Tiki Humor

Religious Convictions

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

So I ran over and said “Stop! don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said,”Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?”

He said, “Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?”

He said,”Reformed Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

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Star light, star bright

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Ah crap, it’s a satellite.

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canoe ride

“I nanea no ka holo o ka wa’a i ke akamai o ke ku hoe.”

One can enjoy a canoe ride when the paddler is skilled.

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Think Twice

I’ll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night.

one man said to the other. I’ll say. replied the second,

First, I have to think up a reason for going out.

Second, I have to think up why she can’t go with me.

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Hey are you pregnant ?

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home,and they start fucking.

He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.

He says, Hey, are you pregnant?

She says, That wasn’t a nipple, that was a boil.

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stimulus package

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

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red but smells like blue?

Q: What’s red but smells like blue paint?
A: red paint

I saw this while drunk and watching Myth Busters.  Credit goes to the always beautiful Kari Byron.

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Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate

“He’s a smart one. Once he sees the crate, he gets pretty nippy, but we’ve learned a few tricks over the years,” chief VP wrangler Ted Irving breathlessly said while applying pressure to a deep gash on his forearm. “If we break a rabbit’s legs and throw it in there, he will eventually go in to finish it off. Doesn’t work with dead rabbits, though. Cheney only eats what he kills.”
Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

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Microsoft Retail Stores

Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open retail stores to compete with Apple.

Microsoft says that their stores will be just like Apple stores except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question.

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Password Problems

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.

“Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

DeadDog -» DeadDog Archive -» Password Problems

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Bailout

The Adult Entertainment Industry is asking the government for a $5 billion bailout.

A lot of people are against this. They’re afraid if they give the porn industry a bailout, they’ll just blow it.

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Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner

John Oliver on The Bugle: Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner is like apologizing
for spelling someone’s name wrong on a birthday cake you made them out of shit.

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International Incident

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: No!  and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. Ther sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: NO WAY, BUDDY!  and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear: Can I pay in Canadian currency?

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Underwear Dust Cloud

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
What the fuck? he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. April, he hollered into the bathroom, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?

It’s not talcum powder, she shot back. It’s fuck’n ˜Miracle Grow’.

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Some Bad News and Some VERY Bad News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Toe-Raising Sex

A couple were engaged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner’s toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked: Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don’t?

Silly,  she replied, I take my pantyhose off in the shower!

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Viagra Prescription

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra and requests the largest dose possible. The doctor asks why he needs so much and the man explains that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor nods and fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same man goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks: Why? Is your penis in that much pain?

No, the man responds. It’s for my wrists – the girls never showed up!

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Being An Egg Ain’t Easy

5 Reasons Why It Stinks Being an Egg:

1) You only get laid once.

2) You only get eaten once.

3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard.

4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.

5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

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The Second Coming

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?

The mother says, It’s my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she’s sick most mornings.

The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant ” about four months would be my guess.

The mother says, Pregnant?!? She can’t be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?

Darla says, No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, Is there something wrong out there, doctor?

The doctor replies, No, not really. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!

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Economy

You know how bad the economy is?

This week, Exxon Mobil had to lay off 25 congressmen.

– Jay Leno — DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Economy

.

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$5,000 Loan

A businessman walked into a New York bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan. The businessman then handed over the keys to a Rolls-Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everythng checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove it into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the 5,000 dollars and the interest, which came to $15.00.

The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?

The business man replied: Where else in New York City could I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

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ICBM

An ICBM is what happens when you take a shit outside in Antarctica.

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Republican Christian

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl’s screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life, he says.

Why, it was nothing, the man says. Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion’s den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.

I noticed a bible in your pocket ” are you a republican? asked the journalist.

Yes, and I’m a christian on my way to a bible study, the man replies.

Well, I’ll make sure this act won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page, he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:

Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.

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Midget Fucker

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, Take it easy Dear, Can’t you see I’m trying to taper off?

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Eye Test

A young woman visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?
Girl: No.
Doctor: Can you read the center line?
Girl: No.
Doctor: Can you read the large top line?
Girl: No.
Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?
Girl: No.
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants.
Doctor: Can you see this?
Girl: Of course!
Doctor: Well, there’s your problem – you’re cock-eyed!

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