Tiki Humor

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

With experi-mints.

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Why was the employee fired from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn’t concentrate

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A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”

The yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why? I’m cultured.”

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Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

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what do you call young dogs that come in from the snow?

Slush puppies

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How much to kettle drums cost?

Ten pennies

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Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on it’s own?

It was two tired.

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I once accidentally sat down on a sheet of glass

It was a massive pane in my ass

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why did the bowling pins stop working?

They went on strike

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What did baby corn say to mummy corn?

Where’s popcorn?

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A snail goes to a used car lot to buy a car.

The sales person asks, “What are you looking for in a car?” The snail says, “I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge “S” on each door.”

The salesman says, “That’s a weird request, why?”

The snail says, “Because when I drive through town I want people to say, “Look at that S-Car-Go!”

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What did the robot do when it got mud on its shoe?

Reboot

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Mickey Mouse received a call from his lawyer….

Telling him that he couldn’t divorce Minnie just because she was fucking crazy!

Mickey replied “no you idiot, I said she was fucking goofy!”

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Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?

They don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

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I got a job crushing aluminium cans

But I had to leave, it was soda pressing.

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What kind of trains eat too much?

Chew chew trains

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Why couldn’t the baby pony speak?

He was a little horse.

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Why do seals swim in salt water

because pepper water makes them sneeze

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Irish Three

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

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A woman buys an expensive dress

A woman buys an expensive dress and her husband is angry how much money she spent. She says “The Devil made me do it.” He asks why she didn’t say “Get behind me Satan!” She responds “I did! And he told me it looked good from the back, too!”

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My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

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Dream Job

A young man goes into the Job Center in Wichita, Kansas, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more – “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Houston, Texas. That’s about 616 miles from here.”

“Oh, is that where the job is?”,

“No sir – that’s where the end of the queue is right now.”

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The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend’s
birthday, and since they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note,
romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his girlfriend’s younger sister, he went to Nordstom
and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties
for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the
sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without cheking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his girlfriend
with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed that you were
not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. If it
had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the
long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that
are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me the pair
she had been wearing for the past three weeks. They
were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and
they looked really good.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the
first time, as no doubt, other hands will come in contact
with them before I get the chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them as
they will naturally be damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the year. I hope you
will wear them Friday night.

With love,
From your
Sweetheart

P.S.
The latest style is to wear them folded
down with a little fur showing.

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Bedroom Golf

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF!

1. EACH PLAYER SHALL FURNISH HIS OWN EQUIPMENT FOR PLAY – NORMALLY ONE CLUB AND TWO BALLS.

2. PLAY ON A COURSE MUST BE APPROVED BY THE OWNER OF THE HOLE.

3. UNLIKE OUTDOOR GOLF, THE OBJECT IS TO GET EH CLUB IN THE HOLE AND KEEP THE BALLS OUT.

4. FOR THE MOST EFFECTIVE PLAY, THE BLUCH SHOULD HAVE A FIRM SHAFT. COURSE OWNERS ARE PERMITTED TO CHECK SHAFT STIFFNESS BEFORE PLAY BEGINS.

5. COURSE OWNERS RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RESTRICT CLUB LENGTH TO AVOID DAMAGE TO THE GOLE.

6. THE OBJECT OF THE GAME IS TO TAKE AS MANY STRIKE AS NECESSARY UNTIL THE COURSE OWNER IS SATISFIED THAT PLAY IS COMPLETE. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESLULT IN VBEING DENIED PERMISSION TO PLAY THE COURSE AGIAN.

7. IT IS CONSIDERED BAD FORM TO BEGIN PLAYING THE HOLE IMMEDIATLY UPON ARRIVAL AT THE COURSE. THE EXPERIENCED PLAYER WILL NORMALLY TAKE TIME TO ADMIRE THE ENTIRE COURSE WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION TO WELL FORMED BUNKERS.

8. PLAYERS ARE CAUTIONED NOT TO MENTION OTHER COURSES THEY HAVE PLAYED, OR ARE CURRENTLYU PLAYING, TO THE OWNER OF THE OURSE BEING PLAYED. UPSET COURSE OWNERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DAMAGE PLAYER’S EQUIPMENT FOR THIS REASON.

9. PLAYERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO BRING PROPER RAIN GEAR FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION.

10. PLAYERS SHOULD ENSURE THEMSELVED THAT EHIR MATCH HAS BEE PROPERLY SCHEDUALED, PARTICULARLY WHEN A NEW COURSE IS BEIGN PLAYED FO THE FIRST TIME. PREVIOUSE PLAYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BECOME IRATE IF THEY DISCOVER SOMEONE ELSE PLAYING ON WHAT THEY CONSIDERED TO BE A PRIVATE COURSE.

11. PALYERS SHOULD NOT ASSUME A COURSE IS IN SHAPE FOR PLAY AT ALL TIMES. SOME PLAYERS MAY BE EMBARRASSED IF THEY FIND THE COURSE TO BE TEMPORARILY UNDER REPAIR. PLAER ARE ADVISED TO BE EXTREMELY TACTUFUL IN THSI SITUATION. MORE ADVANCED PLAYERS WILL FIND ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF PLAY WHEN THIS IS THE CASE.

12. THE COURSE OWNER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MANICURING AND PRUNING ANY BUCH AROUDN THE HOLE TO ALLOW FOR IMPROVED VIEWIN OF, ALIGNMENT WITH, AND APPROACH TO THE HOLE.

13. PLAYERS ARE ADVISED TO OBTAIN THE OURSE OWNERS PERMISSION BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO PLAY THE BACK NINE.

14. SLOW PLAY IS ENCOURSGED. HOWEVER, PLAYERS HSOULD BE PREPARE TO PROCEED AT A QUICKER PACE, AT LEAST TEMPORARILY, AT THE COURSE OWNER’S REQUEST.

15. IT IS CONSIDERED OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE, TIME PERMITTING, TO PLAY THE SMAE HOLE SEVERAL TIMES IN ONE MATCH.

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