Tiki Humor

A man just finished with his favorite prostitute

And she was just slowly caressing his dick lovingly. He asked if he could get dressed and she begged for a few more minutes. Feeling proud of himself he asked why his tool was so amazing and she said “I love holding cocks and miss it dearly since I had mine taken off”

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What’s the best time of the day?

6:30… hands down

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I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

 

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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full

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Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god’s name in vein.

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The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician’s order: –

‘I’d like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please’ he requests.

‘Why sir!’ Exclaimed the waiter. ‘That’s an order of magnitude!’

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What do you call a mentally challenged lion?

A leotard

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell! She’s got a grenade in her mouth!

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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool

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What’s the difference between a vacuum and a Harley Davidson?

You can at least change the dirtbag on the vacuum.

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Leroy…

A woman who has recently moved to a new area goes into the local welfare office to meet her now case worker. All is going well, her case for welfare is pretty solid, but then the worker notices something a bit off.

He asks the woman, “Excuse me ma’am, but according to this you have fourteen sons. Is this true?”

“Mmm-hmm. They’s my boys.”

“Well yes ma’am, I understand that, but why are all fourteen of them named ‘Leroy.'”

“Well that just makes it easier for me. Whenever I wants my boys to come for breakfast, I jus’ yell ‘LEEROY!’ and all my boys come running. Whenever I wants my boys to come for a bath, I jus’ yell out ‘LEEEROY!’ and all my boys come a’running.”

“Well then, ma’am,” says the worker, “I guess that makes sense to me, but what do you do if you want to talk to just one of your sons?”

“Oh, I jus’ call him by ‘is last name.”

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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

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So I poured my root beer into a square glass…

now I just have beer

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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

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Taking a taxi home…

One night, a man went out drinking with his friends. After having several drinks, he decided it was time to go home, but he knew that if he were to get pulled over, he would most certainly go to jail; so he decided to take a taxi home, good thing too, for on his way home, he passed through a DUI roadblock. Since he was in a Taxi, the police officers waved him on through. He eventually arrived home safely without a hitch, but when he woke up the next morning and walked outside, he wondered what in the hell he was going to do with the taxi!

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The spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Antonio’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now…’ I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.’I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

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Creative Pee Stopper

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Ma’am, there are $20 notes falling out of your bag.””Oh, really? Damn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? “You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no”, said the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time a guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes’.

“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know”, “not everybody pays”.

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The difference between the left and right…

You didn’t get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President.

You didn’t get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy. You didn’t get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed.

You didn’t get mad when the Patriot Act got passed taking away LIBERTY from Americans.

You didn’t get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.

You didn’t get mad when we spent over 600 billion and counting on said illegal war.

You didn’t get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq.

You didn’t get mad when you found out we were torturing people.

You didn’t get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.

You didn’t get mad when we didn’t catch Bin Laden.

You didn’t get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

You didn’t get mad when we let a major US city, New Orleans, drown.

You didn’t get mad when we gave a 900 billion tax break to the rich.

You didn’t get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark.

You finally got mad when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all okay with you, but helping other Americans…oh hell no.

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Allowing gays to serve openly..

“Allowing gays to serve openly in the Army is a long overdue reform, but it must be accompanied by an assurance that heterosexuals will be able to serve openly in the Navy.”

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So a man orders a dozen margaritas…

A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.

The bartender says, "Wow, what’s the special occasion?"

The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."

The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How ’bout an extra margarita on the house?"

The man replied, “No thanks, if 12 doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will.”

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What do you call the hair between grandma’s breasts?

Her pussy.

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I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur’an on DVD…

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

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My girlfriend got me a mood ring the other day but it didn’t come with instructions. So far we know that if I’m in a good mood, it’s green…

And if I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on her forehead.

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Pay me a complement

Wife: I look like a fat, ugly, wrinkly, pig, be a dear and pay me a complement

Husband: Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

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My love is like a candle…

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

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