Interviewer: Why do you think you’ll be a good waiter?
Me: You could say I bring a lot to the table.
Loading...What’s the difference between a battleship and Home Depot?
One sinks ships .The other ships sinks.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
For her birthday, I got my wife a Tourette’s Alarm Clock.
She is in for a rude awakening.
At what elevation is your vision the best?
See level
I don’t trust humanitarians…
…I’ve known too many vegetarians.
Anakin killing youngling jokes will never get old
But neither will those younglings.
What’s the freshest type of paper?
Newspaper
My son complained that the house was cold
I told him to stand in the corner, because it was 90 degrees
What do you call multiple calzones?
Calztwo
BOOM!
I apologize for my explosive outburst.
The worst time to be an eye doctor has to be New Year’s Eve 2019,
Right before everyone sees 2020.
They’re lots of options when buying tape and duct tape gets a lot of recognition but i’ve
Always found transparent tape to be the clear winner.
What the difference is between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants.
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Have you ever wondered why it’s better to shake paint instead of stirring?
Because this way, it will bond better
Why was Thanos taken to the mental hospital?
He snapped
[No Spoilers] I don’t know why people are complaining Avengers: Endgame was so long
It’s Marvel Studio’s twenty second movie
Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, “Hey, a train just went by!” They grudgingly ask, “How do you know daddy?
“Because its tracks are still here!”
I have some jokes about unemployment
But I don’t think they will work
What’s a ghost’s favorite thing to throw?
A Boo-merang
Why can’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless.
Did you hear about the locomotive that always did what it was told?
It was really well trained.
Why can’t the Infinity car company trademark ∞?
The legal battle would be endless.
why should you never play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
(4.86 out of 5)