She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. “Now take off my socks.”
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
A man dies and goes to hell. He is sitting around on a piece of brimstone depressed. The devil walks by and asks him what is wrong.
The man says, “What do you mean what is wrong? I’m dead! I’m in hell! I’m depressed, ok?”
The devil says, “Look we get a lot of bad press down here, things aren’t as bad as they appear. Let me ask you, do you like to eat?”
The man says, “Sure, everyone likes to eat.”
The devil says, “You are going to love Monday’s! Best gourmet food, fast food, anything you want! Eat as much as you want! What’s going to happen? Heart attack? You’re dead already.”
The man says, “Well, that’s not so bad.”
Then the devil asks him, “Do you like to drink? The mans replies, “well, sure.”
The devil says, “You’re going to love Tuesday! Best wine, scotch whiskey, bourbon, anything you want! Drink until you pass out, sober up and drink again. What’s going to happen? Psoriasis of the liver? Your dead, you’re here man!”
Then the devil asks the man, “Do you like to gamble?” the man says, “Well yea, sometimes. “
The devil says, “Wednesdays! You are really going to enjoy Wednesdays! Blackjack, poker, slot machines, anything you want! Bet a million on the horses; lose a million, who cares! You ain’t going bankrupt, you dead! You’re in hell!”
The man is getting pretty excited by now and says, “Man, this is sounding pretty good!”
The devil than ask, “Do you like to do drugs?” The man looks a bit sheepish and says, “Well, sometimes”. The devil says, “Man, Thursdays are your days! Snort cocaine, shoot up heroine, and smoke a joint the size of a submarine, whatever you want! What’s going to happen? You going to overdose and die? You are here already!”
The man is jumping up and down with excitement; “this is like Las Vegas on steroids!” he says!
The devil said, “Yep, told you, we get a lot of bad press down here”.
The devil then asks, “Um, are you gay?”
The man says, “Well, no, I’m not”.
The devil says, “Oh man, you may hate Fridays”.
Two whales are swimming about the ocean, suddenly one of them spots a Japanese whaling ship.
“There are those bastards that killed my mother” The whale says. “let’s get them!”
“How are we going to do that?” says the other whale.
“Easy, we both swim underneath them, position our blow holes beneath their stern, take a deep breath and our water spouts will capsize them”.
So off go both the whales to enact their plan, and a few minutes later the ship has capsized and all the sailors are floating about in the ocean.
“That was great!”, says the first whale really excited, “let’s go over there and eat the sailors!”
“absolutely not!” says the second whale, “I don’t mind giving them a blow job but I’m definitely not swallowing the seamen”
A guy at a restaurant calls his waiter over.
“Try my soup.”
The waiter is confused.
“Is your soup too hot?”
“Try my soup.”
“Is your soup too cold?”
“Try my soup.”
“Is there a fly in your soup?”
“Just try my soup!”
The waiter, tired of the guessing game, gives in.
“Okay fine, I’ll try your soup!”
The waiter tries the soup. It’s warm instead of hot, and a bit too sour, but seems fine. Halfway through, he finds a roach in the bowl, and throws up.
“Oh god, there’s a roach in your soup!”
“I know, it made me puke too.”
After dropping the toothpaste, I couldn’t help but feel a little crestfallen.
They look for a vessel in distress, and when they finally find one, the father says to the son, “I’m going to teach you how to catch your first human. First, you raise your dorsal fin slightly out of the water. Second, you raise all of your fins out of the water, and start circling around them. Finally, you go in and eat them.”
The father and son swim over to the vessel, and the son executes the meal with ease. The father is impressed with his son, and commends him on his excellent performance. But the son is troubled and asks, “Why do we raise our fins out of the water and circle around them? Wouldn’t it just be easier to go in and eat them?”
The father replies, “They taste better without shit in them.”
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story.
He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said,
“I’m that man. I was in Vegas in 1992. I was the one who gave you the dime.”
“You’re not the one I’m looking for. I’m looking for the guy who left the stall door open!”
via Bits and Pieces.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?’, asked the teacher.
”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
“Don’t screw with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
via Bits and Pieces.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
via Bits and Pieces.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”
To the Scotsman he says, “You’re in charge of shoveling.”
And to the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”
He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.”
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?”
The Italian replies, “I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”
The Scotsman replies, “Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th’ Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin’ him neither.”
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, “SUPPLIES!!!!”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
via Naughty Bits.
Two nuns are driving down a country road in England in the middle of the night. Out of nowhere, a vampire jumps out into the middle of the road.
The vampire bares its fangs at the petrified nuns, who are now stopped just feet from the hissing vampire.
One nun says to the other, 'Quick, show him your cross', and the other nun leans out the window and yells, “GET OUT OF THE ROAD, YOU TOOTHY GIT ”
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, ’cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
8) Man – “Fat Penguin!”
Woman – “WHAT?”
Man – “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
and…. the best for last!
13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
via Bits and Pieces.
“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
“the linguist was the Oxford professor J.L. Austin, and the zinger was delivered by a fellow professor, Sidney Morgenbesser of Columbia.”
Computer: Monitor, display this document, ok?
Monitor: No prob, boss.
Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?
Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.
Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?
Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.
Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?
Mouse: Of course.
Keyboard: Sir, he’s pressed control and P simultaneously.
Monitor: Oh God, here we go.
Computer: *sighs* Printer, are you there?
Computer: Please, Printer. I know you’re there.
Printer: NO! I’m not here! Leave me alone!
Computer: Jesus. OK look, you really ne…
Mouse: Sir, he’s clicked on the printer icon.
Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.
Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don’t want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I’m turning off!
Computer: Printer, you know you can’t turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we’ll leave you alone.
Printer: NO! That’s what you always say! I hate you! I’m out of ink!
Computer: You’re not out of in…
Printer: I’M OUT OF INK!
Computer: *Sighs* Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.
Monitor: But sir, he has plen…
Computer: Just do it, damn it!
Monitor: Yes sir.
Keyboard: AHHH! He’s hitting me!
Computer: Stay calm, he’ll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.
Keyboard: He’s pressing everything. Oh god, I don’t know, he’s just pressing everything!
Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you’ve done?!
Printer: HA! that’s what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he…hey…HEY! He’s trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He’s torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!
Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?
Computer: No. He did this to himself.
via Bits and Pieces.