Tiki Humor

I asked a girl out to the prom…

The day of the prom, I go to a tailor to get a new suit- there was a long line. Next, I went to a limo service to rent a limo- there was an even longer line there. Next, I went to a flower shop to get the girl a batch of roses before picking her up- there was AN EVEN LONGER LINE there.

I pick her up and we go to the prom, there is a line to the entrance that soon resides. We go to the photo shoot to get a photo together, there is a line there too. We get hungry and decide to get food, there is a line there as well. We get thirsty, there is no punchline.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles…

…but at least they drive slowly past schools.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

What’s special about a bulimic birthday party?

The cake jumps out of the girl

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , ,

What was the last pizza order to the WTC?

What was the last pizza order to the WTC?
Two large plains.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Two unemployed cancer cells are talking…

One says to the other : “Hey – let’s go get Jobs.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

What’s the worst part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

What’s the difference between Adolf Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Phelps can actually finish a race

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

A Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

My favorite joke

My favorite joke is that one about Jonestown, but I stopped telling it because the punch line was too long.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

holy water

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest.

The first nun says, “Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked.”

The priest says, “Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys.”

The next nun comes up and says, “Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner.”

The priest says, “Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys.”

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, “WAIT!”

The priest says, “What’s wrong?!”

The nun replies, “I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

I’m going to become a hooker

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”

“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

bridal

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.

“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.

“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , ,

Presidents to OZ

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.” “No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.” “Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.” “Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?” “Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

stay here for tonight

A traveling salesman’s car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the closest farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, “Sir, my car died just up the road. Could I stay here for tonight?”

The farmer says, “Sure, but I have a very handsome son and you’ll have to promise not to sleep with him.”

“Excuse me,” says the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

A mother is cleaning her teenage son’s room when she sees some magazines under his bed …

… Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror, she screams.

The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son’s bed, and asks, “What’s wrong?” And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, “What are those?”

The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.

The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, “What are we gonna do with this boy?”

Her husband replies, “Well, we’re not gonna spank him. That’s for sure.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

boobs like yours

A man approaches a very well-endowed, beautiful woman in a supermarket.

“I’ve lost my girlfriend,” he tells her. “Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?”

“Sure, but I don’t understand how that would help,” she replies.

“Well, it seems like every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

How do you turn a fox into an elephant

Marry it

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Twice Married

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, “Please be careful with me—I’m a virgin.”

The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married three times before.”

“I know,” she says. “But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I miss him.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , ,

Come running with me

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint.

The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!”

The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!”

The elephant decides to join in the fun, and the whole groups goes off running. The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up.

Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion reaches out with a huge paw and knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!”

The lion answers, “That loser makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

a couple inside a parked car

A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.

The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on.

“Listening to music,” the guy says. Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, “And what’s she doing?”

“Reading a magazine, of course.”

“How old are you?” asks the officer.

“I’m 23.”

“And how old is she?”

The guy looks at his watch and says, “Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

extra-large condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.

“Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?”

“No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

saving the secret formulas

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

“What do you guys plan to do with the money?” the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

the elephant’s trunk

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replies.

“No, Mom. Down underneath.”

His mother blushes and says, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there.”

The father says, “Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Dad,” the son asks, “how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man takes a deep breath and explains, “Well son, here’s the truth. I’ve really spoiled that woman.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

I don’t understand irony

“My friend told me I don’t understand irony, which was ironic because, at the time, we were waiting for the bus.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

SQL query walks into a bar

SQL query walks into a bar; He approaches 2 tables and asks, “May I join you?” Bartender screams over, “Not before I get your keys!”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,