Tiki Humor

Louisiana Election

Voters in Louisiana, on Saturday, kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer.

How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money make him treasury secretary.

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Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

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WASHINGTON ”In an alarming development with wide-reaching implications for America’s safety, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and CIA Director Michael Hayden issued a joint report Monday warning that the next 9/11 could in fact occur on a different date.

The report, based on intelligence gathered by field-agents, found that a future 9/11 might take place on an entirely new month and day, including 4/24, 6/13, or even 10/12. According to the report, the nation could realistically find itself in the midst of a 5/25 scenario, as well as a potential 3/14 situation in the months to come.

8/28, 6/19, and 11/7 were also cited as possible 9/11s.
Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Click through to read the rest of this terrifying report.

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20-minute walk

With today’s focus on exercising, I’ve been trying to talk my husband into joining me in a 20-minute walk each night. One evening after reading an article called Brighten You Sex Life, I felt I had a new argument to present. I told my husband that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life. He replied, Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away?

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Retardment

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ” early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

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Drunken Driving

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

Did you know, says the cop, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car

Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.

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Getting Weighed

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse.

“I want to get weighed,” replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed.” Amber responded.

By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.”

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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish…………………………49
Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………….No boobs
Average looking……………..Ugly
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
Feminist……………………….Fat
Free spirit……………………..Junkie
Friendship first……………….Former slut
Fun…………………………….Annoying
Gentle…………………………Dull
New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded…………………Desperate
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………………Depressive
Professional…………………..Bitch
Romantic………………………Frigid
Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
Widow…………………………Murderer

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You Know You’re In Trouble When

You Know You’re In Trouble When

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

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black pepper works!

Ever since the DHS (department of homeland security -ed) has been setup, there are no terror attacks on the USA. So, obviously what the DHS is doing prevents terrorism.

Is is the same up here in Canada. We sprinkle black pepper on our lawns to prevent elephants from messing then up.

But there are no elephants in Canada you say? See, more proof that the black pepper works …
A Peek At DHS’s Files On You

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Stranded Fishermen

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!

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Three Wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

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Anything you say will be held against you

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She tells the man,
Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you. The drunk replies, Tits.

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Social Security sex

Two men were talking.

So, how’s your sex life?

Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.

Social Security sex?

Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!

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I Said….

So, Cowboy Bob is roaring across the plains on his trusty steed with 200 raging Indians, er Peaceful Native Americans, hot on his trail ready to scalp him. He whips out his rifle, fires his last two shots over his shoulder and takes out 15 of them. Then he pulls out his revolver, fires his last bullet and takes out 10 of them. Desperate, he flings the rifle and drops 20 of the Indians. Finally, in a last act of defiance, he throws his revolver and drops 12 more of them before the horde overtakes him.

Beaten and bound, he is presented to the chief, who tells him “Bob, you are the most incredible warrior we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you one last wish and let you live tonight, but tomorrow we’re going to kill you.”

Bob thinks, then says, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” He walks over, lifts the horse’s ear and whispers something. The horse sprints off, only to return an hour later with a hot blonde on it’s back.

Bob and blonde retire to Bob’s teepee, where they have loud sex all night long.

In the morning, the chief says, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior, you’re the best animal trainer we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you another wish, and one more night of life before we kill you in the morning.”

Bob walks to his horse, lifts its ear and whispers something. Again, the horse takes off only to return an hour later with a stunning brunette on its back.

Bob, the blonde and the brunette retire to Bob’s tee pee and, again, spend the night having loud, passionate sex.

In the morning, the chief, now being eyed by his wife, says to Bob, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior and animal trainer we’ve ever met, you’re the best lover we’ve ever heard of, so one more wish and one more night.”

Bob ambles over to his horse, lifts its ear and yells, “I SAID POSSE!”

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Barackberry

 

After lots of discussions with the Secret Service, President Obama will be allowed to keep his Blackberry. It’s a special Blackberry built just for him; they are calling it a Barackberry.

It doesn’t even have a battery  it runs entirely on hope.

– Jay Leno

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Divorce Barbie

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realised that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present.

He drove to the shopping mall, ran to the toy store and said to the saleswoman, “How much is that Barbie in the window?” In a condescending manner, she says “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 319.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00”.

“So why is the Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?” asks Ralph

“Well that’s obvious” says the saleswoman “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture….”

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NES for christmas

Christmas memory – I got a Nintendo system for Christmas right after they first came out. It was what I asked for, but the game seemed a lot more fun in the commercials. The game I got was called Staring Contest. You played against Walter Mondale, the idea was not to blink your eyes before he did.

Years later my mother admitted that she just taped an 8 ³ by 10 ³ photograph of Mondale to the TV screen, and the Nintendo machine was really just a shoe box with a cat toy for the controller. Anyway, don’t ever get into a staring contest with Walter Mondale. He’s REALLY good at that game. I only won once in the whole time I had the game.

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Bad Drunk Driver

From the country where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off “it was a
fine, dry summer night “, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station.

This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

˜I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Redneck. ˜Tonight I’m the
designated decoy.’

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Construction Girl

Once there was 5 year old girl who lived with her family next to an empty lot. One day, a construction crew moved onto the empty lot and started building a new house. The little girl was fascinated by the commotion, and watched the work closely. Soon, she was wandering over to observe and talk with the construction workers.

The construction workers, who were “gems in the rough” kind of guys, took a shine to the charming and cute little girl and adopted her as a mascot. They got her tiny workboots and hardhat, and found small jobs for her to do so that she could be one of the crew. She even ate her lunch with them and had her snacks while they had their coffee breaks.

Her best moment was when they gave the little girl her very own paycheque. They told her that since she had worked with them, she deserved her own paycheque. She was thrilled that she had earned twenty dollars of her very own.

Her proud mother took the girl down to the bank so that she could open her own bank account using her twenty dollars.

“Your very own paycheque!” the teller said to the little girl, “How wonderful! How did you get this?”
The little girl breathlessly told the teller how she had earned it helping to build the house next door. The teller was charmed by the delightful girl’s tale.

“How charming!” the teller exclaimed, “and will you be helping to build the house next week too?”
“I will if those shitheads at Home Depot get off their asses and finally deliver the fucking drywall!”

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What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?

What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?

The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

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Busy In Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

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Turning To Stone

Thirteen year old Mike came running out of a strip show where he had just seen a stripper in action.

Why are you in such a hurry? asked the manager.

The young man skidded to a stop and replied excitedly, My mother told me that if I ever looked at anything bad I would turn to stone, and think I have just fuck’n started!

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Female hormones in beer

Harvard scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a
1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) Became overly emotional
4.) Couldn’t drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating
8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

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I Don’t Think So!

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” Kate said.

Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”

A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so, ” Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

Paul quickly replies, “Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so.”

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, “Babe, how did you fix all this.”

She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

Paul says, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

Kate looks at him and replies, “Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!”

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Shopping for a Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

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