Tiki Humor

A professor was lecturing his class the other day…

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

“the linguist was the Oxford professor J.L. Austin, and the zinger was delivered by a fellow professor, Sidney Morgenbesser of Columbia.

via Reddit.

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Inside your computer’s brain…

Computer: Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he’s pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: *sighs* Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you’re there.

Printer: NO! I’m not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Jesus. OK look, you really ne…

Mouse: Sir, he’s clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don’t want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I’m turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you can’t turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we’ll leave you alone.

Printer: NO! That’s what you always say! I hate you! I’m out of ink!

Computer: You’re not out of in…

Printer: I’M OUT OF INK!

Computer: *Sighs* Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen…

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! He’s hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, he’ll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: He’s pressing everything. Oh god, I don’t know, he’s just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you’ve done?!

Printer: HA! that’s what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he…hey…HEY! He’s trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He’s torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.

via Bits and Pieces.

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An Old Man and His Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

via reddit.

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Q: What do you call 8 hobbits?

A hobbyte.

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What would you do if I won the Lottery?

A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lottery?

”She says, “I’d take half, then leave you.”

“Excellent,” he replies,“I won $10 , here’s $5 – now Fuck off!”

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Auto mechancic vs Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and, when I finish it works just like new.”

“So how is it I make only $39,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1.6 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

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Efficiency experts advice – ‘Don’t try this at home’

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

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wipe with a dollar

I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and luckily I had my cellphone and called the wife. She told me to just wipe with a dollar, which luckily I had in my pants pocket. When she walked in the door I had shit all over me. She asked me what the hell happened, and I replied “You try and do better with 3 quarters, two dimes and a nickel.”

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What is a woman?

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, invincible . . . No wait . . .
I’m thinking of alcohol.

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a burglar broke into my house

Get this.” said one drinker to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”

“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.

“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

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the golfing nun

A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother-540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!

”No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… ’You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

via Bits and Pieces

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Tired of a listless sex life…

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?” She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

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Doctors Visit

I went to the doctor’s the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female; absolutely drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

So I said,
“I think my penis may taste funny…”

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WARNING!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called “Beer” is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs.”

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

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Right by his side

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

’‘When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?

’‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you’re bad luck… Get the Hell away from me’.

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A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance…

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the guy.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator.

“I'm sorry but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator.”Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning! Today you voted for us! The election is over.”

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Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

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Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

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What makes 100%

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How

about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

via Bits and Pieces.

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No matter how much you shake or you dance

No matter how much you shake or you dance

the last drops always falls in your pants.

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Speeding in Ireland

GOOD: Wexford: Police Traffic Corps had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but weren’t getting many. Then they discovered the problem – a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘SPEED TRAP AHEAD’. The police also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money.

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an automated speed check on the N4. A €80 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police a photo of €80. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Traffic Corps policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Police Traffic Department Ball.’ He replied, ‘The Police Traffic Department don’t have balls…..’

There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

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How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowblower?

Q: How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowblower?

A: Hand her a shovel.

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A quick trip to the dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.

The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.

via A quick trip to the dentist « Bits and Pieces.

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The gynecologist who became a mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

via Bits and Pieces.

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A Jewish man spots his Jewish friend reading an Arabic newspaper

“An Arabic newspaper? Moshe, have you lost your mind?” he says.

“Well, I used to read the Jewish papers, but what did I find?” Moshe replies. “Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to an Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”

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