Tiki Humor

Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner

John Oliver on The Bugle: Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner is like apologizing
for spelling someone’s name wrong on a birthday cake you made them out of shit.

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International Incident

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: No!  and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. Ther sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: NO WAY, BUDDY!  and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear: Can I pay in Canadian currency?

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Underwear Dust Cloud

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
What the fuck? he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. April, he hollered into the bathroom, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?

It’s not talcum powder, she shot back. It’s fuck’n ˜Miracle Grow’.

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Some Bad News and Some VERY Bad News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Toe-Raising Sex

A couple were engaged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner’s toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked: Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don’t?

Silly,  she replied, I take my pantyhose off in the shower!

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Viagra Prescription

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra and requests the largest dose possible. The doctor asks why he needs so much and the man explains that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor nods and fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same man goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks: Why? Is your penis in that much pain?

No, the man responds. It’s for my wrists – the girls never showed up!

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Being An Egg Ain’t Easy

5 Reasons Why It Stinks Being an Egg:

1) You only get laid once.

2) You only get eaten once.

3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard.

4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.

5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

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The Second Coming

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?

The mother says, It’s my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she’s sick most mornings.

The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant ” about four months would be my guess.

The mother says, Pregnant?!? She can’t be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?

Darla says, No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, Is there something wrong out there, doctor?

The doctor replies, No, not really. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!

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Economy

You know how bad the economy is?

This week, Exxon Mobil had to lay off 25 congressmen.

– Jay Leno — DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Economy

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$5,000 Loan

A businessman walked into a New York bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan. The businessman then handed over the keys to a Rolls-Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everythng checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove it into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the 5,000 dollars and the interest, which came to $15.00.

The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?

The business man replied: Where else in New York City could I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

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ICBM

An ICBM is what happens when you take a shit outside in Antarctica.

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Republican Christian

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl’s screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life, he says.

Why, it was nothing, the man says. Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion’s den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.

I noticed a bible in your pocket ” are you a republican? asked the journalist.

Yes, and I’m a christian on my way to a bible study, the man replies.

Well, I’ll make sure this act won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page, he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:

Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.

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Midget Fucker

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, Take it easy Dear, Can’t you see I’m trying to taper off?

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Eye Test

A young woman visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?
Girl: No.
Doctor: Can you read the center line?
Girl: No.
Doctor: Can you read the large top line?
Girl: No.
Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?
Girl: No.
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants.
Doctor: Can you see this?
Girl: Of course!
Doctor: Well, there’s your problem – you’re cock-eyed!

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Would you like to dance?

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, Would you like to dance?

The girl haughtily says, I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with a fuck like of you.

The guy says, I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.

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Blind Man Vs Pissing Dog

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied, Oh I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass.

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Broken WIndow Genie

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, Come on in.  Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, Are you the people who broke my window?  The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. Actually, I want to thank you ”I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.

Fantastic!  says the husband. I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

No problem,  says the genie, it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?

I want a house in every country in the world,  says the wife.

Consider it done,  the genie replies, turning back to the man. And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either.

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, How old is your husband, anyway?

Thirty-five, she replies.

And he still believes in genies?

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coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. “This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, ‘What a coincidence!’

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Make love to her like in the movies

My girlfriend wanted me to make love to her like in the movies. So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face. She got pissed. I guess we don’t watch the same fucking movies!

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Valentine’s Day Trick

A woman walks into a post office to mail a letter. He notices a man standing at the counter with a pile of pink envelopes. She watches as he places a Love stamp on each one and then sprays it with perfume.

Her curiosity gets the better of her, so she approaches the man. What are you doing? She asks.

I’m mailing 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, Guess who?

Why would you do that?  asks the woman.

I’m a divorce lawyer,  was the man’s reply.

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Shameful Occupations

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you go first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, She’s a doctor.

That’s wonderful. How about you, Annie?

Annie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Annie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, I’m actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a 7-year-old?

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Gimme some fucking waffles

One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out: Ouch you fucking wanker!

Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. She said: Father, my boys just won’t stop swearing and I don’t know what to do.

Well, have you tried smacking them? the priest asked.

No, she replied. Doesn’t the church look down on that?

Well, the priest said, yes, but in some cases we’ll make an exception.

The next day, the two boys came down for breakfast and she asked Tommy what he wanted to eat.

Tommy said: Gimme some fucking waffles.

The mother backhanded Tommy so hard that he flew out of his chair and landed against the door.

Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy became very quiet. His mother asked him what he wants for breakfast, and he replied,

Well you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no fucking waffles!

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One-third of all Americans

The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese.

You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.

– Jay Leno

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Blonde Filing System

Two secretaries were talking about their work.

I hate filing, said one. No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I’m looking for. I forget where I have filed them.

I used to have that problem too, but no more, her blonde friend said. Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can’t miss it!

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Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.

An hour later the captain announced, One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don’t worry, we still have one engine left.

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!

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