Tiki Humor

Irish Three

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

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Why do ex-mormons always take two Mormons fishing?

If you take only one Mormon he drinks all your beer.

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Alabama politicians recently changed the legal drinking age in Alabama to 31…

Alabama politicians recently changed the legal drinking age in Alabama to 31.

Representatives from the state say they hope it will keep underage drinking out of high school

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Sitting In A Bar…

I was sitting in a bar with my friend and I noticed two old drunks across the bar from us. I laughed and said, “That’s us in ten years.” My friend replied, “That’s a mirror, dipshit.”

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Fishing and Whiskey

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.Frogs are good bass bait.Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that damn snake… with two more frogs.

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2 Drunks in a pick-up truck

Are parked on a gravel road when they see the Sheriff pull in behind them. The passenger starts to panic but the driver says “It’s cool man, just chug your beer, rip off the label, stick it on your forehead, and stash the bottle under the seat.” So the sheriff gets to the truck door and sees 2 drunks with Budweiser labels on their faces. He cocks his brow inquisitively and says “You boys ain’t been drinkin, have you?”. The driver beams a smile, points to his his forehead and says “Oh no officer, we’re on the patch”.

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So I poured my root beer into a square glass…

now I just have beer

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Taking a taxi home…

One night, a man went out drinking with his friends. After having several drinks, he decided it was time to go home, but he knew that if he were to get pulled over, he would most certainly go to jail; so he decided to take a taxi home, good thing too, for on his way home, he passed through a DUI roadblock. Since he was in a Taxi, the police officers waved him on through. He eventually arrived home safely without a hitch, but when he woke up the next morning and walked outside, he wondered what in the hell he was going to do with the taxi!

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So a man orders a dozen margaritas…

A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.

The bartender says, "Wow, what’s the special occasion?"

The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."

The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How ’bout an extra margarita on the house?"

The man replied, “No thanks, if 12 doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will.”

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I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off…

…so i rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

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Alcohol is bad for my legs

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.

“May I buy you a cocktail?”

“No thank you,” Maxine replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”

“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”

“No, they spread.”

via Naughty Bits

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The Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?’, asked the teacher.

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Don’t screw with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

via Bits and Pieces.

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What is a woman?

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, invincible . . . No wait . . .
I’m thinking of alcohol.

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a burglar broke into my house

Get this.” said one drinker to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”

“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.

“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

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WARNING!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called “Beer” is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs.”

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

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At the bar…

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?”

via At the bar… « Bits and Pieces.

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Why is American beer like having sex on a boat?

Both are fucking close to water.

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The Irish Can Drink

An American on vacation in Ireland walks into the pub. He says, “Alright, I hear you Irish can drink. I’ve got five hundred dollars here that says no one can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row.”
The bar falls silent. The band stops. Everyone just stares. One guy even gets up and leaves.
The American says, “oh well” and takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, the guy returns and asks, “Hey mister, is that money still on the table?”
“Well sure it is” he replies.

The bartender pours out ten pints, and the man proceeds to drink them one after the other.

When he’s done, the American says, “Well, I’m a man of my word, so here’s your money. But I gotta ask, where did you go?”

He says: “I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!”

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Expensive Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and says “What kind of scotch have you got?”

The bartender says “I have the finest scotch in the world!, but it’s very expensive, it costs about 300 dollars a glass, but you have to do some other things first before you are allowed to have it”

The guy says, “What do I have to do?”

The bartender replies, “well, In addition to the 300 dollars, there is a woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm her entire life, AND, there is a native silverback gorrilla out back that has a very serious back problem, If you can give the woman an orgasm, AND cure the gorilla of its back problem, you can have the scotch”

The guy says “You’ve got a deal!” And with that, he places 300 dollars on the table and triuphantly strides out back. He is out there for almost an hour, people can hear grunting, and the sounds of the intense physical strain of the man trying to cure the gorilla. After a very long time of wrestling with it, the man comes back into the bar, his shirt ripped to shreds and covered in bruises

“Alright!” he says, “Now where’s that woman with the back problem?”

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A man was at a bar….

A man was at a bar one night and saw a beautiful redhead sitting in the booth opposite him. After about 5 minutes, he got up the guts to go talk to her. Just as he sat down, she sneezed and her glass eye flew out from her socket.

On reflex, the guy shot out his arm and caught her eye and gave it back to her. They started talking and the redhead invited the man to go to a movie with her, then go back to her place for a nightcap. In the morning, she cooked him a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and the man said, “Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you?”

The redhead replied, “No, you just happened to catch my eye!”

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A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught drunk out of their skulls in Saudi Arabia

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught drunk out of their skulls in Saudi Arabia and are dragged before the Sultan. Angrily the Sultan tells them

“Although the penalty is usually death for such a heinous act, today is a day of the celeration of honesty so I will spare your lives. Instead I will give you 20 lashes from our most horrible whip. Yet I still feel sympathy for you on this holy day so I will give you each one item to strap to your back.”

The Irishman thinks about it and chooses a pillow. They lead him to the post, tie a pillow to his back and start whipping away. After 5 whips the pillow bursts and the Irishman takes 15 whips on his back. He returns to the men crying his eyes out and begging them to choose wisely.

The Englishman steps forward and chooses the lid from a barrel. Again he's led away and has it tied to his back. 10 whips in the barrel lid smashes and he receives 10 whips to his back. He returns to the Scotsman and wipes the tears from his eyes, begging his friend to choose better.

The Scotsman steps forward to the Sultan and says “Oh mighty Sultan, as today is a day of honesty I have to tell the truth. I drank the most out of all of my friends and it was my idea to drink in this country. It is I who should receive the most whips.”

The Sultan smiles and says “My friend this is truly a moment of heroic proportions from you. I will however have to increase your punishment to 100 lashes from the whip. I will still let you choose something to be tied to your back however”

“Thank you Sultan, I choose the Englishman”

via reddit.

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A story with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories… There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’

via A story with a moral « Bits & Pieces.

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland…

…and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

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The farting drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I can fart the star spangled banner in any key you want, for a drink. The bartender says, you can fart the national anthem in any key? Hell, I will give you three drinks for that! The drunk says, ok, what key? The bartender says how about “G”? Ok, So the drunk makes two people move from their stools and gets up on the bar, drops his pants around his ankles and bends over. He gets red faced and then shits all over the bar and the floor. The bartender is pissed! He goes, what the hell you son of a bitch? The drunk goes, gimme a break, even the great Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he performed!

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three pints at a time

An Irishman walks into a bar in Ireland orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; wouldn’t you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?” The fellow replies: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in America and the other, in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The fellow becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers. When the fellow goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The fellow looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye and says: “Oh, no, everyone’s fine. You see, it’s just that I’ve given up beer for Lent.”

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