There were three men, all sleeping in the same bed in a small hotel room because on of them messed up their reservation. They all dreamt that night.
The man on the right side of the bed dreamt that he was getting a hand job from the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.
The man on the left side of the bed dreamt almost the same thing, only with two girls.
The next morning, they all told each other their dream. The man on the right side of the bed said, “man, i had an awesome dream last night! I dreamt that the hottest girl i ever saw was giving me a hand job!” The man on the left side of the bed, after hearing this, exclaimed “Wow! Me too! Only they were two of the most beautiful girls i have ever seen!
After this, the man who slept in the middle of the bed said “Wow, awesome dreams, but mine beats them all. I dreamt that i was skiing!”
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you! Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several steps and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
Yes”, answered the Instructor.
I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
via Bits and Pieces.
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
“What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me…”
via Naughty Bits.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Ma’am, there are $20 notes falling out of your bag.”
“Oh, really? Damn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? “You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no”, said the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time a guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes’.
“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Well, you know”, “not everybody pays”.
“Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.” –David Letterman
A rich man is driving down the highway and he see’s a man in the median eating handfuls of grass, he tell his driver to pull over and he yells to the man, “What are you doing there?”
The man says, “I am broke and hungry and this is the best I can find.”
The rich guy says, “Come with me and I can help!”
The poor man says, “But what about my wife?”
The rich guy says, “She can come too!”
The poor man says, “But my children are just up the road, what about them?”
The rich guy, reluctantly say’s, “They can come too”.
The poor man says “How about my aunt and uncle, and sisters?”
To which the rich guys replies,
“Just how big do you think my lawn is?”
via Bits and Pieces.