Tiki Humor

Camping

Two brothers go on a camping trip in the mountains together. Once they had found a good spot to camp at, they decided to try something fun. Each brother would go his own way for a week, then return to the good camping spot and tell the other all about what they had seen and done. The two men agree that this is a good idea, and strike off on their own.

A week goes by, and they both return to the campsite. They set up their tents, and begin to tell their stories about what they had done the previous week.

The older brother says, “I walked down a ravine, and followed a small stream that was in the bottom of it. I saw lots of deer and birds. I slept next to a beautiful lake, and at night the sky was so full of stars that I swear that I saw the entire galaxy going by overhead.”

The younger brother says, “That sounds great! As for myself, I walked along a railroad track for a day or so. Eventually, I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, and carried her off the tracks in my arms. Soon, we were making love like crazed animals, in every position imaginable! We did that for the rest of the week, until I had to say farewell, leave her behind, and come back here.”

The older brother is amazed and very jealous of his younger sibling. “I suppose she gave amazing blowjobs too, didn’t she?” he says sourly.

“I’m afraid not, I never found her head.”

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The Final Step Is Acceptance

(I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month one of our mentors listen to our calls, to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)

Me: Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****

Customer: Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!

Me: Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.

Customer: Oh, okay.. It says: ˜Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do i do?!

Me: Er is there a button that says ˜OK’?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Can you tell me what happens when you click the ˜OK’ button?

Customer: Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!! *hangs up*

Me: you’re welcome?

Mentor: *after listening in* You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank the same person I entrust my life savings to.

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Penguin’s Car

A penguin is driving his car across the country for his summer vacation. Suddenly, his car starts to make horrible noises. The penguin drives his ailing car into a roadside mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be about an hour until he can diagnose the problem. The penguin decides to kill the time by wandering over to a nearby mall.

He casually waddles through the mall, doing some window shopping. Then, he buys himself a vanilla ice cream cone to eat, since it’s such a hot day.

The Penguin starts to walk back to the shop, and while he eats his ice cream it drips all over his face and front.

As he enters the shop, the mechanic looks up from under the car’s hood and says to the Penguin, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

Embarrassed, the Penguin quickly says, “No, I swear it’s just ice cream!”

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Pregnancy Test

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.

Honey, I have some really great news for you! she said.

Great, tell me what you’re so happy about! he replied.

I’m pregnant! she said.

He kissed her and told her, That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!

Then, she said, Oh honey, there’s more!

He asked, What do you mean, ˜more?’

She said, Well, we aren’t having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how he knew.

She said, Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!

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