of the man trying to cure the gorilla. After a very long time of wrestling with it, the man comes back into the bar, his shirt ripped to shreds and covered in bruises
“Alright!” he says, “Now where’s that woman with the back problem?”
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?
Wanna buy some candy?
A man was at a bar one night and saw a beautiful redhead sitting in the booth opposite him. After about 5 minutes, he got up the guts to go talk to her. Just as he sat down, she sneezed and her glass eye flew out from her socket.
On reflex, the guy shot out his arm and caught her eye and gave it back to her. They started talking and the redhead invited the man to go to a movie with her, then go back to her place for a nightcap. In the morning, she cooked him a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and the man said, “Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you?”
The redhead replied, “No, you just happened to catch my eye!”
A man feels lonely one night, so he calls an escort service. When the girl arrives, she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. He asks her for a blowjob. She smiles. “All right baby, I give the best blowjobs in the country. There’s just one thing: I can only do it in the dark.” The man gets pretty excited. He sits down on his armchair and turns off the lamp next to him, plunging the room into darkness. He hears some fumbling, and pretty soon shes going at it. She’s right; it’s the best blowjob in the country.
The next day he calls her again and asks her to come over. He sits back in his armchair and turns off the lamp. It’s better than the first time. He can’t believe how good it is. He wonders how the hell she’s doing it. So the next day he calls her again, determined to find out her technique. When she’s blowing him for the third time in darkness, he reaches his hand out to turn on his lamp, but knocks a small round object off the table. He turns on the lamp to find a glass eye on the floor.
A woman is cooking a pot of soup for her family when she accidentally bumps into a shelf next to the stove, spilling a large container of BB’s into the soup. Rather than take the time to fish them out, she serves the soup to her family.
Later that night, her husband comes over and says “Honey, guess what? I just pissed BB’s!”
A short time later her daughter comes over and says “Mom, guess what? I just pissed BB’s!”
A short time after that her son comes over and says “Mom, guess what?”
“Let me guess. You pissed BB’s” the mother says.
“No,” the son says, “I was jacking off and I shot the cat.”
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
2, one to change the lightbulb and 1 to hold the cock…I mean father….I mean ladder.
Why don’t you ever see black people on a cruise?
Because they fell for that trick once before.
As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, “Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”But another voice kept reminding him, “Howard, you are a fuck’n veterinarian.”
There’s a man who has been mandated by his pickle factory to go see a psychiatrist. Every week it’s the same story: the man wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer, and the shrink has to talk him out of it.
Finally, the man can’t take it anymore. “Doc, I gotta do it. I gotta stick my dick in the slicer. I can’t even explain why, but I have to.” The shrink says, “No; you’ll lose your dick, they’ll have to replace the machinery, it’ll just be awful.” But it’s to no avail.
The next week the man comes into the office with a huge grin on his face. “I did it, I finally did it. I had fucked the pickle slicer.” “How was it? How do you feel?” “Great.” “Did you get fired?” “Yeah.” “What did they do with the pickle slicer?” “Oh, they fired her too.”
One of the few things I remember my grandpa telling me before he died :'( (I was 5 or 6)
A Grade 5 Class is being asked 3 syllable words. Each kid is asked to stand up and say a word. 1st Kid – Banana, 2nd kid telephone…. etc
Comes to Little Billy and he just doesn’t get it…. Teachers says:
Your homework tonight is to learn a 3 syllable word and tell us before we start class tomorrow.
Next Day the Teacher asks Billy:
Billy stands up and says: “Contagious”
Teacher is floored….. “Where did you learn that word?”
Billy: Last night during the snow storm, my mom was outside shoveling…. My Dad looked out the window and said:
“It is gonna take that Contagious!”
So a murderer, masochist, sadist, necrophiliac and pyromaniac are siting together and the sadist says: “Hey let’s get a cat and torture it!”, and the murderer says: “Ok, let’s torture a cat and then kill it!”, so the pyromaniac says:”Great, let’s torture a cat, then kill it, and then burn it!” and then the necrophiliac says:”Yeah ok, but let’s torture the cat, then kill it, then burn it, and then fuck it!”, to which the masochist replies:”Meow”
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…..He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A man is in Las Vegas and losing his ass. He cannot win anything, and before he knows it, he has absolutely no money left. The only thing he does have is his plane ticket home, but he has no way to the airport.
He walks out of the casino and sees a solitary cab with the cabby leaning against it. He walks over and asks the driver if there’s any way he could just take him to the airport. He swears that he will wire the cabby the money the moment he gets home, but the cabby is a total dick.
“You know how many fucking losers I deal with everyday that give me that bullshit story? Fuck you ya piece of shit. Get away from me before I call the cops”, the shithead cabby says.
Well, the guy walks half way to the airport, finally thumbs a ride, and gets home.
He has an outstanding year in business and makes a killing in the market.
Almost a year to the day, he goes back to the same casino where he previously lost his ass, but this time he kills. He cannot lose. Blackjack, slots, you name it, and he's kickin’ it’s ass.
When it’s finally time to go, he walks out of the casino and sees a line of about 5 cabs. As he looks down the row, he sees that same asshole that gave him such a hard time the previous year, leaning against his cab at the end of the cab line.
He goes up to the nearest cabby and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabby says $10.
The guy says, “OK. How about I give you an extra $2 and you suck my cock?”
The cabby nearly hits him, and tells him to get the hell out of there before he calls the cops.
So the guy goes to the next cab and the next cab, and so on, asking the same thing, “How much for a ride to the airport…how about I give you an extra $2 to suck my dick?”, and each time he gets told to go away.
Finally, the guy comes to the shithead cab driver from last year, and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”, to which the cabby says $10.
So without another word, the guy hops in the cab.
As the cab is pulling past the other cab drivers, the guy holds up 2 $1 bills against the side window, smiles and gives the other cab drivers the thumbs up.
What’s the best things about being married to a Panda?
No-one notices the black eyes.
And you get to fuck a Panda.
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied: ‘Bud, you’re holding it upside down!’