Tiki Humor

can’t afford to get pregnant

“I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can”t afford to get pregnant!” said Edna to her friend Priscilla. “But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy, “Priscill a responded. “He did.” replied Enda. “That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant!”

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Asshole Bleach

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job. The second woman says Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached! To which the first replies, Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!

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Ice Cream Eater

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it! The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, Aren’t you going to do anything!? The husband replies, First of all, you have too many shoes as it is.Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!

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Tiny Sex

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, How the hell do the two of you have sex? The big guy says, I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down. His friend says, You know, that don’t sound too bad. The big guy says, Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.

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cash to cover the cleaning bill

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. Damn, he says. I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.

Not to worry, says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. Why are there two twenties? she asks.

The drunk replies, Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too. 

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Playing Doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age, the neighbor said. Sexuality?! the mother yelled. He took out her appendix!

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12 shots of tequila

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast.

You would if you had what I have, the man says, throwing back number 11.

Well, what is it you have?

The man throws back his last shot and says, Fifty cents.

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S&M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?
Sally replies It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M. Sue is aghast. Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that. Oh, sure, says Sally, He snores while I masturbate.

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Arab Terrorists Vs Marine On Airliner

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’ As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’

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Larry’s bar

A man goes to see a psychiatrist and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes down to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she fucks anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?  Relax, says the doctor. Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?

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Balls

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ” something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ˜Why do you love doing that?’

˜Because,’ she replied, ˜I miss mine.’

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Rules for hunting lawyers

Washington state attorney season and bag limits

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
The devil visited a lawyer\’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I\’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you\’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife\’s soul, your children\’s souls, and their children\’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”

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Married

John wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!

John sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

John looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

“Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. John asks, “Son…what happened last night?”

His son replies: “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

The father continues “So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

“Oh, THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”

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Getting a divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

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Triplets

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets, was in a supermarket. Suddenly, a man with a balaclava and a gun burst in and shouted, “Everybody put your hands on your head, and get down on your knees! This is a robbery!”
All of the customers did so, but the pregnant woman couldn’t because she was too large. The thief noticed this, and shot her three times in the uterus before making an escape.

A couple of months later, the triplets were born. They, of course, survived the shots and grew up well without many complications.
Three years after the incident, the mother was in the kitchen reading the newspaper. One of the triplets came into the kitchen and said, “Mummy, I found a bullet in my poo!”

The mother brushed off the comment and said, “That’s nice, dear.”
The next day, when the mother was sat in the kitchen, another of the triplets hobbled in and said, “Mum, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother, again, just said, “That’s nice dear.”

The day after that, the mother was in the lounge watching the news, the third of the triplets walked in and said, “Mummy, I -”

“Let me guess, you found a bullet in your poo?”

“No, I farted and shot the cat.”

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Getting Fucked

One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she’s lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish.

The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies I have no arms and no legs. I’ve never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked!

So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says Now you’re fucked!

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Kinky Sex

A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she’s so down to which she replies, My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.

What a coincidence! he said, My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.

So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman’s apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.

Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headeding towards the door.

What’s going on? she asks. I thought you wanted to get kinky?

The man turns to her and says, Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.

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Question Of Height

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can’t stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor’s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, “What’s wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”

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Bank Robbery

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?” The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…” The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!” The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?” The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”

The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”

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Top Ten Reason to Masturbate

Think of all the money you will save on personal ads.

Your hand will never leave you.

Natural endorphins create a happy mood and outlook on life.

Your dildo doesn’t care if you have sex with another dildo.

Your pocket pussy won’t be hurt if you don’t call the next day.

You don’t have to spend time and money taking your penis pump to dinner.

Your vibrator never wants sex in the morning unless you do.

You don’t need to ask your dong if it has been tested for STD’s.

Your hand does not care if you go right to sleep. And Ravens #1 reason to masturbate..

You get to cum first and last!

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Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a not word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome.” That will bring on a “whatever”

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying you are in big trouble.

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology

*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it’s true

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Still Mourning

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter, seeing that her Mom was lonely, repeatedly urged her to start dating. On her daughter’s advice Karen finally went on a blind date.

After dating for just six weeks Karen and her new boyfriend fell in love. Eager to move the relationship to the next level he asked her to join him for a weekend at his cabin by the lake.

Their first night there, she undressed and stood nude in front of him except for a pair of black lacy panties.

Why the black panties? he asked.

My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.

He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night, so he kindly suggested they just go to bed. The following night saw the same scenario. There she stood wearing her black panties. Without saying a word he took off all his clothes. He was naked except for a black condom that he had on.

She looked at him and asked curiously, What’s with the black condom?

I would like to offer my deepest condolences , he replied.

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Religious Convictions

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

So I ran over and said “Stop! don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said,”Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?”

He said, “Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?”

He said,”Reformed Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

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Star light, star bright

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Ah crap, it’s a satellite.

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canoe ride

“I nanea no ka holo o ka wa’a i ke akamai o ke ku hoe.”

One can enjoy a canoe ride when the paddler is skilled.

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