Tiki Humor

A Jewish man spots his Jewish friend reading an Arabic newspaper

“An Arabic newspaper? Moshe, have you lost your mind?” he says.

“Well, I used to read the Jewish papers, but what did I find?” Moshe replies. “Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to an Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”

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Dad’s funeral

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

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A day in the life of Obama (as envisioned by a typical Republican)

6:30 AM: Obama awakened by clock radio tuned to NPR’s popular morning drive-time show, Kronsky the Bomb Thrower and His Anarcho-Syndicalist Zoo. “You know what would be fun?” Kronsky quips. “Getting the workers to seize the means of production and execute the blood-sucking capitalist bosses!”

“If only,” mutters Obama.

7:30 AM: on way to Oval Office, Obama ducks into private chapel, slipping off shoes and prostrating self while facing Mecca. He chants high-pitched, ululating prayer to Allah in foreign tongue then before leaving, bows before busts of Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Hitler and Saul Alinsky.

7:40 AM: Rahm Emanuel enters Oval Office, gives Obama secret Illuminati handshake, says, “Good morning, Comrade President. The Iranian ambassador is here to discuss his scheme to undermine America’s security.” Obama says, “Show him right in.”

9:05 AM: Snack of sweetened camel milk served with dates, figs, pita and hummus. Then Iranian ambassador exits White House through secret tunnel so Fox News won’t see him.

9:30 AM: House Speaker Pelosi arrives to plot strategy for government takeover of lucrative garbage-collection industry. Obama gives her large suitcase full of cash for bribing Congressmen.

10 AM: Editors of New York Times, Washington Post, New Yorker arrive to receive weekly instructions.

11 AM: Daily intelligence briefing by CIA and Pentagon officials on activities of America’s enemies. Bored, Obama does crossword puzzle, then dozes off.

Noon: Lunch with leaders of world gay conspiracy, who lobby Obama to appoint a transsexual to Supreme Court.

2 PM: Quiet ceremony in Rose Garden, where elders of Kikuyu tribe give Obama plaque honoring him as first Kenyan to become President of U.S.

3 PM: Latte with key advisers Al Gore, Michael Moore, Rev. Wright, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Al Sharpton, Bill Ayers.

4 PM: Basketball with White House staffers. Obama’s side allowed to win, as usual.

7 PM: Dinner with family, leaders of Acorn.

9 PM: Obama reads a chapter from Das Kapital for Kids to Sasha, Malia.

10 PM: In private quarters, Obama, Michelle are so moved watching PBS documentary on suffering of poor widows and children
of al Qaeda suicide bombers, they decide to make contribution.

11 PM: Bong hits, anal sex, then sleep.

2:25 AM: Succubus enters bedroom, mounts sleeping President and has her way with him while whispering demonic instructions
for next day.

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Boss’s Actions Require Response

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says “that’ll be 5 cents please.” “5 cents?,” the man asks, incredulously, “well, for that price, I think I’ll have a nice T-bone steak and a glass of red wine.”

“No problem,” the bartender says, “that’ll be 10 cents please.” “10 cents?” the man asks, “what’s going on here, where’s the owner of this place?”

“He’s upstairs with my wife,” the bartender says. “Well what the hells he doing up there?” the man asks.

“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here!”

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blowing chunks for 15 minutes

Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.

The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for
wear and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.

“When I walked through the front door” the first girl starts “I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins”.

The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.

Then the second girl claimed she could top that. “When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I’m lucky to be here.”

The other two were shocked.

Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,“well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen.”

There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said :

“I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog”

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Why was the dyslexic kicked out of the bar?

Why was the dyslexic kicked out of the bar?

He was spitting in the TIPS jar.

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At the bar…

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?”

via At the bar… « Bits and Pieces.

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Renee Descartes walks into a bar

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, “The usual today, Renee?”

Descartes looks and him and responds, “I think not,” and POOF! He ceases to exist.

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They Say Nice Things

A guy is sitting alone in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender is at the other end of the bar cleaning a glass. The guy suddenly hears a little whisper of a voice that says, “Nice hat.”

He looks around but he’s the only one nearby. He thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking. A few minutes later he hears this same voice, “Nice shirt.”

Now he’s getting a little paranoid because there’s still no one else in the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders another drink. Several minutes later he hears the voice, “Nice tie.”

He just about loses it. He calls the bartender over and says, “man, am I going crazy? I keep hearing voices!” The bartender asks, “What are they saying?” “Nice hat, nice shirt, nice tie.” The bartender says, “ah, it’s the peanuts; they’re complimentary.”

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You gonna get laid

A woman walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says to her, “Damn, you are totally gonna get laid tonight.”

The lady responds, “Wow, thanks. Is it because of something I’m wearing?”

The bartenders says, “No, it’s because I’m stronger than you.”

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Parity Error

A byte walk into a bar and orders a stiff drink. The bartender asks, “Whats the matter?”

“Parity Error.” Replies the byte.

Then the bartender says, “Yeah, you looked a bit off”.

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Why is American beer like having sex on a boat?

Both are fucking close to water.

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The Irish Can Drink

An American on vacation in Ireland walks into the pub. He says, “Alright, I hear you Irish can drink. I’ve got five hundred dollars here that says no one can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row.”
The bar falls silent. The band stops. Everyone just stares. One guy even gets up and leaves.
The American says, “oh well” and takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, the guy returns and asks, “Hey mister, is that money still on the table?”
“Well sure it is” he replies.

The bartender pours out ten pints, and the man proceeds to drink them one after the other.

When he’s done, the American says, “Well, I’m a man of my word, so here’s your money. But I gotta ask, where did you go?”

He says: “I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!”

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Three Wishes

A man walks into a bar, he has two of the most beautiful women the bartender has ever seen with him and a small man standing on his shoulder. He walks over to the bartender and says, “a round for everyone.”

The bartender says, “look buddy, I’ll set them up, but you gotta pay for them first.”

The man says, “no problem,” as he pulls a massive wad of cash from his pocket.

The bartender pours a drink for everyone in the bar, but as he finishes pouring the last one, the little man jumps off of the guys shoulder, and runs along the bar knocking all of the drinks over and giggling.

The man, unsurprised, says, “don’t worry about it, pour them again, I’ll pay for another.”

The bartender sets up another round and the little man jumps off of the man’s shoulder and runs down the bar, laughing, knocking all of the drinks over.

The man sighs and says, “just set up another one, I’ll pay.”

The bartender looks at him and says, “buddy, I’ll keep setting them up all night, but you’ve got to tell me what the fuck is going on here.”

The man looks at him sadly and says, “well you see sir, I found this magic lamp and I rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie said I had three wishes, so first, I asked for all of the money in the world. So now, whenever I reach into my pocket there’s a massive wad of cash. For my second wish, I wished that I’d have beautiful women with me wherever I go and so now, wherever I am, two beautiful women follow me there. And for my third wish, I wished for a 12 inch prick” sighing as he points to the little man, “and here he is.”

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Ugly Bitch of a Mother

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”? The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?” “No”, he replies “I just can’t believe anyone would fuck you twice”

via Fri May 7 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

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An X Walks Into A Bar…

A sandwich walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food”.

A Times New Roman walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your type”.

A man with a pick axe and shovel walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve miners”.

A man walks into a bar with a goat. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve kids.”

A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve room-temperature superconductors.” So the room-temperature superconductor left with no resistance.

NASCAR walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve your race here.”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t.

An unending sequence of numbers walks into a bar. One of them exclaims “c is 1 today! Drinks to celebrate”. The bartender serves an infinite number of drinks and says, “Okay, you guys are set”.

The bartender asks “What would you like?”
A tachyon walks into a bar.

A mushroom walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your kind.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy!”

Robot walks into a bar. Orders a drink, lays down a bill. Bartender says, “Hey we don’t serve robots.” And the robot says, “No, but someday you will.”

A gold atom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells.
“Aye, You! Get out of here!”

A Helium atom walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve Helium here.”
But the Helium doesn’t react.

Two neutrinos go through a bar…

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender angrily says “We don’t serve strings here!”

String: “But all I want is a drink!”

Bartender: “I said no strings!”

Dejectedly, the string goes outside. Thinking for a moment, the string then ruffles up his hair and around his feet. He then convulses and wraps himself around all crazy like. He then walks back into the bar.

The bartender is aghast. “Aren’t you the same string I just kicked out of here?”

“No, sir. I’m a frayed knot.”

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MacGregor The…

An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man; “Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretchin’ out ‘cross the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo.”

“Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretchin’ across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Noooo.”

“Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Noooo.”

Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers….

“But ya fuck one goat…”

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Six Foot Penquin

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. “Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?” he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. “Well shit!” says the guy, “I think I just ran over a nun.”

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desperate lieutenant

The new lieutenant arrived at the Foreign Legion camp in the desert and after settling in inspected his men and whatever. But after a few weeks in the desert the lieutenant was getting a little desperate for companionship and asked the sarge, “What do we do way out here when we… uh… you know… when we need to get a little relief?” The sarge looked at him and said “Oh.. relief… sure… well, we have this camel tied out back of the big tent and …” and the lieutenant interrupted “Say no more, Sarge… I know what to do” and proceeded to go out back behind the tent and have his way with the camel tied there.

After a few minutes a crowd began to form and the lieutenant looked up and asked the men what they were staring at. “Isn’t this how it’s done?” he asked. The sarge looked at him and said “Well, no… usually the men just ride the camel into town where the women are”.

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A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for

A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.

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Telling a blonde joke to blondes

A blind man walks into a bar and orders a pint. While the bartender is pouring it he says, “Want to hear a joke?” and she says, “OK.”

He starts: “So there’s this blonde…”

“Okay, hold on” says the bartender. “I can see you’re blind so I’m gonna do you a favour here. Just so you know, I’m a blonde. The manager is a blonde. The bouncer is a blonde, and there’s a good friend of mine by the window there, she’s a black belt in karate, she’s a blonde too. There’s a couple of biker chicks at a table nearby, both blondes.

“So, you just have a think about that and ask yourself: do you really want to tell that joke?”

She gives him his drink. “Well, uh, I guess not,” he says. “I don’t wanna have to explain it six times.”

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All Puns Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”
“Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)… a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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What’s the difference between a priest and pimple?

Q: What’s the difference between a priest and pimple?
A: Pimples don’t come on your face till you’re 13.

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