Tiki Humor

My twin brother called me from prison.

He said “so you know how we always finish each other’s sentences…”

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A horse walks into a bar with a maths problem that says ‘If a shape has a width twice the size of its length, which is the greatest in size?’

The barman says ‘y, the long face’

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As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

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While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”

There’s no way I can turn that down.

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What do you call a disabled paedophile?

A creepy crawly.

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Where do Police go on date night?

Arrestrants

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I take viagra for my sunburn

Not because it helps the burn, but keeps the sheets off my legs.

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My wife insists that I use the phrase “make love” instead of the f-word.

I said, “What the make love are you talking about?”

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What does T’challa put on his hot dog?

Wakandaments

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In exchange for peace, the US is offering North Korea a shipment of transparent rockets.

So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.

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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

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What was wrong with the forgetfull pig?

He had hamnesia.

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Yesterday, I crossed a road, changed a light bulb and walked into a bar.

My life is turning into a joke.

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What do you call a Jew who marries a Christian?

Star-crossed lovers

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What can you hold in your left hand that you can’t hold in your right hand?

Your right hand

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If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

there would be mass confusion

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Koi fish will always travel in groups of four.

Because while A Koi, B Koi and C Koi will get away,the predators will always go for the D Koi.

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What do you call a modest insect?

A Humblebee

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It was very loud in the tennis product factory

They were making a racket

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My overweight parrot died today

I was upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder

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If you go to the hospital with a broken arm and leg, you shouldn’t have to pay your hospital bill.

Because getting injured has already cost you an arm and a leg

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What do the broccoli say to the ranch?

I’m going to take a dip

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Why did the balloon go near the needle?

He wanted to be a pop star.

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Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

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Turn Tables

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned.

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