Tiki Humor

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND .”

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

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What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

Open toad

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A Blonde guy comes homes . . .

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

“Honey! Help! I’m having a heart attack!”

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:

“Dad! Uncle Terry’s upstairs! And he’s naked!”

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.

“WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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A woman made her first visit to a Gynecologist one day. . .

A woman made her first visit to a Gynecologist one day. She was incredibly nervous and the old, and very experienced, doctor could tell.

As he asked her to sit up on the bed and put her feet in the stirrups he saw her knees were shaking. The doctor asked “you seem a bit tense. Would you like some numbing?”

The girl was a bit embarrassed but very relieved and said “Oh yes please!”

The doctor rolled up his sleeves, shoved his face between her legs, and went “NUMANUMANUMANUMA”

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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They can smell it, but they can’t eat it.

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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

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Which rock group has 4 men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

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How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None! They’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

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What does Hilary call an FBI agent with 9 bullet holes in the chest?

The worst suicide she has ever seen

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What do computers snack on?

Computer chips.

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Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

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How does a reaver clean their harpoon?

They put it though the Wash

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what’s darth vader’s corrupt brother’s name?

taxi vader

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Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar . . .

Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar. A patron walks up to the bar and asks the barman if thats Hitler and Stalin sitting over there. He says yes. The man goes over to Hitler and Stalin and asks what they are doing. “We’re planning world war 3″ says Stalin. “We’re going to kill 14 million jews and 1 bike repair man” says Hitler “Why the bike repair man?” The patron asks. Hitler says to Stalin “See? I told you no one would ask about the jews.”

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I know someone who talks like an owl

I know someone who talks like an owl

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What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains no letters?

An Empty Envelope.

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A blonde gets on an airplane . . .

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

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Meanwhile, when I was much younger…

I remember the time, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parent’s home. I had scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp Cocktail, 3 lb Lobster, even Champagne. I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?” “No,” she replied, “but Mom’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said, “Would you care for dessert?”

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Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…

I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…

“Really?” she said, “Go on then…try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded “Come on, what day was I born?” “Yesterday.” I replied.

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A bear goes into a bar

A bear goes into a bar, sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: “sorry, we don’t serve drug users in here” bear: “but I don’t do drugs” bartender: “what about that barbitchyouate”

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My first hooker…

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would give me a hand job for 500 dollars and I laughed and said “500 Dollars!? Why that much?” She then whipped out her cell phone and showed me a picture of a Lamborghini “You see this car? I paid for it by selling hand jobs.” So I shrugged and said “What the hell, I need to live a little, I’ll do it” so we go back to my hotel and she gives me the best hand job I ever had.

She leaves and I pass out. The next night I go back to the same casino bar, and sure enough she’s there again and I decide I wanted some more. I walk up to her and say “You were amazing last night, how much would it cost for a blow job?” She then smiles and says “1 grand.” Again I’m a little bit set back by the price and I said “A grand? Is it that good?” She then whips out her phone and shows me a picture of a HUGE, luxurious house. She then says “See this house? I paid for it with blowjobs” so I said “Alright let’s do it” so this time we go into her car and she decides to blow me in the parking lot, and its the best blowjob I ever had.

We sit there and I’m blown away by this woman, so I ask her, “how much would it cost for some pussy?” She then laughs and points to the casino. “You see that casino?” I said “…yeah?” She says “If I had a pussy, I would own that casino.”

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Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller…

Robber: “Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!’

Cashier (puzzled) “Did you mean to say “or you’re history?”

Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”

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One Marine is better than…

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters”.

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred Isis ‘S.O.B.’s’”.

Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters.” The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s two of them.”

 

One Marine is better than… originally appeared on MyConfinedSpace on February 25, 2015.

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