Tiki Humor

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz…

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, “What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?”

He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. “Miss Callahan!”  The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question.

“The professor says, “That’s all right, Miss Callahan, you don’t need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?” He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. “Mr. Hawkins!”

Hawkins says, “Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement.”

The professor says, “That is correct, Mr. Hawkins.” Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, “Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven’t studied this week’s assignment; and Two, I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.

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Dumbest kid in the world!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!“

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Expense Account

Expense Account for June 1995
—————————————-

1 June Ad for female stenographer $5.00
2 June Violets for new stenographer $7.50
6 June Week’s salary for stenographer $225.00
9 June Roses for stenographer $25.00
10 June Candy for wife $4.50
12 June Lunch for stenographer $35.00
13 June Week’s salary for stenographer $300.00
16 June Movie tickets for self and wife $6.00
18 June Theater tickets for self and stenographer $75.00
19 June Ice cream soda for wife $1.50
20 June Virginia’s salary $375.00
23 June Champagne and dinner for “Ginny” $160.00
25 June Doctor for stupid stenographer $1,500.00
25 June Fur coat for wife $6,800.00
27 June Ad for male stenographer $6.50

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, “Ya’know, when
I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it, even using both
hands.”

“By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried
really hard.”

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no
problem.

“I’m gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one
hand.”

“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?”

“Well, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

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Sportsman’s double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.She looked OK for a 61 year-old.

In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

‘What’s that?’ I asked.It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.

I went back to her place.She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’

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What’s the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

What’s the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn’t follow me around for a week.

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Why does a blonde wear panties?

Why does a blonde wear panties?

To keep her ankles warm.

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What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

your mom can’t take a joke.

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A ham sandwich walked into a bar…

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

Bartender said ‘I am sorry we don’t serve food here’

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Rodeo

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”.The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it?The first cowboy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: ‘Your sister likes this position too.’Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.”

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A cabbie picks up a nun

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes!, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

via BnP.

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monkey eats a cue ball

The man brought his monkey to the bar and the monkey got a little rambunctious. He grabbed a maraschino cherry and popped it in his mouth, Then a peanut and popped it in his mouth then a cue ball. The Bar owner yelled and made the man remove the monkey. A year later they were back to the same bar, the monkey grabbed a cherry, stuck it in his butt and ate it, then a peanut, stuck it in his butt and ate it …The bar owner yelled WHAT the hell is that monkey doing/ The owner replied that ever since the monkey ate the cue ball a few months ago …he makes sure everything fits.

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