Tiki Humor

“An Arabic newspaper? Moshe, have you lost your mind?” he says.

“Well, I used to read the Jewish papers, but what did I find?” Moshe replies. “Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to an Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”

via reddit

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

via Bits and Pieces

6:30 AM: Obama awakened by clock radio tuned to NPR’s popular morning drive-time show, Kronsky the Bomb Thrower and His Anarcho-Syndicalist Zoo. “You know what would be fun?” Kronsky quips. “Getting the workers to seize the means of production and execute the blood-sucking capitalist bosses!”

“If only,” mutters Obama.

7:30 AM: on way to Oval Office, Obama ducks into private chapel, slipping off shoes and prostrating self while facing Mecca. He chants high-pitched, ululating prayer to Allah in foreign tongue then before leaving, bows before busts of Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Hitler and Saul Alinsky.

7:40 AM: Rahm Emanuel enters Oval Office, gives Obama secret Illuminati handshake, says, “Good morning, Comrade President. The Iranian ambassador is here to discuss his scheme to undermine America’s security.” Obama says, “Show him right in.”

9:05 AM: Snack of sweetened camel milk served with dates, figs, pita and hummus. Then Iranian ambassador exits White House through secret tunnel so Fox News won’t see him.

9:30 AM: House Speaker Pelosi arrives to plot strategy for government takeover of lucrative garbage-collection industry. Obama gives her large suitcase full of cash for bribing Congressmen.

10 AM: Editors of New York Times, Washington Post, New Yorker arrive to receive weekly instructions.

11 AM: Daily intelligence briefing by CIA and Pentagon officials on activities of America’s enemies. Bored, Obama does crossword puzzle, then dozes off.

Noon: Lunch with leaders of world gay conspiracy, who lobby Obama to appoint a transsexual to Supreme Court.

2 PM: Quiet ceremony in Rose Garden, where elders of Kikuyu tribe give Obama plaque honoring him as first Kenyan to become President of U.S.

3 PM: Latte with key advisers Al Gore, Michael Moore, Rev. Wright, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Al Sharpton, Bill Ayers.

4 PM: Basketball with White House staffers. Obama’s side allowed to win, as usual.

7 PM: Dinner with family, leaders of Acorn.

9 PM: Obama reads a chapter from Das Kapital for Kids to Sasha, Malia.

10 PM: In private quarters, Obama, Michelle are so moved watching PBS documentary on suffering of poor widows and children
of al Qaeda suicide bombers, they decide to make contribution.

11 PM: Bong hits, anal sex, then sleep.

2:25 AM: Succubus enters bedroom, mounts sleeping President and has her way with him while whispering demonic instructions
for next day.

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says “that’ll be 5 cents please.” “5 cents?,” the man asks, incredulously, “well, for that price, I think I’ll have a nice T-bone steak and a glass of red wine.”

“No problem,” the bartender says, “that’ll be 10 cents please.” “10 cents?” the man asks, “what’s going on here, where’s the owner of this place?”

“He’s upstairs with my wife,” the bartender says. “Well what the hells he doing up there?” the man asks.

“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here!”

Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.

The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for
wear and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.

“When I walked through the front door” the first girl starts “I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins”.

The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.

Then the second girl claimed she could top that. “When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I’m lucky to be here.”

The other two were shocked.

Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,“well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen.”

There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said :

“I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog”

Why was the dyslexic kicked out of the bar?

He was spitting in the TIPS jar.

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?”

via At the bar… « Bits and Pieces.

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, “The usual today, Renee?” Descartes looks and him and responds, “I think not,” and POOF! He ceases to exist.

A guy is sitting alone in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender is at the other end of the bar cleaning a glass. The guy suddenly hears a little whisper of a voice that says, “Nice hat.”

He looks around but he’s the only one nearby. He thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking. A few minutes later he hears this same voice, “Nice shirt.”

Now he’s getting a little paranoid because there’s still no one else in the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders another drink. Several minutes later he hears the voice, “Nice tie.”

He just about loses it. He calls the bartender over and says, “man, am I going crazy? I keep hearing voices!” The bartender asks, “What are they saying?” “Nice hat, nice shirt, nice tie.” The bartender says, “ah, it’s the peanuts; they’re complimentary.”

A woman walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says to her, “Damn, you are totally gonna get laid tonight.” The lady responds, “Wow, thanks. Is it because of something I’m wearing?” The bartenders says, “No, it’s because I’m stronger than you.”

A byte walk into a bar and orders a stiff drink. The bartender asks, “Whats the matter?”

“Parity Error.” Replies the byte.

Then the bartender says, “Yeah, you looked a bit off”.

Why is American beer like having sex on a boat?

Both are fucking close to water.

An American on vacation in Ireland walks into the pub. He says, “Alright, I hear you Irish can drink. I’ve got five hundred dollars here that says no one can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row.”
The bar falls silent. The band stops. Everyone just stares. One guy even gets up and leaves.
The American says, “oh well” and takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, the guy returns and asks, “Hey mister, is that money still on the table?”
“Well sure it is” he replies.

The bartender pours out ten pints, and the man proceeds to drink them one after the other.

When he’s done, the American says, “Well, I’m a man of my word, so here’s your money. But I gotta ask, where did you go?”

He says: “I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!”

A man walks into a bar, he has two of the most beautiful women the bartender has ever seen with him and a small man standing on his shoulder. He walks over to the bartender and says, “a round for everyone.”

The bartender says, “look buddy, I’ll set them up, but you gotta pay for them first.”

The man says, “no problem,” as he pulls a massive wad of cash from his pocket.

The bartender pours a drink for everyone in the bar, but as he finishes pouring the last one, the little man jumps off of the guys shoulder, and runs along the bar knocking all of the drinks over and giggling.

The man, unsurprised, says, “don’t worry about it, pour them again, I’ll pay for another.”

The bartender sets up another round and the little man jumps off of the man’s shoulder and runs down the bar, laughing, knocking all of the drinks over.

The man sighs and says, “just set up another one, I’ll pay.”

The bartender looks at him and says, “buddy, I’ll keep setting them up all night, but you’ve got to tell me what the fuck is going on here.”

The man looks at him sadly and says, “well you see sir, I found this magic lamp and I rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie said I had three wishes, so first, I asked for all of the money in the world. So now, whenever I reach into my pocket there’s a massive wad of cash. For my second wish, I wished that I’d have beautiful women with me wherever I go and so now, wherever I am, two beautiful women follow me there. And for my third wish, I wished for a 12 inch prick” sighing as he points to the little man, “and here he is.”

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”? The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?” “No”, he replies “I just can’t believe anyone would fuck you twice”

via Fri May 7 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.