Tiki Humor

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon…

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, “Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!” The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. “One… Two… Three…” Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide, but Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square on the ground. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, “Ready or not, here I come!” Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him.

He says, “I found you, Newton!” Newton replies, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”

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How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior

The Greek says “We built the Parthenon.” the Italian says “We build the Colosseum.” The Greek says “We came up with advanced Mathematics” The Italian says “We made the Roman Empire.” The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. “We invented sex.” The Italian replies “True, true, I can’t argue with that, but we thought of having it with women.”

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2 Drunks in a pick-up truck

Are parked on a gravel road when they see the Sheriff pull in behind them. The passenger starts to panic but the driver says “It’s cool man, just chug your beer, rip off the label, stick it on your forehead, and stash the bottle under the seat.” So the sheriff gets to the truck door and sees 2 drunks with Budweiser labels on their faces. He cocks his brow inquisitively and says “You boys ain’t been drinkin, have you?”. The driver beams a smile, points to his his forehead and says “Oh no officer, we’re on the patch”.

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Stroke

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one’s arm was too short to reach.

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A man just finished with his favorite prostitute

And she was just slowly caressing his dick lovingly. He asked if he could get dressed and she begged for a few more minutes. Feeling proud of himself he asked why his tool was so amazing and she said “I love holding cocks and miss it dearly since I had mine taken off”

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What’s the best time of the day?

6:30… hands down

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I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

 

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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full

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Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god’s name in vein.

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The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician’s order: –

‘I’d like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please’ he requests.

‘Why sir!’ Exclaimed the waiter. ‘That’s an order of magnitude!’

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What do you call a mentally challenged lion?

A leotard

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell! She’s got a grenade in her mouth!

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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool

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What’s the difference between a vacuum and a Harley Davidson?

You can at least change the dirtbag on the vacuum.

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Leroy…

A woman who has recently moved to a new area goes into the local welfare office to meet her now case worker. All is going well, her case for welfare is pretty solid, but then the worker notices something a bit off.

He asks the woman, “Excuse me ma’am, but according to this you have fourteen sons. Is this true?”

“Mmm-hmm. They’s my boys.”

“Well yes ma’am, I understand that, but why are all fourteen of them named ‘Leroy.'”

“Well that just makes it easier for me. Whenever I wants my boys to come for breakfast, I jus’ yell ‘LEEROY!’ and all my boys come running. Whenever I wants my boys to come for a bath, I jus’ yell out ‘LEEEROY!’ and all my boys come a’running.”

“Well then, ma’am,” says the worker, “I guess that makes sense to me, but what do you do if you want to talk to just one of your sons?”

“Oh, I jus’ call him by ‘is last name.”

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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

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So I poured my root beer into a square glass…

now I just have beer

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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

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Taking a taxi home…

One night, a man went out drinking with his friends. After having several drinks, he decided it was time to go home, but he knew that if he were to get pulled over, he would most certainly go to jail; so he decided to take a taxi home, good thing too, for on his way home, he passed through a DUI roadblock. Since he was in a Taxi, the police officers waved him on through. He eventually arrived home safely without a hitch, but when he woke up the next morning and walked outside, he wondered what in the hell he was going to do with the taxi!

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