Tiki Humor

Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations

001. Friendly fire – isn’t.
002. Recoilless rifles – aren’t.
003. Suppressive fires – won’t.
004. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
005. A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
006. If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
007. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
008. If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
009. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
010. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
011. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
012. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
013. If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
014. The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
015. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they’re ready.
when you’re not.
016. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
017. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
020. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
021. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
022. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
023. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
024. The easy way is always mined.
025. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
026. Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for
aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
027. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
028. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
029. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
030. Incoming fire has the right of way.
031. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
032. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
033. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
034. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
035. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
036. Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
037. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
038. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
039. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
040. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
041. Tracers work both ways.
042. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
043. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
044. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
045. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
046. Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
047. Weather ain’t neutral.
048. If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
049. Air defense motto: shoot ’em down; sort ’em out on the ground.
050. ‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.
051. The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.
052. Napalm is an area support weapon.
053. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
054. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
055. Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.
056. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
057. The one item you need is always in short supply.
058. Interchangeable parts aren’t.
059. It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.
060. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
061. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
062. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
063. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
064. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
065. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
066. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
067. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel’s HQ.
068. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
069. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
070. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
071. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
072. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
073. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
074. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.
075. Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
076. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
077. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
078. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
079. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
080. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
081. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
082. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
083. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
084. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
085. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
086. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
087. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
088. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
089. Murphy was a grunt.
090. Beer Math –> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
091. Body count Math –> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
092. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
093. All-weather close air support doesn’t work in bad weather.
094. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
095. The crucial round is a dud.
096. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
097. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
098. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
099. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
100. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
101. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
102. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
103. Odd objects attract fire – never lurk behind one.
104. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
105. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
106. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
107. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
108. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
109. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
110. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
111. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
112. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
113. Walking point = sniper bait.
114. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
115. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
116. If the enemy is in range so are you.
117. Field experience is something you never get until just after you need it.
118. All or any of the above combined.

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Women’s ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn’t trade him for the world

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It has to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me.”

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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

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What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

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The Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tools along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”

Tom got a horrified look on his face and began choking.

She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”

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Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”

“Impeach.”

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Meanwhile, In Detroit…

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.

“I’ve been transferred to Detroit – I’ve heard the people are crazy there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

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What’s the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.

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Brunette At The Doctor’s Office

A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

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Why do ex-mormons always take two Mormons fishing?

If you take only one Mormon he drinks all your beer.

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A farmer has 895 sheep

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

“Why yes,” says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”

The shopkeeper says, “I’ve got just the thing for you.” and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

“Are you sure?” asks the farmer, “I have very many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”.

“I’m sure.” says the shopkeeper, “This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes,” says the dog, “I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.” The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn’t be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. “Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of these sheep.”.

“Okay.” replies the dog, “You have nine hundred sheep.”

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Country Susan

When you’re from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

When the young boy says. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susan pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment…then says “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not

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Your helium addiction

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

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A flight on its way to Sydney

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

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Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his two newest eternal residents, and despite rivers of lava and torrents of brimstone, they’re standing around in jackets.

“Not hot enough for you?” asked the Devil.

“What, this? Nah, this is like a Spring day in Chicago.”

The Devil doesn’t take lightly to such a slight, so he decides to really turn things up. The renewed eternal hellfire and inferno has made the screams of the tormented souls in hell even louder. Rivers of lava overflowing their banks. The Devil goes to check on his two Chicagoans, and sure enough he sees them lounging in shorts and t-shirts.

“Not hot enough for you?” the devil queries bewilderedly.

“What, this? Nah, this is like a July in Chicago. In fact, I think the humidity was worse in the summer of ’96.”

The Devil is even more incensed. He comes up with a new idea. Turn the thermostat way down. The cursed souls in Hell are greeted by new but equally unbearable type of torture. The lava stops flowing, brimstone stops glowing, and wouldn’t you know it, the ground they stand on has frozen solid.

The Devil again searches out his two Chicagoans, and to his dismay, they’re hugging and cheering.

“What’s this all about!?” the Devil roared.

“THEY’VE DONE IT, IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

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Alabama politicians recently changed the legal drinking age in Alabama to 31…

Alabama politicians recently changed the legal drinking age in Alabama to 31.

Representatives from the state say they hope it will keep underage drinking out of high school

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Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…

…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, “two, four, six, eight, ten.”

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, “one, three, five, seven, nine.”

The scientists then removed both halves of the man’s brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, “look, we’re gonna count to ten. We’re gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can’t count to one-believe me, I’ve counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn’t count to ten. Well, I’m beating all of those people in the polls. We’re gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!”

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A woman phoned her blond neighbor…

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!

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A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet…

A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.

“The rope should be around your neck”, says the guard.

“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”

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blonde man shouts frantically into the phone

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND .”

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

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What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

Open toad

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