Tiki Humor

Room 1221

A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.

She replies, if your cock is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.

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Odd Menu

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere , parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

˜Yes?’ she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, ˜may I help you?’

The ole biker leans over the bar, I was wondering young lady, he whispers, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs Why yes, Yes, I sure am.

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.

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A shark on whiskey is mighty risky

A shark on whiskey… is mighty risky. But a shark on beer… is a beer engineer

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George W. Bush Statue

Dear Sir:

We have the distinction of being members of a committee to raise $200,000,000 to be used for placing a statue of George W. Bush in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.

The committee was in a quandary about selecting the proper location for the statue. It was thought unwise to place it beside that of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside that of Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George W. Bush could never tell the difference.

After careful consideration, we think it should be placed next to the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all, in that he started out not
knowing where he was going, and in arriving did not know where he was, and in returning did not know where he had been ” and managed to do it all on borrowed money.

The inscription on the statue will read: “I pledge allegiance to George W. Bush and to the national debt for which he stands, one man, expendible, with graft and corruption for all.”

Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly five thousand years later, Ronald Reagan said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Now George W. Bush has stolen the shovels, kicked our asses, raised the price of Camels, and laid waste to the Promised Land.

If you are one of the few who has any money left over after paying off Bush’s huge national debt, we will expect a generous contribution from you toward this noteworthy project.

Yours sincerely,

National Committee on the Bush Bust

P.S. It is said that Michael Steele is considering changing the Republican party emblem from an elephant to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is getting screwed!

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The Best Law Enforcement

The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. Their press release on their “successful operation” notes “The rabbit had it coming.”

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “OK, OK — I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

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General Cosgrove Quote

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

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legs or breasts?

When asked if I preferred legs or breasts, I told the stranger that I had a particular fondness for nice hairy pussies. He then informed me that this wasn’t an option when choosing a KFC Bargain Bucket.

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She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.

Rod continues slowly sipping his beer and then thoughtfully says, You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.

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belligerent drunk

 

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: I can lick any man in the fuck’n place!

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?

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Game over. Geek wins.

 

Michael Jordan having retired, with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

* If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
* If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
* If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
* He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
* If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
* If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.
* He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
* He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
* This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it?

However

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Geek wins.

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Jesus and Satan On The Computer

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don’t have any?’
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES….

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to improve his stamina

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey? Mrs. Stone answered, Well, he’s a little behind with the pills, but he’s about six months ahead with the whiskey.

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meet with President Bush

An old man wearing a VFW hat walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn’t live here anymore.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, “Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn’t live here anymore.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I’ve told you already that he is no longer in office. He’s never coming back. Don’t you understand?”

The old veteran answered him, “Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it ” he didn’t attend the funeral of a single Marine killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, you know.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!”

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Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?  he hissed at the parrot Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, I’m just trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?

Moses,  replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed.

What kind of people would name a bird Moses?

The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

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can’t afford to get pregnant

“I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can”t afford to get pregnant!” said Edna to her friend Priscilla. “But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy, “Priscill a responded. “He did.” replied Enda. “That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant!”

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Asshole Bleach

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job. The second woman says Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached! To which the first replies, Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!

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Ice Cream Eater

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it! The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, Aren’t you going to do anything!? The husband replies, First of all, you have too many shoes as it is.Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!

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Tiny Sex

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, How the hell do the two of you have sex? The big guy says, I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down. His friend says, You know, that don’t sound too bad. The big guy says, Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.

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cash to cover the cleaning bill

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. Damn, he says. I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.

Not to worry, says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. Why are there two twenties? she asks.

The drunk replies, Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too. 

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Playing Doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age, the neighbor said. Sexuality?! the mother yelled. He took out her appendix!

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12 shots of tequila

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast.

You would if you had what I have, the man says, throwing back number 11.

Well, what is it you have?

The man throws back his last shot and says, Fifty cents.

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S&M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?
Sally replies It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M. Sue is aghast. Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that. Oh, sure, says Sally, He snores while I masturbate.

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Arab Terrorists Vs Marine On Airliner

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’ As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’

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Larry’s bar

A man goes to see a psychiatrist and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes down to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she fucks anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?  Relax, says the doctor. Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?

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Balls

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ” something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ˜Why do you love doing that?’

˜Because,’ she replied, ˜I miss mine.’

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