An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received this letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Q: What do you call 8 hobbits?
A: A hobbyte.
A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lottery?”She says, “I’d take half, then leave you.”“Excellent,” he replies,“I won $10 , here’s$£5 – now Fuck off!”
via Naughty Bits
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and, when I finish it works just like new.”
“So how is it I make only $39,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1.6 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
via Bits and Pieces.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”
“Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
via Bits and Pieces.
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and luckily I had my cellphone and called the wife. She told me to just wipe with a dollar, which luckily I had in my pants pocket. When she walked in the door I had shit all over me. She asked me what the hell happened, and I replied “You try and do better with 3 quarters, two dimes and a nickel.”
A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, invincible . . . No wait . . .
I’m thinking of alcohol.
Get this.” said one drinker to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”
“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”
via Lefturn’s Funny Shit.