The day of the prom, I go to a tailor to get a new suit- there was a long line. Next, I went to a limo service to rent a limo- there was an even longer line there. Next, I went to a flower shop to get the girl a batch of roses before picking her up- there was AN EVEN LONGER LINE there.
I pick her up and we go to the prom, there is a line to the entrance that soon resides. We go to the photo shoot to get a photo together, there is a line there too. We get hungry and decide to get food, there is a line there as well. We get thirsty, there is no punchline.
…but at least they drive slowly past schools.
What’s special about a bulimic birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl
What was the last pizza order to the WTC?
Two large plains.
One says to the other : “Hey – let’s go get Jobs.”
Q: "What’s the worst part about eating a vegetable?"
A: "Putting her back in the wheelchair."
What’s the difference between Adolf Hitler and Michael Phelps?
Phelps can actually finish a race
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”
My favorite joke is that one about Jonestown, but I stopped telling it because the punch line was too long.
A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest.
The first nun says, “Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked.”
The priest says, “Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys.”
The next nun comes up and says, “Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner.”
The priest says, “Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys.”
The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, “WAIT!”
The priest says, “What’s wrong?!”
The nun replies, “I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it.”
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”
“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”
A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”
Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.” ”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.” ”Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”
Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.” ”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.” There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?” ”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”
A traveling salesman’s car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the closest farmhouse.
When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, “Sir, my car died just up the road. Could I stay here for tonight?”
The farmer says, “Sure, but I have a very handsome son and you’ll have to promise not to sleep with him.”
“Excuse me,” says the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”
… Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror, she screams.
The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son’s bed, and asks, “What’s wrong?” And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, “What are those?”
The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.
The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, “What are we gonna do with this boy?”
Her husband replies, “Well, we’re not gonna spank him. That’s for sure.”