An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over… ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it..’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man..
‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’
via Bits and Pieces.
A husband and wife are watching a TV show about psychology and the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband says to the wife, Honey, thats a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time. She said:
Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis
It’s business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life.
“Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?”
So the man told his story.
“A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
“For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
“For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
“For my third wish — and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up — I asked for an orange for a head.”
One day as a director of a funeral home is finishing up some paperwork the mortician runs into his office.
“You got to come quick!” the mortician says, flailing his arms in the air.
With haste the director leaps out from his chair and frantically follows the mortician to the room where the bodies are prepared.
“There,” the mortician says, pointing at the body of a woman, “in her vagina. There seems to be a jumbo shrimp. Isn’t that peculiar?”
The director puts his glasses on and takes a closer look. Upon inspection the director replies, “That’s no jumbo shrimp. That’s her clitoris.”
Baffled and embarrassed by such an error the mortician replies, “Sure tasted like jumbo shrimp.”
My favorite sexual position is the JFK.
I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
A husband and wife get in a car accident. Husband’s okay other than some scrapes and bruises, but wife falls into a coma. For weeks the husband sits by her side in the hospital. One night, though he feels bad about it, he starts getting horny. He reaches over, slides his hand under her gown, runs his hand slowly up her thigh, but pulls it back suddenly when he notices the beeping heart monitor pick up pace.
The next day he takes the doctor aside and tells him. “Interesting,” the doctor says, “She’s responding. Maybe try more tonight? Maybe oral sex?” The husband still thinks it’s a little wrong, but agrees to try it.
That night, a Code Blue rings out in the halls. Nurses rush in to revive the flatlining wife. The husband stands outside, stunned, when the doctor pulls him aside and asks “What happened? Did you try the oral sex?”
“Yes,” says the husband, blankly.
“Well, what happened?” the doctor asks.
The husband answers, “Well, she just started choking.”
Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one…”What was that?”, the other two ask, curiously.”Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby”, she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting…5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..”What was that?”, the other two enquire.”Vitamin tablet”, she replies, “Good for mommy, good for little baby” and she pats her stomach affectionately.
All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting…5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..”What was that?” ask the other two.”Thalidomide. I can’t knit sleeves…”
You can’t say happiness without penis.
via Naughty Bits.
“Nine eleven who?”
“YOU SAID YOU’D NEVER FORGET!”
A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:
Devil: Hey, whatcha lookin so down for?
Man: If you died and went to Hell, you’d be feeling down too!
Devil: Hell ain’t what you think it is. It’s fun down here. Say, do you drink?
Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?
Devil: Well, you”re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you wanna drink. We drink til we puke and then we drink some more.
Man: Ah, that sounds great.
Devil: Do you smoke?
Man: Damn right I do.
Devil: Cool! You”re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don”t have to worry about getting cancer because you”re already dead anyways, haha.
Man: No shit!
Devil: You like gambling?
Man: Hell yeah!
Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, hold-em, a dog track, horse racing, you name it we got it and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.
Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.
Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?
Man: I love getting stoned! You mean…
Devil: That”s right man, because on Thursdays, it’s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don”t have to worry about overdosing because you”re already dead anyhow.
Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!
Devil: Are you gay?
Man: Uh, no.
Devil: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.” The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?” “1955, ma’am.” “Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.” The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”