Tiki Humor

what happens when a frog parks illegally?

He gets toad!

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bull-dozer.

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What says “Quick, Quick!”?

A duck with the hiccups

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What do you get if you cross a duck with fireworks?

A firequacker!

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What do you call two ducks and a cow?

Quackers and Milk.

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what do you call young dogs that come in from the snow?

Slush puppies

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Why couldn’t the baby pony speak?

He was a little horse.

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I know someone who talks like an owl

I know someone who talks like an owl

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Fishing and Whiskey

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.Frogs are good bass bait.Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that damn snake… with two more frogs.

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How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

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What do you call a mentally challenged lion?

A leotard

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What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Baboom!

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Come running with me

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint.

The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!”

The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!”

The elephant decides to join in the fun, and the whole groups goes off running. The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up.

Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion reaches out with a huge paw and knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!”

The lion answers, “That loser makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

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the elephant’s trunk

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replies.

“No, Mom. Down underneath.”

His mother blushes and says, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there.”

The father says, “Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Dad,” the son asks, “how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man takes a deep breath and explains, “Well son, here’s the truth. I’ve really spoiled that woman.”

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So a shark and his son are going to get some food…

They look for a vessel in distress, and when they finally find one, the father says to the son, “I’m going to teach you how to catch your first human. First, you raise your dorsal fin slightly out of the water. Second, you raise all of your fins out of the water, and start circling around them. Finally, you go in and eat them.”

The father and son swim over to the vessel, and the son executes the meal with ease. The father is impressed with his son, and commends him on his excellent performance. But the son is troubled and asks, “Why do we raise our fins out of the water and circle around them? Wouldn’t it just be easier to go in and eat them?”

The father replies, “They taste better without shit in them.”

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Worm Food

A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and
the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event
she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking
up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd.

“Isn’t this perfectly gorgeous!” she exclaimed. “Just think, it came
from a poor little insignificant worm!”

Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said:
“Yes, darn it, an’ I’m that worm!”

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Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?  he hissed at the parrot Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, I’m just trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?

Moses,  replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed.

What kind of people would name a bird Moses?

The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

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