Tiki Humor

What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor

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She lights up the room, every time she walks in…

…then again, she’s the only one who knows where the light switch is.

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Dad gets some ink

A man visits a tattoo parlor with a rather simple, but strange request. He requests a short, straight line tattooed on his upper arm.

Once the first tattoo heals, he returns, asking for another, exactly the same as the first.

After a few more visits, it becomes clear to the tattoo artist that he’s tattooing tally marks on the customer’s arm.

Curiosity getting the better of the tattoo artist, he asks, “What are you counting?”

The man answers, “How many tattoos I have.”

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Why did the taxidermist open his window?

Because it was stuffy inside

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what happens to a cow when it jumps over a barbed wire fence?

udder destruction.

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People who can’t tell the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I just cannot put into words.

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Why is a room full of married people empty?

Because there is not a single person.

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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

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My Dad who plays golf.

I always asked dad why he bought an extra pair of socks when he played golf. Told me in case he got a hole in one.

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My favourite comedian?

Joe King.

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A man and his wife are having their first child

After the birth, a nurse enters the hospital room with a warm blanket for their son.

New Dad turns to the nurse and says, “excuse me, but, is that womb temperature?”

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You hear about the guy that got a job doing elephant circumcisions?

I hear the job sucks but the tips are HUGE.

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I ate a watch yesterday

It was very time consuming.

And… very filling…

Because, I had seconds

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What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man

submitted by /u/dandan_56
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Procrastinators:

The Leaders of tomorrow

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In my twenties, I was known for two things: Being single, and my awful handwriting.

I was the most illegible bachelor in town.

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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck

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Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days

All the other days are just weak-days

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"Jim Morrison was overrated!" the son screams as he stomps upstairs…

… his dad calls angrily after him: “YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!” 

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Teacher: “Which Of The Two Travels Faster, Heat Or Cold?”

Teacher: “Which Of The Two Travels Faster, Heat Or Cold?”

Student: “Heat”

Teacher: “What Makes You Think That?”

Student: “Because We Catch Cold“

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An amateur boxer was confused about where to hit. His coach said to never hit below the waist.

That’s the punchline.

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Why was Cyclops chosen to lead the X-Men?

For his experience with the responsibilities of a super visor.

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There are some wrappers under the couch….

….Eminem and 50 cent.

submitted by /u/WorthPear0
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“I feel like such a failure, doc. All my 5 boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

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TIL they don’t cook French fries in France

They cook them in Greece.

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