Tiki Humor

Anything you say will be held against you

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She tells the man,
Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you. The drunk replies, Tits.

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Social Security sex

Two men were talking.

So, how’s your sex life?

Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.

Social Security sex?

Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!

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I Said….

So, Cowboy Bob is roaring across the plains on his trusty steed with 200 raging Indians, er Peaceful Native Americans, hot on his trail ready to scalp him. He whips out his rifle, fires his last two shots over his shoulder and takes out 15 of them. Then he pulls out his revolver, fires his last bullet and takes out 10 of them. Desperate, he flings the rifle and drops 20 of the Indians. Finally, in a last act of defiance, he throws his revolver and drops 12 more of them before the horde overtakes him.

Beaten and bound, he is presented to the chief, who tells him “Bob, you are the most incredible warrior we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you one last wish and let you live tonight, but tomorrow we’re going to kill you.”

Bob thinks, then says, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” He walks over, lifts the horse’s ear and whispers something. The horse sprints off, only to return an hour later with a hot blonde on it’s back.

Bob and blonde retire to Bob’s teepee, where they have loud sex all night long.

In the morning, the chief says, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior, you’re the best animal trainer we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you another wish, and one more night of life before we kill you in the morning.”

Bob walks to his horse, lifts its ear and whispers something. Again, the horse takes off only to return an hour later with a stunning brunette on its back.

Bob, the blonde and the brunette retire to Bob’s tee pee and, again, spend the night having loud, passionate sex.

In the morning, the chief, now being eyed by his wife, says to Bob, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior and animal trainer we’ve ever met, you’re the best lover we’ve ever heard of, so one more wish and one more night.”

Bob ambles over to his horse, lifts its ear and yells, “I SAID POSSE!”

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Barackberry

 

After lots of discussions with the Secret Service, President Obama will be allowed to keep his Blackberry. It’s a special Blackberry built just for him; they are calling it a Barackberry.

It doesn’t even have a battery  it runs entirely on hope.

– Jay Leno

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Divorce Barbie

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realised that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present.

He drove to the shopping mall, ran to the toy store and said to the saleswoman, “How much is that Barbie in the window?” In a condescending manner, she says “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 319.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00”.

“So why is the Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?” asks Ralph

“Well that’s obvious” says the saleswoman “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture….”

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NES for christmas

Christmas memory – I got a Nintendo system for Christmas right after they first came out. It was what I asked for, but the game seemed a lot more fun in the commercials. The game I got was called Staring Contest. You played against Walter Mondale, the idea was not to blink your eyes before he did.

Years later my mother admitted that she just taped an 8 ³ by 10 ³ photograph of Mondale to the TV screen, and the Nintendo machine was really just a shoe box with a cat toy for the controller. Anyway, don’t ever get into a staring contest with Walter Mondale. He’s REALLY good at that game. I only won once in the whole time I had the game.

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Bad Drunk Driver

From the country where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off “it was a
fine, dry summer night “, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station.

This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

˜I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Redneck. ˜Tonight I’m the
designated decoy.’

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Construction Girl

Once there was 5 year old girl who lived with her family next to an empty lot. One day, a construction crew moved onto the empty lot and started building a new house. The little girl was fascinated by the commotion, and watched the work closely. Soon, she was wandering over to observe and talk with the construction workers.

The construction workers, who were “gems in the rough” kind of guys, took a shine to the charming and cute little girl and adopted her as a mascot. They got her tiny workboots and hardhat, and found small jobs for her to do so that she could be one of the crew. She even ate her lunch with them and had her snacks while they had their coffee breaks.

Her best moment was when they gave the little girl her very own paycheque. They told her that since she had worked with them, she deserved her own paycheque. She was thrilled that she had earned twenty dollars of her very own.

Her proud mother took the girl down to the bank so that she could open her own bank account using her twenty dollars.

“Your very own paycheque!” the teller said to the little girl, “How wonderful! How did you get this?”
The little girl breathlessly told the teller how she had earned it helping to build the house next door. The teller was charmed by the delightful girl’s tale.

“How charming!” the teller exclaimed, “and will you be helping to build the house next week too?”
“I will if those shitheads at Home Depot get off their asses and finally deliver the fucking drywall!”

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What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?

What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?

The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

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Busy In Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

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Turning To Stone

Thirteen year old Mike came running out of a strip show where he had just seen a stripper in action.

Why are you in such a hurry? asked the manager.

The young man skidded to a stop and replied excitedly, My mother told me that if I ever looked at anything bad I would turn to stone, and think I have just fuck’n started!

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Female hormones in beer

Harvard scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a
1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) Became overly emotional
4.) Couldn’t drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating
8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

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I Don’t Think So!

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” Kate said.

Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”

A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so, ” Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

Paul quickly replies, “Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so.”

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, “Babe, how did you fix all this.”

She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

Paul says, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

Kate looks at him and replies, “Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!”

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Shopping for a Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

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Little Johnny’s ‘Bookish’ Father

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he were here today.

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

Marcy, the teacher said. You may go first.

Marcy replied, My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.

The teacher said, Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?

Kevin stood up and announced, My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.

Very good, the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he

knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell accountant.

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Blond Farmer

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course, the farmer is blond.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing and looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks, Ah, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies, I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.

How? asks the man, puzzled.

Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!

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Cure For Balding

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, er, female juices. But you’re balder than I am,  protested the customer. True,  admitted the barber, but you’ve gotta admit I’ve got one hell of a mustache!

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Daughter’s Purse

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter’s purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter’s purse and finds cigarettes. She says, “Oh my god, I’m so ashamed! My Daughter smokes.”

So, the redhead goes through her daughter’s purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter drinks.”

So, finally, it’s the blonde’s turn and she finds a used condom. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter has a penis.”

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Fucked them all

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I’ve fucked every woman in this room. To which his friend responded, Well then, between the two of us we’ve fucked them all!

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Heavenly Fucker

 

Joe and Myrtle were married for over 50 years when Joe died. A few months later, Myrtle died, too. In heaven, Myrtle looked around for Joe, and found him behind a cloud, fucking another woman! Joe! Darling! she cried. What are you doing? Hang on, Myrtle, replied Joe. Don’t ˜darling’ me. The deal was clear: till death do us part!

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Executive Closure of Gitmo

President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Gitmo within a year.

Know how he can make sure it closes even faster? Make it a bank.

– Jay Leno
DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Executive Order

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Carbon and Silicon Life

I was teaching my chemistry class about elements on the periodic table, mentioning that since silicon and carbon have similar properties, science-fiction writers theorize about silicon-based life forms on other planets. But, I stressed, there is no evidence that silicon-based life has existed here on Earth. From the back of the room, a voice flashed back, Have you never seen porn?

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Old Maids

One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot.

The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”

“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”

“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.

“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”

“Then why did you buy this car?”

“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”

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IP Address

A couple years ago i worked for Best Buy / Geek Squad. This is one of the more memorable quotes from clueless customers:

“Do you give me an IP address, or is that something i need to purchase”

At least she was smart enough to get the wireless network configuration box open.

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Lazy Frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

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