Tiki Humor

What did baby corn say to mummy corn?

Where’s popcorn?

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A snail goes to a used car lot to buy a car.

The sales person asks, “What are you looking for in a car?” The snail says, “I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge “S” on each door.”

The salesman says, “That’s a weird request, why?”

The snail says, “Because when I drive through town I want people to say, “Look at that S-Car-Go!”

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What did the robot do when it got mud on its shoe?

Reboot

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Mickey Mouse received a call from his lawyer….

Telling him that he couldn’t divorce Minnie just because she was fucking crazy!

Mickey replied “no you idiot, I said she was fucking goofy!”

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Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?

They don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

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I got a job crushing aluminium cans

But I had to leave, it was soda pressing.

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What kind of trains eat too much?

Chew chew trains

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Why couldn’t the baby pony speak?

He was a little horse.

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Why do seals swim in salt water

because pepper water makes them sneeze

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Irish Three

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

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A woman buys an expensive dress

A woman buys an expensive dress and her husband is angry how much money she spent. She says “The Devil made me do it.” He asks why she didn’t say “Get behind me Satan!” She responds “I did! And he told me it looked good from the back, too!”

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