Tiki Humor

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?

via Thur Jan 14 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

Boy: I have a dick, and you dont!

Girl: My mother said, when I grow up, I can have as many as I want

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

via Thur Jan 14 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the “Clitaurus.” It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

via Tues Jan 12 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

The Population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

via We’re in trouble… « Bits & Pieces.

A man comes home one day and sits down the cough with a thud. He bellows to his wife to bring him a beer. She comes out with a can in her hand. He says, “In a glass you wench.” She leaves and returns with a glass of beer. He takes the beer without saying anything. She says, “I could have poisoned that.” He looks at his wife and says,”And I would drink it anyway.”

I am still out there job hunting. I always have a problem when filling out the job application and I get to the part about ‘Sex: F or M.’ I never knows which to choose – I really like to Fuck, but I spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

via Wed Jan 6 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed…

… Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I m not sure the IRS finds that believable. I m a great gambler, and I can prove it, says Ralph. How about a demonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay. Go ahead. Ralph says, I ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye. The auditor thinks a moment and says, No way! It s a bet. Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor s jaw drops. Ralph says, Now, I ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. The auditor can tell Ralph isn t blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. Want to go double or nothing? Ralph asks. I ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between. The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. Are you okay? the auditor asks. Not really, says the attorney.

This morning, when Ralph told me he d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you d be happy about it.

via Todays Humor – Be Careful What You Bet On.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient And ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug….. Do you want a bed near the window?”

via Mon Dec 21 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”

Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

via Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes » Barely Scratched The Surface.