Tiki Humor

My wife insists that I use the phrase “make love” instead of the f-word.

I said, “What the make love are you talking about?”

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What does T’challa put on his hot dog?

Wakandaments

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In exchange for peace, the US is offering North Korea a shipment of transparent rockets.

So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.

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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

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What was wrong with the forgetfull pig?

He had hamnesia.

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Yesterday, I crossed a road, changed a light bulb and walked into a bar.

My life is turning into a joke.

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What do you call a Jew who marries a Christian?

Star-crossed lovers

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What can you hold in your left hand that you can’t hold in your right hand?

Your right hand

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If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

there would be mass confusion

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Koi fish will always travel in groups of four.

Because while A Koi, B Koi and C Koi will get away,the predators will always go for the D Koi.

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What do you call a modest insect?

A Humblebee

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It was very loud in the tennis product factory

They were making a racket

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My overweight parrot died today

I was upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder

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If you go to the hospital with a broken arm and leg, you shouldn’t have to pay your hospital bill.

Because getting injured has already cost you an arm and a leg

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What do the broccoli say to the ranch?

I’m going to take a dip

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Why did the balloon go near the needle?

He wanted to be a pop star.

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Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

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Turn Tables

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned.

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What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor

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She lights up the room, every time she walks in…

…then again, she’s the only one who knows where the light switch is.

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Dad gets some ink

A man visits a tattoo parlor with a rather simple, but strange request. He requests a short, straight line tattooed on his upper arm.

Once the first tattoo heals, he returns, asking for another, exactly the same as the first.

After a few more visits, it becomes clear to the tattoo artist that he’s tattooing tally marks on the customer’s arm.

Curiosity getting the better of the tattoo artist, he asks, “What are you counting?”

The man answers, “How many tattoos I have.”

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Why did the taxidermist open his window?

Because it was stuffy inside

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what happens to a cow when it jumps over a barbed wire fence?

udder destruction.

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People who can’t tell the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I just cannot put into words.

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Why is a room full of married people empty?

Because there is not a single person.

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