I heard my son say his first words to me today…
“Where have you been in the past 20 years?”
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes…
…but they’re a solid number two.
What says “Quick, Quick!”?
A duck with the hiccups
What do you get if you cross a duck with fireworks?
A firequacker!
What do you call two ducks and a cow?
Quackers and Milk.
“Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding: “Do you know how fast you were going?” the police officer asks, incredulously.”
“Do you know how fast you were going?” the police officer asks, incredulously.
“No,” replies Heisenberg, “but I know exactly where I am!”
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
How do scientists keep their breath fresh?
With experi-mints.
Why was the employee fired from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn’t concentrate
A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”
The yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why? I’m cultured.”
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
what do you call young dogs that come in from the snow?
Slush puppies
How much to kettle drums cost?
Ten pennies
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on it’s own?
It was two tired.
I once accidentally sat down on a sheet of glass
It was a massive pane in my ass
why did the bowling pins stop working?
They went on strike
What did baby corn say to mummy corn?
Where’s popcorn?
A snail goes to a used car lot to buy a car.
The sales person asks, “What are you looking for in a car?” The snail says, “I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge “S” on each door.”
The salesman says, “That’s a weird request, why?”
The snail says, “Because when I drive through town I want people to say, “Look at that S-Car-Go!”
(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
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What did the robot do when it got mud on its shoe?
Reboot
Mickey Mouse received a call from his lawyer….
Telling him that he couldn’t divorce Minnie just because she was fucking crazy!
Mickey replied “no you idiot, I said she was fucking goofy!”
Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I got a job crushing aluminium cans
But I had to leave, it was soda pressing.
What kind of trains eat too much?
Chew chew trains
Why couldn’t the baby pony speak?
He was a little horse.
(4.86 out of 5)