Tiki Humor

Would you like to dance?

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, Would you like to dance?

The girl haughtily says, I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with a fuck like of you.

The guy says, I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.

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Blind Man Vs Pissing Dog

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied, Oh I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass.

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Broken WIndow Genie

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, Come on in.  Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, Are you the people who broke my window?  The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. Actually, I want to thank you ”I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.

Fantastic!  says the husband. I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

No problem,  says the genie, it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?

I want a house in every country in the world,  says the wife.

Consider it done,  the genie replies, turning back to the man. And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either.

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, How old is your husband, anyway?

Thirty-five, she replies.

And he still believes in genies?

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coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. “This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, ‘What a coincidence!’

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Make love to her like in the movies

My girlfriend wanted me to make love to her like in the movies. So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face. She got pissed. I guess we don’t watch the same fucking movies!

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Valentine’s Day Trick

A woman walks into a post office to mail a letter. He notices a man standing at the counter with a pile of pink envelopes. She watches as he places a Love stamp on each one and then sprays it with perfume.

Her curiosity gets the better of her, so she approaches the man. What are you doing? She asks.

I’m mailing 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, Guess who?

Why would you do that?  asks the woman.

I’m a divorce lawyer,  was the man’s reply.

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Shameful Occupations

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you go first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, She’s a doctor.

That’s wonderful. How about you, Annie?

Annie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Annie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, I’m actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a 7-year-old?

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Gimme some fucking waffles

One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out: Ouch you fucking wanker!

Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. She said: Father, my boys just won’t stop swearing and I don’t know what to do.

Well, have you tried smacking them? the priest asked.

No, she replied. Doesn’t the church look down on that?

Well, the priest said, yes, but in some cases we’ll make an exception.

The next day, the two boys came down for breakfast and she asked Tommy what he wanted to eat.

Tommy said: Gimme some fucking waffles.

The mother backhanded Tommy so hard that he flew out of his chair and landed against the door.

Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy became very quiet. His mother asked him what he wants for breakfast, and he replied,

Well you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no fucking waffles!

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One-third of all Americans

The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese.

You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.

– Jay Leno

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Blonde Filing System

Two secretaries were talking about their work.

I hate filing, said one. No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I’m looking for. I forget where I have filed them.

I used to have that problem too, but no more, her blonde friend said. Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can’t miss it!

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Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.

An hour later the captain announced, One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don’t worry, we still have one engine left.

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!

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buffalo come

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says Humm, buffalo come. The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come? and the Indian replies, Ear sticky

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GMC Vs Tiger Woods

General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods.

When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said, Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular and that’s just not us.

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Michigan’s ban

Michigan’s Department of Education banned schools from giving students an “F” in any subject.

It’s for the good of the kids. When they are grown up and running the auto companies they’ll have the experience necessary to ask for a bailout.

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New Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practicalexam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

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First-Time Stewardess

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone crying, and said, I can’t get out of the room!

You can’t get out of your room? the captain asked. Why not?

She replied, There are only three doors in here, she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ˜Do Not Disturb!’

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A pirate walks into a bar…

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says, Do you know that you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The pirate replies Ay, it’s driven me nuts.

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Historic Election

Former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever.

Black Republicans said they were thrilled both of them.

– Jay Leno — DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Historic Election

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her squirrel

The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, Mommy what’s that between your legs? She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, Grandma what’s that between your legs? She replied, That’s my squirrel. The little boy said, Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours. Grandma replied, Well, your mommy’s squirrel hasn’t cracked as many nuts as mine has!

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Second Place Sucks

A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office.

Things aren’t going too well, guys,  he announced grimly. So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.

What does the loser get?  asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, The loser gets to give it.

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Presidential Lunch

President Bush is hosting a lunch this month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents.

Bush said, I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded. He doesn’t know what happened.

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ride him like a cowgirl

Bubba, a farm boy fresh off the tater wagon, and not accustomed to bein’ with the ladies, met a sexy babe at the Dead Steer Country & Western Bar

She told him she wanted to take him home and ride him like a cowgirl on a bucking bull.

She wasn’t very good, though; he was able to throw her off in less than 8 seconds, each and every fuck’n time!

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special sandals

A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside, they heard a shopkeeper say, You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them.

The husband asked the man, How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

The Jamaican replied, Just try dem on, Mon.

The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got a wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years.

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped off his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold on the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!

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date for Saturday night

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. Veronica, I just don’t know what to do, Gloria said to her friend at work. That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?

Oh, my God!  her friend exclaimed. He’ll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he’ll rip off your dress and you’ll have fantastic sex!

What should I do? asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, Wear an old dress.

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Cheerleader Frontseat Confessions

A blonde, bosomy cheerleader confessed to her priest that she often had sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. Now, my daughter, consoled the priest, I’m sure if you think about it, you’ll know you’ve been doing something wrong. Yeah, I guess you are right, replied the cheerleader. Maybe it would be more comfortable in the backseat.

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