Tiki Humor

My girlfriend got me a mood ring the other day but it didn’t come with instructions. So far we know that if I’m in a good mood, it’s green…

And if I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on her forehead.

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Pay me a complement

Wife: I look like a fat, ugly, wrinkly, pig, be a dear and pay me a complement

Husband: Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

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My love is like a candle…

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

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Why did the belt get arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants.

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What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Baboom!

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A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female ?”
The customer says, “Female.”
The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
The customer says, “White.”
The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”
The customer says, “What does religion have to do with it?”
The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up.”

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I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off…

…so i rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

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And so Christmas Season Begins

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.
‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’
The paddy replied, ‘These are Carols.’

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What do you call a missing psychic midget?

A small medium at large.

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What do you call a cow thats had an abortion?

Decaffeinated.

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What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

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Which Is Worse: Childbirth or Nut Shot?

Women always say that giving birth is far more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child”.

But you never hear a guy say: “I would like another kick in the nuts”.

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I was absolutely disgusted after I accidentally clicked on some gay porn today….

I was absolutely disgusted after I accidentally clicked on some gay porn today….

Worst hour and a half of my life.

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Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself down to Absolute Zero?

Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself down to Absolute Zero?

He’s 0K now.

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On the train this morning I saw a stunning Thai girl, wearing a mini-skirt, legs slightly apart. I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…

On the train this morning I saw a stunning Thai girl, wearing a mini-skirt, legs slightly apart. I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…

But she did.

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Nintendo is going to rename the “Wii”

To avoid Sexual Innuendo, Nintendo is going to rename the “Wii” the Perfect Nintendo Entertainment System, or P-NES

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A toothpaste factory had a problem

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy someone else’s product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using some high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighing less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren’t picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before it, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin. “Oh, that — one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”, says one of the workers.

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The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck…

The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay

I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

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Why can’t you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

The punchlines are too long.

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Pedophiles

Are fucking immature assholes

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What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints

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What do you call the guy who graduates at the bottom of his class in Medical School?

Doctor

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A Blond Phone Call

“Hi Mom, How are you?”

“Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the hardware store”

“Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they’ve let me make one phone call”

“What happened?”

“Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head.”

“What on earth, why did you do that?”

“Well it wasn’t my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker.”

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