Tiki Humor

Brunette At The Doctor’s Office

A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

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A flight on its way to Sydney

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

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A woman phoned her blond neighbor…

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!

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A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet…

A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.

“The rope should be around your neck”, says the guard.

“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”

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blonde man shouts frantically into the phone

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND .”

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

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A Blonde guy comes homes . . .

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

“Honey! Help! I’m having a heart attack!”

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:

“Dad! Uncle Terry’s upstairs! And he’s naked!”

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.

“WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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A blonde gets on an airplane . . .

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell! She’s got a grenade in her mouth!

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Irish blonde at the casino

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet 20,000 Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all Men…are Men.

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Best blonde joke ever!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’

The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
‘comfortable?’

The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big.

She’ll read it very slowly…. ‘com-for-da-bul.’

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thermos blonde joke

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a Thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.’

‘Wow’, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?

‘Why, that’s a Thermos…. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied.

Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’

The blond replied……’Two popsicles & some coffee.’

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Why does a blonde wear panties?

Why does a blonde wear panties?

To keep her ankles warm.

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Telling a blonde joke to blondes

A blind man walks into a bar and orders a pint. While the bartender is pouring it he says, “Want to hear a joke?” and she says, “OK.”

He starts: “So there’s this blonde…”

“Okay, hold on” says the bartender. “I can see you’re blind so I’m gonna do you a favour here. Just so you know, I’m a blonde. The manager is a blonde. The bouncer is a blonde, and there’s a good friend of mine by the window there, she’s a black belt in karate, she’s a blonde too. There’s a couple of biker chicks at a table nearby, both blondes.

“So, you just have a think about that and ask yourself: do you really want to tell that joke?”

She gives him his drink. “Well, uh, I guess not,” he says. “I don’t wanna have to explain it six times.”

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preganent blonde

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy.

He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the fuck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”

He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!” He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!”

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Head & Shoulders

A blonde is standing in an elevator with a few other people when a man wearing a black suit steps on. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulders of his suit.

Two floors later the man gets off, and after door closes someone says, “Someone should really give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”

The blonde then responds, “Yeah… Hey, how do you give shoulders?”

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In a vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?

via Thur Jan 14 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

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Rolex and Timex

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

via Thur Jan 14 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit.

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Where’s the scratch?

Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”

Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

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T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday — duuhhh

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Painting Stripes

A blonde begged her friend at the highway department for a job, any job at all.

“Sure,” he said, “I can’t seem to keep people who paint the lines down the center of the roads. Will you paint stripes?”

The blonde agreed and began work immediately. The first day the blonde painted 5 miles of stripes. The next day the blonde painted three miles. But on the third day she only painted one mile of stripes.

The supervisor took the blonde aside and asked what was wrong. “You worked so hard and painted so fast the first couple of days. Why are you working so slow now?”

The blonde replied, “The bucket keeps getting farther away.”

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blonde cowgirl

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediatelysprings into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune … the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

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a blonde goes ice fishing

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”

Amazed, the blonde wasn’t quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn’t covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly — tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, “There are no fish under the ice!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “No, this is the manager of the skating rink!”

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Two blonds were building a house

Two blonds were building a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward ME, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!”

The second got completely upset and yelled, “You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!!”

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