Tiki Humor

So a murderer, masochist, sadist, necrophiliac and pyromaniac are siting together and the sadist says: “Hey let’s get a cat and torture it!”, and the murderer says: “Ok, let’s torture a cat and then kill it!”, so the pyromaniac says:”Great, let’s torture a cat, then kill it, and then burn it!” and then the necrophiliac says:”Yeah ok, but let’s torture the cat, then kill it, then burn it, and then fuck it!”, to which the masochist replies:”Meow”

via AskReddit.

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…..He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

via What are your best dirty jokes? GO! : AskReddit.

A man is in Las Vegas and losing his ass. He cannot win anything, and before he knows it, he has absolutely no money left. The only thing he does have is his plane ticket home, but he has no way to the airport.

He walks out of the casino and sees a solitary cab with the cabby leaning against it. He walks over and asks the driver if there’s any way he could just take him to the airport. He swears that he will wire the cabby the money the moment he gets home, but the cabby is a total dick.

“You know how many fucking losers I deal with everyday that give me that bullshit story? Fuck you ya piece of shit. Get away from me before I call the cops”, the shithead cabby says.

Well, the guy walks half way to the airport, finally thumbs a ride, and gets home.

He has an outstanding year in business and makes a killing in the market.

Almost a year to the day, he goes back to the same casino where he previously lost his ass, but this time he kills. He cannot lose. Blackjack, slots, you name it, and he's kickin’ it’s ass.

When it’s finally time to go, he walks out of the casino and sees a line of about 5 cabs. As he looks down the row, he sees that same asshole that gave him such a hard time the previous year, leaning against his cab at the end of the cab line.

He goes up to the nearest cabby and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabby says $10.

The guy says, “OK. How about I give you an extra $2 and you suck my cock?”

The cabby nearly hits him, and tells him to get the hell out of there before he calls the cops.

So the guy goes to the next cab and the next cab, and so on, asking the same thing, “How much for a ride to the airport…how about I give you an extra $2 to suck my dick?”, and each time he gets told to go away.

Finally, the guy comes to the shithead cab driver from last year, and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”, to which the cabby says $10.

So without another word, the guy hops in the cab.

As the cab is pulling past the other cab drivers, the guy holds up 2 $1 bills against the side window, smiles and gives the other cab drivers the thumbs up.

via AskReddit.

What’s the best things about being married to a Panda?

No-one notices the black eyes.

And you get to fuck a Panda.

via AskReddit.

Secret Code

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: ‘Bud, you’re holding it upside down!’

An American visits Edinburgh. Of course he soon finds himself in a pub talking to a Scotsman.

The American is very complimentary about Scotland, giving more and more reasons why he loves the country and the Scottish people. As the drinks flow, the reasons for admiration become more and more outrageous. Eventually he says one of the reasons why he loves Scotland is because the men are brave enough to shag sheep.

The Scotsman replies “No that’s Wales”.

“My god!” answers the American “Do you stick it in the blow hole?”

via A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says… : funny.

Two Welshmen, two Scots, and two Englishmen are stranded on a desert island. When they’re finally rescued ten years later, the Scots have built a distillery but are still arguing over whose round it is, the Welshmen have formed a close harmony choir, and the Englishmen are still waiting to be formally introduced.

via reddit

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught drunk out of their skulls in Saudi Arabia and are dragged before the Sultan. Angrily the Sultan tells them

“Although the penalty is usually death for such a heinous act, today is a day of the celeration of honesty so I will spare your lives. Instead I will give you 20 lashes from our most horrible whip. Yet I still feel sympathy for you on this holy day so I will give you each one item to strap to your back.”

The Irishman thinks about it and chooses a pillow. They lead him to the post, tie a pillow to his back and start whipping away. After 5 whips the pillow bursts and the Irishman takes 15 whips on his back. He returns to the men crying his eyes out and begging them to choose wisely.

The Englishman steps forward and chooses the lid from a barrel. Again he's led away and has it tied to his back. 10 whips in the barrel lid smashes and he receives 10 whips to his back. He returns to the Scotsman and wipes the tears from his eyes, begging his friend to choose better.

The Scotsman steps forward to the Sultan and says “Oh mighty Sultan, as today is a day of honesty I have to tell the truth. I drank the most out of all of my friends and it was my idea to drink in this country. It is I who should receive the most whips.”

The Sultan smiles and says “My friend this is truly a moment of heroic proportions from you. I will however have to increase your punishment to 100 lashes from the whip. I will still let you choose something to be tied to your back however”

“Thank you Sultan, I choose the Englishman”

via reddit.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories… There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’

via A story with a moral « Bits & Pieces.

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the fuck, and started jumping up and down with her. She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!” She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!” Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!” He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!” Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!”

via Fri April 9 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.