Tiki Humor

What happens if you don’t keep up payments to your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

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I used to have a terrible addiction to soap…

…but I’m clean now.

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The Halloween Surprise

A COUPLE was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

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Fishing and Whiskey

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.Frogs are good bass bait.Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that damn snake… with two more frogs.

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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon…

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, “Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!” The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. “One… Two… Three…” Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide, but Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square on the ground. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, “Ready or not, here I come!” Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him.

He says, “I found you, Newton!” Newton replies, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”

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How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior

The Greek says “We built the Parthenon.” the Italian says “We build the Colosseum.” The Greek says “We came up with advanced Mathematics” The Italian says “We made the Roman Empire.” The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. “We invented sex.” The Italian replies “True, true, I can’t argue with that, but we thought of having it with women.”

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2 Drunks in a pick-up truck

Are parked on a gravel road when they see the Sheriff pull in behind them. The passenger starts to panic but the driver says “It’s cool man, just chug your beer, rip off the label, stick it on your forehead, and stash the bottle under the seat.” So the sheriff gets to the truck door and sees 2 drunks with Budweiser labels on their faces. He cocks his brow inquisitively and says “You boys ain’t been drinkin, have you?”. The driver beams a smile, points to his his forehead and says “Oh no officer, we’re on the patch”.

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Stroke

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one’s arm was too short to reach.

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A man just finished with his favorite prostitute

And she was just slowly caressing his dick lovingly. He asked if he could get dressed and she begged for a few more minutes. Feeling proud of himself he asked why his tool was so amazing and she said “I love holding cocks and miss it dearly since I had mine taken off”

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What’s the best time of the day?

6:30… hands down

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I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

 

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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full

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Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god’s name in vein.

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The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician’s order: –

‘I’d like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please’ he requests.

‘Why sir!’ Exclaimed the waiter. ‘That’s an order of magnitude!’

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What do you call a mentally challenged lion?

A leotard

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell! She’s got a grenade in her mouth!

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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool

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What’s the difference between a vacuum and a Harley Davidson?

You can at least change the dirtbag on the vacuum.

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Leroy…

A woman who has recently moved to a new area goes into the local welfare office to meet her now case worker. All is going well, her case for welfare is pretty solid, but then the worker notices something a bit off.

He asks the woman, “Excuse me ma’am, but according to this you have fourteen sons. Is this true?”

“Mmm-hmm. They’s my boys.”

“Well yes ma’am, I understand that, but why are all fourteen of them named ‘Leroy.'”

“Well that just makes it easier for me. Whenever I wants my boys to come for breakfast, I jus’ yell ‘LEEROY!’ and all my boys come running. Whenever I wants my boys to come for a bath, I jus’ yell out ‘LEEEROY!’ and all my boys come a’running.”

“Well then, ma’am,” says the worker, “I guess that makes sense to me, but what do you do if you want to talk to just one of your sons?”

“Oh, I jus’ call him by ‘is last name.”

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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

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So I poured my root beer into a square glass…

now I just have beer

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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

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Taking a taxi home…

One night, a man went out drinking with his friends. After having several drinks, he decided it was time to go home, but he knew that if he were to get pulled over, he would most certainly go to jail; so he decided to take a taxi home, good thing too, for on his way home, he passed through a DUI roadblock. Since he was in a Taxi, the police officers waved him on through. He eventually arrived home safely without a hitch, but when he woke up the next morning and walked outside, he wondered what in the hell he was going to do with the taxi!

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The spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Antonio’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now…’ I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.’I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

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