Tiki Humor

New Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practicalexam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

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First-Time Stewardess

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone crying, and said, I can’t get out of the room!

You can’t get out of your room? the captain asked. Why not?

She replied, There are only three doors in here, she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ˜Do Not Disturb!’

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A pirate walks into a bar…

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says, Do you know that you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The pirate replies Ay, it’s driven me nuts.

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Historic Election

Former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever.

Black Republicans said they were thrilled both of them.

– Jay Leno — DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Historic Election

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her squirrel

The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, Mommy what’s that between your legs? She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, Grandma what’s that between your legs? She replied, That’s my squirrel. The little boy said, Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours. Grandma replied, Well, your mommy’s squirrel hasn’t cracked as many nuts as mine has!

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Second Place Sucks

A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office.

Things aren’t going too well, guys,  he announced grimly. So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.

What does the loser get?  asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, The loser gets to give it.

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Presidential Lunch

President Bush is hosting a lunch this month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents.

Bush said, I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded. He doesn’t know what happened.

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ride him like a cowgirl

Bubba, a farm boy fresh off the tater wagon, and not accustomed to bein’ with the ladies, met a sexy babe at the Dead Steer Country & Western Bar

She told him she wanted to take him home and ride him like a cowgirl on a bucking bull.

She wasn’t very good, though; he was able to throw her off in less than 8 seconds, each and every fuck’n time!

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special sandals

A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside, they heard a shopkeeper say, You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them.

The husband asked the man, How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

The Jamaican replied, Just try dem on, Mon.

The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got a wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years.

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped off his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold on the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!

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date for Saturday night

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. Veronica, I just don’t know what to do, Gloria said to her friend at work. That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?

Oh, my God!  her friend exclaimed. He’ll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he’ll rip off your dress and you’ll have fantastic sex!

What should I do? asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, Wear an old dress.

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Cheerleader Frontseat Confessions

A blonde, bosomy cheerleader confessed to her priest that she often had sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. Now, my daughter, consoled the priest, I’m sure if you think about it, you’ll know you’ve been doing something wrong. Yeah, I guess you are right, replied the cheerleader. Maybe it would be more comfortable in the backseat.

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Louisiana Election

Voters in Louisiana, on Saturday, kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer.

How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money make him treasury secretary.

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Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

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WASHINGTON ”In an alarming development with wide-reaching implications for America’s safety, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and CIA Director Michael Hayden issued a joint report Monday warning that the next 9/11 could in fact occur on a different date.

The report, based on intelligence gathered by field-agents, found that a future 9/11 might take place on an entirely new month and day, including 4/24, 6/13, or even 10/12. According to the report, the nation could realistically find itself in the midst of a 5/25 scenario, as well as a potential 3/14 situation in the months to come.

8/28, 6/19, and 11/7 were also cited as possible 9/11s.
Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Click through to read the rest of this terrifying report.

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20-minute walk

With today’s focus on exercising, I’ve been trying to talk my husband into joining me in a 20-minute walk each night. One evening after reading an article called Brighten You Sex Life, I felt I had a new argument to present. I told my husband that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life. He replied, Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away?

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Retardment

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ” early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

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Drunken Driving

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

Did you know, says the cop, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car

Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.

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Getting Weighed

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse.

“I want to get weighed,” replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed.” Amber responded.

By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.”

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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish…………………………49
Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………….No boobs
Average looking……………..Ugly
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
Feminist……………………….Fat
Free spirit……………………..Junkie
Friendship first……………….Former slut
Fun…………………………….Annoying
Gentle…………………………Dull
New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded…………………Desperate
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………………Depressive
Professional…………………..Bitch
Romantic………………………Frigid
Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
Widow…………………………Murderer

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You Know You’re In Trouble When

You Know You’re In Trouble When

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

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black pepper works!

Ever since the DHS (department of homeland security -ed) has been setup, there are no terror attacks on the USA. So, obviously what the DHS is doing prevents terrorism.

Is is the same up here in Canada. We sprinkle black pepper on our lawns to prevent elephants from messing then up.

But there are no elephants in Canada you say? See, more proof that the black pepper works …
A Peek At DHS’s Files On You

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Stranded Fishermen

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!

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Three Wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

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Anything you say will be held against you

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She tells the man,
Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you. The drunk replies, Tits.

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Social Security sex

Two men were talking.

So, how’s your sex life?

Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.

Social Security sex?

Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!

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I Said….

So, Cowboy Bob is roaring across the plains on his trusty steed with 200 raging Indians, er Peaceful Native Americans, hot on his trail ready to scalp him. He whips out his rifle, fires his last two shots over his shoulder and takes out 15 of them. Then he pulls out his revolver, fires his last bullet and takes out 10 of them. Desperate, he flings the rifle and drops 20 of the Indians. Finally, in a last act of defiance, he throws his revolver and drops 12 more of them before the horde overtakes him.

Beaten and bound, he is presented to the chief, who tells him “Bob, you are the most incredible warrior we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you one last wish and let you live tonight, but tomorrow we’re going to kill you.”

Bob thinks, then says, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” He walks over, lifts the horse’s ear and whispers something. The horse sprints off, only to return an hour later with a hot blonde on it’s back.

Bob and blonde retire to Bob’s teepee, where they have loud sex all night long.

In the morning, the chief says, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior, you’re the best animal trainer we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you another wish, and one more night of life before we kill you in the morning.”

Bob walks to his horse, lifts its ear and whispers something. Again, the horse takes off only to return an hour later with a stunning brunette on its back.

Bob, the blonde and the brunette retire to Bob’s tee pee and, again, spend the night having loud, passionate sex.

In the morning, the chief, now being eyed by his wife, says to Bob, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior and animal trainer we’ve ever met, you’re the best lover we’ve ever heard of, so one more wish and one more night.”

Bob ambles over to his horse, lifts its ear and yells, “I SAID POSSE!”

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